AIBU to ask DP to uninvite his friend's wife from our wedding?

[Somerville]

One of my fiancé's closest friends is an usher at our upcoming wedding. DP is his child's godfather.

However, his wife doesn't like me. Actually, I think it's not personal to me - I think she loved having DP single to set up with her friends and to flirt with and she's annoyed by him not being available to her.

She began by making unkind jokes at my expense. Never in DP's hearing, and so subtle I wasn't sure whether she meant well but had clumsy phrasing. But it's getting worse and I'm now in no doubt. She's very funny so it looks like a sense of humour fail to take objection to her 'hilarious' comments.

She also calls DP a cutesy nickname that no-one else calls him, often brings up friends of hers who he has previously dated, and touches him a lot. He says she's always been a bit like this but he's assumed she would stop when he was in a serious relationship and instead it has got worse.

I've been ignoring her rudeness because I think she thrives on drama and attention and frankly I don't have time or energy for all this. But DP wanted to try to get to the bottom of it to repair his friendship with them. Fair enough. She said the problem is that I'm over sensitive. But she apologised for bringing up how great his ex girlfriend is looking and for the cutesy nickname (I think he was too embarrassed to properly bring up the excessive touching) and cried, and her DH made excuses for her. DP was cautiously hopeful that she'd improve.

I saw her last night at a hen party for a mutual friend. She referred to my DP as the nickname then laughed and said 'silly me, he says you get jealous about our pet names'. I went and sat at another table.
Later on she told an amusing sex anecdote about a friend of hers who dated a friend of her DH's. I knew from the start that she would accidentally on purpose reveal it was DP and indeed she did. The pregnant bride looked upset so I again just got up and moved. No alcohol excuses as none of us were drinking.

I will be avoiding her in future. And I'd rather not have her at our small-ish wedding. I feel like asking DP to tell her she can't come. I think he will agree to this - especially with the sex anecdote thing - however it is of course then likely that his friend will pull out of being an usher and not attend, which will make him sad. AIBU and if I am, what is a better way of dealing with her? Just sucking it up on our wedding day isn't an option for me.

What a lovely DF you have, he sounds so supportive and well....Lovely.

Well yes he is supportive but I feel like in this scenario I should be the one getting the credit (from him, not you lot) for supporting him, since these are his 'friends'.

He's reminiscing on various interactions through the years and it's struck me that on loads of occasions he recounts, Cunty was the only woman there. She seems to specialise in getting her DH to invite his male friends over or out, not including any spouses or girlfriends, and then joining in herself.

She works full time so isn't seeing the women in the group separately in the day time. Maybe other evenings. Or hopefully maybe she gets a reluctant invite to hen parties and that's it. I think your suggestion is right, Songbird.

And Beryl yes undoubtedly he hasn't been exposed to this side of her as much in the past, but there were warnings he should could have heeded. When he was mentioning sitting her between his sisters, he said that his older sister met her at one of his birthday parties and told him afterwards that she couldn't stand Cunty. But he thought it was a personality clash.

Oh I'm just catching up with this - well done the other friends for stepping forward in your defence! I hope this resolves itself well and have a wonderful wedding is she still invited to the other friends's wedding or has she ruined her chances there too

Just RTWT (and your older thread ) - I quite often find genuinely lovely people just can't see sneakily underhand nastiness because it just doesn't occur to them that anyone would ever be like that, so maybe Lovely just needed it bringing out into plain view?

Still invited to theirs but we've been assured that we won't be sitting with them.

I think I'm a bit evil immature because I'm rather looking forward to it.

Evil cow. I'd pay good money to be a fly on the wall when she gets her comeuppance!

Somerville, I read both your threads in one go (as well as the wedding dress one) and I am officially hooked on your beautiful love story as well as hugely overinvested in how all the weddings, and your life, pan out.

You are obviously handling this situation beautifully and CMCF has shot herself spectacularly in the foot. Without wishing to excuse her behaviour in any way, this woman clearly is not coming from a happy place, so I understand your sympathy for her.

One thing that really shocks me about this story is how poorly she understands what the normal level of sympathy and empathy for someone in your situation should be. I hope you and your DCs have a beautiful future with Mr Lovely, but you only lost your DH a couple of years ago, if that, having spent your entire adult life with him, happily married. Having seen a similar situation in my extended family (mid 30s couple, 2 young kids, cancer), I know you have all been through a sea of grief.

In your posts, although you come across as charming, kind and optimistic, there are sometimes little glimpses of how you manage that pain every day, for example in deciding you did not want to wear purple or lilac for your second wedding as you did not want your dress to be a tangible reminder of 'the worst thing that ever happened to you'. I am so sad for you and I never even met you.

Yet this woman is malicious toward you and self-rigorously aggrieved that the man you are about to marry is spending too little time hunting Christmas toys for her own secure and loved only child. How she thought other people would deem this level of self-centredness as anything other than appalling is baffling, particularly since she otherwise appears NT.

Like I said, I am overinvested. Good luck with everything!

Thank you One.

I generally don't talk much about my grief on MN as I have a safer outlet on a FB group. But I know it escapes sometimes and sorry for making you feel sad. I do have a lot to be grateful for in my life - even before I met Lovely - but the pain of missing my darling, gorgeous, amazing husband is always here. Every time I think I'm over a big grief hurdle and it hurts less, more grief comes along and whacks me.

