"Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen"

[RandomMcRandomface]

I went out drinking with some colleague and ended up in a debate with three single/ semi-single (ie early stages of dating) men I work with about general dating etiquette and so on. They all agreed that you need to act aloof to attract women, whether you want to or not, and that the best way to end up in a relationship is to 'treat em mean to keep em keen'.

I tried to convince them that they were wrong, citing the example of my DH, who was lovely from the beginning which is one of the reasons why he is my DH! They wouldn't have it though, and was told that I am wrong as that's, apparently, what women love.

The whole conversation left me feeling a little depressed though - AIBU to think this isn't the way to lay the foundations for a decent relationship?

But maybe it all just brought back terrible memories about being single and being treated mean by asshats that screwed with my self esteem so am biased ...

Hmm, I think there's possibly a reason they're not already in a long term relationship/single...

I've never been one for games and didn't find men attractive that wanted to play them. That's what treat them mean, keep upthem lean rubbish is just one long game!

Yeah - they are douchebags.
ignore their horseshit.

That's why they're single and your husband is happily married. Yanbu.

I'm with you OP, one of the things I love about my DP and that made me sure very quickly that the relationship was for keeps is there was no game-playing.

If someone tried to play Treat 'em Mean with me, I'd walk away without a second thought. And that's what I'd advise any single friends to do too.

If nothing else, it's just not kind. And why would you want to be with someone who doesn't treat you kindly?

How very considerate of them to display the red flags from the very beginning- and how very heartening to see that the women around them know how to read the signs. Long may it last!

My dh's old boss dumped his gf on the day of her grand daughters funeral (7 months old from a previous marriage)

He was tired of being pushed to the side and neglected because she was grieving

She went running back to him

What did he say at work?
"You gotta treat her mean to keep her keen"

Dh called him a twat and left work that disgusted

Glad you agree!

Thing that saddens me about the whole thing as that these men ok two of the three seem to be (otherwise) really nice men and good friends, who are acting in a certain why because they think it's the rules.

Or maybe they are just secret asshats and I hadn't noticed.

There are of course women who like the chase and suspense. There are men like that as well, who only like the women they can't have.

They either grow up or end up alone and miserable.

I'm afraid I think there's some truth in what they say, or at least that's what I observed when I was in my early 20s.

If - that is - you want a lot of highly-charged shagging short term relationships. Not a good strategy at all if you want a LTR or marriage.

Of course being genuinely nice and charming is also a good way of getting what they want (looking at you DB ) but I my memory is that a lot of women I knew preferred nasty men who were likely to muck them about; by contrast they tended to friendzone reliable but boring men like me (if I sound jealous it's because I was, and still am a bit).

One friend of mine was in a relationship for 2 years with an utterly repellent bloke who was psychologically, physically and sexually abusive to her, who got her to buy his porn mags, stole money off her, and who was without any redeeming qualities at all. No amount of my pointing out what a shit he was made any difference to her. It was just how she expected a relationship to be. I'm pretty sure her father treated her mother the same way.

On the other hand I've been married for over a decade, am likely to remain so, and am bringing up the kids in a stable home: I suspect the aforementioned men aren't.

There is a grain of truth to it sadly, there's plenty of girls out there that are attracted to guys who act like that.

Thankfully I dont want to be with women who find those qualities attractive 😂

Is there a medium level?

Not "mean", but also not too keen.

Someone who is super-keen on me when we've barely talked freaks me out, and makes me think that they just like the idea of being in a relationship (they can't actually like me that much, we've not interacted enough).

This and this spring to mind.
m.huffpost.com/us/entry/1022361

xkcd.com/1027/

Trills I think maybe that's a different kind of "possibly a twat" sign. Someone who really liked you and was genuine wouldn't put you on a pedestal like that, and would perceive your freaked-outness and back off. It's no different to making friends, if one person is super-keen and needy it will put the other one off, and that's usually because the needy one is a bit demanding/difficult in some way. Whole thing suggests a slight lack of empathy, which is a dangerous thing in any friendship/relationship.

DH was upfront from our first date. He's an open book, though, and ended the date by saying "I'd like to see you again, is that alright?" None of that nonsense 'how long do I wait to reply to texts' etc, just straightforward honesty that was so refreshing. Our relationship is exactly the same 10 years on; he's as direct and open as ever and I love it.

The game playing seemed exciting in my late teens and early twenties. In my thirties it just sounds exhausting and I'd not go near a man who behaved so badly. Those treat-em-mean types will find their fishing pool narrows substantially once the women in that pool get a little more mature.

I'm not sure they're looking for wives, if you know what I mean...

There's a sad truth to it. I know a few people who think like this and they attract the 'changers'. Women and men who think they will be the one, the hero, the person who can change them.

It also is good to be less keen when online dating for example at the beginning and not put all your eggs in one basket. Not the mean part but less keen certainly.

I have a friend whose first 'love of his life' was a girl who simply wasn't too keen on him. He was moving mountains as he was so in love, but nothing was never enough for her. Unfortunately now he believes this is what relationships look like.

I've known him many years, and I've seen the same pattern over and over and over again.
He meets a girl. Girl not too interested, either really or playing hard to get. He chases girl. Girl finally starts to behave like a normal person in a relationship. The next thing you hear from the guy is 'Yeah...it's not working out. She's just too keen..'

So with this guy, it really works to treat him mean.Trouble is of course you can't keep this up for ever, and then he is no longer keen. He's in his 50s and I don't think he has ever had a long term relationship.

That kind of behaviour make me glad I'm single (intentionally).

I think it does work when people are younger in short term (unsuccessful) relationships.

My happiest relationships have been with genuine people.