AIBU to ask DP to uninvite his friend's wife from our wedding?

[Somerville]

One of my fiancé's closest friends is an usher at our upcoming wedding. DP is his child's godfather.

However, his wife doesn't like me. Actually, I think it's not personal to me - I think she loved having DP single to set up with her friends and to flirt with and she's annoyed by him not being available to her.

She began by making unkind jokes at my expense. Never in DP's hearing, and so subtle I wasn't sure whether she meant well but had clumsy phrasing. But it's getting worse and I'm now in no doubt. She's very funny so it looks like a sense of humour fail to take objection to her 'hilarious' comments.

She also calls DP a cutesy nickname that no-one else calls him, often brings up friends of hers who he has previously dated, and touches him a lot. He says she's always been a bit like this but he's assumed she would stop when he was in a serious relationship and instead it has got worse.

I've been ignoring her rudeness because I think she thrives on drama and attention and frankly I don't have time or energy for all this. But DP wanted to try to get to the bottom of it to repair his friendship with them. Fair enough. She said the problem is that I'm over sensitive. But she apologised for bringing up how great his ex girlfriend is looking and for the cutesy nickname (I think he was too embarrassed to properly bring up the excessive touching) and cried, and her DH made excuses for her. DP was cautiously hopeful that she'd improve.

I saw her last night at a hen party for a mutual friend. She referred to my DP as the nickname then laughed and said 'silly me, he says you get jealous about our pet names'. I went and sat at another table.
Later on she told an amusing sex anecdote about a friend of hers who dated a friend of her DH's. I knew from the start that she would accidentally on purpose reveal it was DP and indeed she did. The pregnant bride looked upset so I again just got up and moved. No alcohol excuses as none of us were drinking.

I will be avoiding her in future. And I'd rather not have her at our small-ish wedding. I feel like asking DP to tell her she can't come. I think he will agree to this - especially with the sex anecdote thing - however it is of course then likely that his friend will pull out of being an usher and not attend, which will make him sad. AIBU and if I am, what is a better way of dealing with her? Just sucking it up on our wedding day isn't an option for me.

Well done for not bitching but also great news that you clearly have an ally.

I think that both you and DP need to go see the both of them and have it out.

If you are both there then there can be no doubt over what is said and how it has come across. (I'm thinking about her saying DP said you get jealous about the pet name)

• count me not counte !! Doh! Big fingers, small phone...

Rapidly googles Hatchimal.

Somerville, was she serious?! What did you reply?!

now she's lied about him, in public, twice

So the story wasn't even true?

She replied 'X would say that should go to her daughter!"

ladylambkin oooh I politely disagree as that's the last thing I'd do. Gives her too much power to play Victim or Persecutor again. It'd also be really uncomfortable.
DF can speak to her DH quietly, as they are close friends. But a 4 way potentially 'let's sort it out, you did this' chat, could be a dangerous tactic that might escalate if she's very defensive, which is likely..

She sounds manipulative and you never want to corner someone like that. Poking a bear.... eek!

Clearly, other bride is an ally, and it might be worth opening that door, just subtly, but let her do most of the talking so that you aren't then dragged into a school Mean girls thing were this woman then runs back to Cuntface until you know you can trust her - I sense that it would be good for you to have someone in real life to support you in the group in these situations

Call your pregnant bride friend. An outside perspective might be useful. Do not bitch about bitchface but an idea of how she (and in particular her behaviour towards you and your DF) is perceived by the social group generally might help you.
FWIW I think that for the sake of your DF's relationship with his dear friend/usher I wouldn't uninvited he (and it would feed her drama addiction)r, but putting the word out in advance so that everyone shuts her down if she utters one syllable out of line would put your mind at rest.

Hatchimal is like the love child of a Furby and a Kinder Egg. They've sold out everywhere and I gave up and got her something else.

I replied 'I'm sure he will be happy to show off his Hatchimal-tracking skills to get one too if that's what she wants for Christmas.'

I said I'm not getting involved, and I meant it!

For example say

Her DP is one of DH's closest friends is such a shame we can't all get on, I don't know what I did to offend her, I wish I knew.

Less bitchy, more bafflement

Good answer..😃

....and besides, on some level it will help the situation if she sees your DF's face when you glide down the aisle in THAT DRESS..........

I'd respond to this other lady's text regarding the toy ought to go to her daughter something along the lines "Cunty will hopefully realise and respect that DP now has a family of his own and have more realistic expectations from him as a god parent..."

I know what you all mean about sounding her out, and I like Songbird's text but I genuinely can't be arsed. They're his friends and he needs to sort it all out.

Sorry, I know that isn't a very AIBU-appropriate response!

Posted while you updated with your own response. Good reply. Until you know for sure the dynamics in that group, you are better off remaining non-committal and don't get dragged into any bitching, especially if it is via text and can be revealed. Typical mean girls' tactics is for one to sound out and offer titbits and encourage bitching. That said, I reckon since they seem a nice group of friends that Cunty Queenbee isn't that popular with that kind of attitude. This type of woman doesn't really appeal to other nice women. I bet they are all aware of her obsession with your DP.

You are being very sensible, yes leave them to it!!!

any mutual friend witnesses at the hen do? Who can explain, with you, the things she said?
I wouldn't have her at your wedding. She sounds awful xx

somer I love your 20:13 post reply to text... It was perfect.
Good for you to resist temptation to get involved. I think MNs are your outlet to cheer and back you up! And eberyone is making you smile about how you respond of you ever get fed up.

But you are right to let DF decide how he wants to deal with it. It bodes so well for a happy respectful marriage and future. Knowing when to help fight a battle and when to let someone reflect on how they decide to deal with it. I can see why MrLovely appreciates how lucky he is. Xxxx

Forget AIBU, as you know you're not and we are all backing you x

I think that the way you choose to handle this needs to be about more than just the wedding though. You need to consider if you want anything more to do with her at all. I don't have the patience for this sort of behaviour so I would uninvite immediately, but as these are your DFs friends you need to make sure he decides what happens. If her behaviour is bad enough that he wants to distance himself from them completely then it doesn't matter if she'll try and make this into her being the victim. It's only if you want to keep in touch afterward that you need to tread carefully and make sure that she is flanked by people who will shut her down at the wedding.

Sensible or lazy.

So much potential for drama if I bitch to anyone. They've all known each other for much longer than me. Also, DP is hurt that none of them spoke out and told her she shouldn't have told that story about him or warned her off when she said that I'm jealous of the pet name.

He has a point: I would have spoken up if one of my friends at a hen party said something like that about a man someone else there was in a relationship with.

It was a perfect response. Thoughtful and generous.

I think I would take her to one side and say something along the lines of:

Can we talk? I don't want to upset you but I have noticed- it would have been impossible not to- that you feel uncomfortable about my relationship. I don't understand the reasons why you attempt to discredit me/him/ our relationship and I'm not going to push you to tell me that's your business. Obviously the wedding is approaching and it's difficult as your and mine DP are very close so you're invited but are you going to be ok on the day? I don't want you to get upset and make a scene or say things which people are going to find odd again. I wanted to have this chat to you so you can decide if you're going to be comfortable enough attending without making any silly remarks. Hope you're ok and I hope one day we can be friends."

Then let her stew.

somerville they are probably all intimidated by her. If she's this bitchy and passive aggressive to you, she will have been the same to others over the years. They know what she is like and are too scared to stand up to her.

ShowMeTheElf Speaking of THE DRESS, I'm going round to Dsis's to try it on for my mother on Monday. Have to do it behind the kids' backs because I have to keep up the pretence of not wearing white or they'll tell Papa (DP).