AIBU to think MIL is toxic and treat her that way?

[Overlookhotel]

MIL has a long history of behaviour that I'm only now realising as properly toxic, going right back to when her kids were tiny, she's said and done some awful things, not of a 'call the police' level but things you wouldn't expect to ever do or say to family. Without making the post huge the worst examples recently were she made SIL miserable on the run up to SIL's wedding by insisting on her own way, made me and DH very unhappy before our wedding by huge tantrums because she 'thought she was losing him' and had a tantrum going on for weeks when we moved area as she was 'so devastated'.

Now the latest row has come about because we arranged our Christmas leave and told MIL when this was, so were trying to arrange time to see them - we have to alternate who's parents we see each year because of the distances involved and this year is my parents year to 'have' Christmas Day so MIL has known for months that we won't be visiting on Christmas Day. MIL threw a fit that we weren't going to be there on the days she wanted (Boxing Day and just after) as the leave we could get is before and up to Christmas Day and she was 'gobsmacked' we were offering to come up just before Christmas.

This led to a huge tantrum where she accused me and DH of all sorts of stuff, including forgetting about his family, wanting to cut them out, lying about various things etc etc - really nasty bitter stuff. This is a regular pattern, whenever she gets upset she lashes out massively but FIL and SIL always defend her as 'that's just her'. Again, as the script normally goes after a few days of this she suddenly 'relents' and says she only said all those things because she was hurt/fluey/tired/upset/shocked (at our behaviour - with the not going to her when she wanted) and expects it to all get smoothed over.

DH desperately wants to smooth it over every time, despite this affecting his MH badly and him feeling very hurt, because MIL knows what buttons to press to get him feeling ridiculously guilty (things like telling him FIL will be ill from the stress). I know full well that means I have a DH problem firstly but we've been working on this but it's slow going when MIL keeps throwing fits like this, but I'm happy he's working on it. We have a DD as well so this affects her.

I know it's not the right thing but DH can't deal with her fully right now and the problem is right now so I'm resigned to 'stepping up' and being the one to challenge her. MIL and FIL (as he has to do what she wants to avoid his life being hell) have turned me into the scapegoat, making it all my fault that things can't be smoothed over because 'everyone else wants to, except Overlook', even lying about things I've said and twisting events to suit themselves. I'm not 'fine' with this but I can accept it because MIL will make someone the scapegoat so if it has to be me then I can cope with it.

If I 'put my foot down' as I'm intending things will carry on being nasty and MIL will blame me, eg we're not going to stay with them when we visit them now as we usually do because I don't want the same behaviour while I'm stuck in their house, frankly I'm not sure I ever want to stay with her again.

I just want to vent about it and ask if anyone else has been in a similar situation and had to be the only one standing up to a family member?

This sounds so like my needy attention seeking MIL. She has countless illnesses and allergies ( including water apparently) and when they were here last had gluten intolorance ( but could eat bread if the cafe serving soup was a little further away) and ice- cream although apparently has sugar intolerance as that "settles" her stomach.
The final straw was when she pretended to drown in the local pool. Attention seeking extremo!
I have been NC since ; told DH they couldn't visit again unless this was sorted. It hasn't been , merely pushed under the carpet till next time. I have no intention of visiting.
My contribution to Xmas presents is the book I saw and ordered yesterday "Five go Gluten Free!" It wasn't much on Amazon I shall decide later if I want to go passive aggressive and post it for Xmas .

It really sounds as though MIL has Narcissistic Personality disorder. She has conditioned DH and SIL to do what she wants from childhood, and if they don't obey she punishes them by being angry first and making them guilty for not being obedient second. If they don't respond she goes into 'feel sorry for me' mode and claims illness or anything that will draw attention back to her. She knows FIL will then support her and even SIL will excuse her behaviour as 'just her way.' The spouses of her children will always be blamed as the ones trying to take them away from her, hence all the fuss at their weddings. She thinks that her control over them has been lessened. And sometimes the way they behave is completely ridiculous and illogical. You explained to MIL that you couldn't get leave after Christmas, most people would be privately disappointed but make the best of the days you could visit. Not MIL, she has a meltdown of epic proportions and is really nasty to you, far exceeding the 'disobedience' warranted. What she hopes for is that you and DH will feel so bad, that you will try to re-arrange with your family in order to prioritise hers.

Stick to your guns, ignore all emotional blackmail and find ways of managing contact. You and DH don't have to pick up the phone when she calls. You don't have to tolerate being spoken to disrespectfully and rudely and can end calls straight away. You can educate yourselves about personality disorders and how to manage your behaviours towards MIL. DH can get counselling to improve his self esteem and understand that it really is her, not him.

If MIL has decided that it isn't to her liking for you to visit befor Christmas, don't go. If she tries to persuade you again, simply say that that is the best you can offer, it isn't up to you who gets what leave around Christmas, that's work management's decision. It's a shame but that's the way it is.

She sounds hideous.

I like what blu said. Seems a really good way of approaching it

gluten intolorance ( but could eat bread if the cafe serving soup was a little further away)

Love it!

Intolerance caused by cafe proximity . . .

I agree with Mom2Monkeys

Great post Mom2Monkeys

Autumn - good point. My experience has been the opposite though. By being calm, neutral but firm in my desire not to get involved, it's promoted a gradual realisation that all of the drama, aggravation and hard work comes from elsewhere. It's up to that person to decide whether they want to go NC, LC or whether they are prepared to maintain the relationship. But I won't engage, facilitate or get involved - I've just removed myself from it. The only part I play is as a sympathetic listener, but I won't give my opinion nor my advice!

Your MIL sounds awful - selfish, abusive and very hard work. What is it with people like this, they think the whole world revolves around their wants and needs and don't even think of the terrible effect their unreasonable behaviour has on those around them. I have been a shield between my DH and his abusive and manipulative mother too, so I know how you feel. In our case my MIL would flip out from time to time and obsessively go for the jugular with my DH by leaving sweary abusive messages on our answer machine and sending us hate mail. My DH's MH and emotional well being have been seriously and permanently damaged by his mother's abusive behaviour. We are now NC with her and have been so for about 3 years, but although he feels much better for not having her in our lives she will always be inside his head tormenting him.

The problem with people like this is that they are incapable of realising that they are in the wrong and usually so set in their ways that there is very little you can realistically do to change the situation - especially if everyone around this woman is making excuses for her behaviour. You did mention that she eventually apologises for her outbursts, so maybe she isn't a completely hopeless case. If I was in your position I would tell her that you and your DH need some space and put some distance between you and her and explain why, and extensively labour the point that her behaviour is affecting her son's MH. This will probably result in an intial backlash from her, but it doesn't sound as though you can really avoid such a reaction as she obviously doesn't react well to anything other than compliance with her own opinions and plans. Also make it clear that you would like to see more of her but her own behaviour is preventing it. She will probably play the martyr and make it all about her feelings, but I think a bit of distance would be good for your DH and it may make her think twice about flinging this emotional garbage at the people around her.

After years of verbally and emotionally abusing her family and pushing away friends my MIL now has nobody. Her own doing.