I jumped into bed with DH aged 19 (after a few weeks of being horrible to him because I fancied him rotten!), decided his halls of residence were nicer then mine and basically never left. We grew up together in so many ways. And if he hadn't encouraged and supported me to leave academia to make my hobby into my career then I wouldn't have now met Lovely.

He died just shy of 2 years ago and that horrible anniversary coming up very soon (plus then Christmas which has also been very difficult the past few years) is hanging over me rather horribly. In some ways it helps with perspective on people like Cunty. And I don't think that she - or anyone - owes me any sympathy or should wear kid gloves. Everyone has their own stuff to deal with - mine is just more obvious than most. But it has probably made Lovely feel a bit over-protective of me and the children and I don't want that to turn into him over-reacting if his friendship, with Cunty's husband at least, is repairable.

Sorry to hear that your family has been hit with cancer in a similar way. I'm glad they have good family around them - it makes all the difference. My/DH's family is how I survived the time that DH was ill and the immediate aftermath.

I've got a bone to pick with you Somerville... I've done chuff all over the last day or so and its all your fault.

I've read this thread, your original one and the dress one.

But it has been so lovely, I've cried, laughed and I want to punch CMCF in the gob even harder now!

I haven't read the dress thread. Any chance of a link?

Ooh dresses!

Umm this is getting a bit embarrassing.

Think I might be in need of a name change. Though the last time I said that on a thread, the suggestion was to MrsLovely. Me thinks that might give the game away.

How about SybillaSemple? Or WrigglingUpFromTheBottomOfTheBed?

The last time I reread I realised I have more in commons with Kate than with Philippa. So maybe IWouldRatherMotherAVampire or HereIsMyHeartInABlackberryPieAndAKnifeToCutItWith.

Ooh, ooh, I have it: what Lymond says when he goes to Flaw Valleys in DK's. ComeAndBeLicked

Perfect.

Brilliant!

Genius!!! Love that name change!

Haha, I love that all the groupies are necessitating a name change, and a lickable one to boot. You only have yourself to blame, Somer. You keep displaying admirable qualities with alarming consistency. No wonder Cunty is upset .

But I have to say that I disagree with you. You say people do not owe you sympathy or tact. I beg to differ. Whatever happened to common decency, politeness and simply not kicking someone when they are already down? God, I sound like my own grandmother but, then again, she was a smart woman. CMCF does not deserve yours nor Lovely's time, bereavement or no bereavement.

Don’t be daft in apologising for making me sad. Your threads are a joy and your happiness all the more compelling for its bitter-sweetness.

The dress thread

That's interesting. My Queen Bee often found herself the only woman in a roomful of men, by her design. DH broke ranks to spend time with me. Must be a thing.

I've bagsied ComeAndBeLicked but my will people shorten me to Come? That'll make me feel... crusty.

I suppose I meant, One that everyone is deserving of decency and kindness. Even Cunty.
One day when DH was in hospital and in pain and I stayed too long and was late to get the kids from school so they were upset and then had to stop off at a shop because the fridge was empty. I left them in the car (forgive me, MN, I have sinned..) and raced in, in the process dropping the door on the person behind me who went 'thank you for holding the door' really sarcastically. I was so upset as I raced through the rest of my evening. Then sat down and had a think about the amount of times I'd said something sarcastic to someone who had dropped a door on me or pushed on a queue or whatever dickish behaviour.

So although I'm still a forthright kind of person I try to not react in the moment any more. To take a deep breath and be kind. I often fail though!

I don't think groupies exist on MN. Only brief moments of being nice to each other between bun fights! But I've had a lot of niceness on this thread, and it's undeserved but appreciated.

And sorry to keep posting despite lack of update. I'm ill enough to be in bed but not so ill that I'm not bored.

YNBU I would un invite her and tell the usher your reasons. Hes probably well aware of what his wife is like.
You don't need her telling her dumb stories and flirting with your new hubby on your big day

I'm waiting with interest for Cunty's next move.

Lol!! Somer

I love reading your updates, thinking, mulling over, books to read, quotes to live by, ... and nope (like many pp) don't expect an easy resolution. As it's all down -quite rightly - to DF and how he wants to meander through any decisions of what he says, when & how. How fabulously mature and kind hearted you are to give him that space to do it, is telling about the niceness of Somerville x

But I do enjoy reading your posts. And you have my support how ever you want to deal with cmcf I'm all the way in - in supporting your take on things. And I'm sssshh... a professional in a related therapy field.... Wisdom is easy when you are detached and not seeing the real pain, frustration, but so much harder, when it is in your face affecting you, hurtful, affecting your DC, SDC and loved ones. You are a remarkable woman.... I'm sure DF knows that. Don't worry if he doesn't say it loudly and say how brill you have been. He will just be appreciating it quietly xxxx Lovely men (& women) like him do xxxx We can see it already and have no compunction in saying so xxxx

I wouldn't uninvite her: that's the nuclear option and it would be sad for your husband not to have a close friend there on the day.

I'd ignore her on the day, though, and then quietly drop them afterwards.