Partners family frustrations - AIBU?!

[EmsyApples]

My partners family have been going through a difficult time at the moment, and i'm completely respectful of it and I understand that they need to keep in contact with her about everything thats going on.

However.

I feel like they're almost using whats going on as a way to hurt her. She moved 200 miles away from them three years ago to live with me (and for other private reasons), and they never talk to her, and she never speaks to them. It seemed to be quite a good arrangement as they don't get along, and they've made it very clear they don't like me or have any interest at all in our relationship or family.

But whenever something happens within their family, such as a death/illness, they suddenly call her at 11pm at night when they know she has work early in the morning, expect sympathy, expect her to make the journey to them to 'help' at stupidly short notice when neither of us can drive, and get angry and quite nasty when she has to say no because she has work commitments or does not want to go.
It upsets her, upsets me, and it feels intentional, theres been instances when things have happened the day before and nobodys told her until 11pm the day after.

AIBU to be fed up of it? :(

No, but I think she shouldn't rush miles away to see them. Either she's nc or she's not. Why does she let them pull her strings when she doesn't want to talk to them?

She's worried they'll decide they want NC with our children in the future. Tbh i think they might do more harm than good.

Surely a death in the family means usual 'calling hours' can be ignored and asking for help is okay?

She's worried they'll decide they want NC with our children in the future

What does NC mean? I assume 'she' refers to your partner.

You and her family clearly don't get along and perhaps it's clouding your judgement.

Guessing, based on your post and username, are you a gay (lady) couple? Is that part of the issues with you and the relationship? If so, you can't help bigotry but perhaps you should support your partner to support her family when they call due to illness / death ie. exceptiona l circumstances.

Calling hours can be ingored in exceptional circumstance, but OP didn't they leave it until the day afterwards, which is out of order.
Is their prejudices' clouding their ability to communicate with daughter? Could they be looking for a way back but finding it difficult.
Nor condoning their behaviour, just looking at a different pov.
Yanbu

Baby, it sounds like the family are deliberately waiting until 11pm to call to disrupt OP's partner's sleep and cause stress. NC means no contact.

This happens with my family. I'm the scapegoat but they expect hostilities to cease for deaths and illnesses. And then it's back to low contact.

It helps them feel better about themselves because they think 'we're in contact for the most important things'.

I think no contact is better in a toxic family situation. The dynamic rarely changes.

How often is this happening? I think in the case of death and serious illness calling at 11pm is acceptable even when it was possible to call earlier - when you are in a crisis normality goes out the window.

If it's happening all the time or over minor illness that's not fair though.

I also think if it is death or serious illness asking her to come and help is reasonable. But her saying no is also reasonable.

I think the boundaries around her contact with her family are blurred to be honest and that creates confusion and hurt on both sides. She's hurt they don't phone her until 24 hours after incidents occur (maybe they don't feel like they can phone any sooner?) They're hurt she won't go down and be with them. I think she needs to be clearer with them about what her boundaries are but also be fair - saying she wants to be told immediately there is a crisis is not fair if she's then going to refuse to help or offer sympathy.

And in the nicest possible way OP you need to stay out of it. This is her family and her relationship with them. It's not you they are contacting so you have no right to be fed up of it.

Thanks for the support everyone.

I suspect that the fact we are gay does have some effect on their ability to accept the relationship, which I understand, but I'll be staying out of it completely from now on. I suspect how i feel about them isn't helping the situation.

Partner has also agreed that she's going to talk to them about setting some boundries around communication, and make it clear she wants to know about things on the day that they happen so she can offer support/sympathy.

ahickie I think you summed it up exactly, 'we're in contact for the most important things'