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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to refuse to ignore my son

44 replies

Lovebeingmama · 03/11/2016 23:51

Our son is 2 years old and (at the moment) strongly prefers me to daddy.
If I am in the room, he has to be next to me. If I walk out he runs and holds my hand. We are very close but it can be a little annoying at times.
However, my husband has started to get very frustrated and will try and hold my son so he stays with daddy. Every time this results in a screaming fit as our son tries to get away to be near me.
I've tried to get them closer by encouraging 'father and son' time, with me not being present.
However, recently my husband has asked me not to hold our son when he moves away from daddy and comes to me. I have refused to do this, as I don't want our son to feel rejected. My husband thinks that this will help our son develop a better bond with him. AIBU to tell him to no?

OP posts:

Bagina · 04/11/2016 06:29

We had this with ds. It broke dh's heart. From age 4.5 ds just suddenly developed this huge bond with dh. It's lovely to see. Dh has certainly waited years for this, but wait he did. Having dc is just a succession of phases that you have to ride out. Your dh is going to cause anxiety and fear in your ds. It will all come in time.

OhWotIsItThisTime · 04/11/2016 06:29

You need to help your DH and DS form a bond. Your DH is being a twat and barking up the wrong tree. However, if you can put in place a plan, your DH will stop being a twat as he gets to do something active that will resolve the issue.

You need to show affection to your DH in front of your DS. Your DH needs to spend more time with DS. Start with a quick trip to the park - they go on their own. Or out for a coffee/cake. Little 'treat' trips where they spend time together and have fun.

At the moment your DH wants the situation to change but hasn't got a clue how to do it. So you need to take charge and show him.

NotYoda · 04/11/2016 06:29

Introverted I agree

I don't know if this is the case with the OP, but I think it's pretty flattering to be the favoured parent. I have had friends who, for their own emotional reasons have needed to be the be-all and end all in their child's life

GirlInASwirl · 04/11/2016 06:31

It's quite normal for a child of this age to react badly to change. They are developmentally quite ego-centric up to the age of five (typically). This means that they are focussed on getting their needs met and what others think is of less concern. He seems to be saying that being with you is part of his routine and being with others makes him feel less secure. He is reacting to the change from one activity to another - rather than choosing one parent over another. Maybe the key is to integrate your partner into the end part of your activity/play before gradually retiring. A nice smooth transition. And this will take a while intensively before it becomes natural for your son. It is very important though as it paves the way to him being comfortable later around carers, nurseries, school staff etc.

Introvertedbuthappy · 04/11/2016 06:32

I think it really helps when DS1 went through his clingy phases for my DH to show how much HE loves me. He modelled it for DS. Don't reinforce a competition; present a united front.

NotYoda · 04/11/2016 06:33

yes

PlugUgly · 04/11/2016 06:34

Your husband is being ill informed, selfish and will make the situation FAR worse ! Stick with your instincts and let your son cling to you all he wants, it is a phase, I speak from experience, one of my 4 was like this and no end of well meaning people tried to get me to separate more from her, I decided to ignore them all and let her be a limpet whenever she needed to, despite all the 'predictions ' she became more confident than any of the others, went to school more easily etc. Be strong on this one

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/11/2016 06:47

Trying. Perhaps my dh is more resilient then. He did get frustrated sometimes at never being the favoured parent but didn't act in this way. We talked about it so perhaps that helped loads. I read up about child development and could assure him and help with strategies of dealing with me being the favourite. He would always take time to play with dd and I'd video it sometimes so that I could take a back seat and she could watch it repeatedly and see how much fun daddy is. Like Introverted said, we have regular family cuddles. Dh made up a song about her. I said right from word go regularly "baby dragons lovely", "who's lovely." Etc. As she got to your ds's age, she would say "mummy's lovely, daddy's lovely, doggys lovely". So we got over any obstacles with love, not threats of withdrawal of access to the favoured parent.

SpunkyMummy · 04/11/2016 06:53

When my son uses to do this DH used to pick him up, hug him and bring him over to me and say 'we love you Mummy's and said excitedly 'family cuddle' and we all hugged each other. After a while DS1 liked shouting 'family cuddle' and we'd all run in together. It was a way of reinforcing that we all love each other, not that it was he and DS against the world IYSWIM.

I really like this suggestion by an other user.

SprogletsMum · 04/11/2016 07:00

Your dh is being mean to make your son stay with him if he clearly.doesn't want to.
All my dc prefer me to their dad. Of course they love us both but I am their main carer I'm the one who is nearly always there, I pick them up from school I do the fun stuff and the boring stuff. Dp does sometimes feel a bit hurt but realises that it's inevitable. He certainly doesn't try to force them to stay with him if they want me.

JeanGenie23 · 04/11/2016 07:13

I am experiencing something similar right now except my dd wants DP and not me, ever. It became really bad whilst we were on holiday, she would have mega screaming fits if i was with her whilst DP went to the toilet and he hurt his back carrying her all the time.
We are working through it and as sad as I can get about it, I know it's just a phase and I'm not offended by her behaviour or jealous of the bond she has with her dad.
Somethings we do to help overcome it are;

Cuddling on the sofa together. Making time for the three of us to relax together.

Making lots of games up so when DP has to shower or whatever, we pretend dd is an airplane and she comes zooming over to me (she loves planes at the moment) this way she isn't distressed at DP leaves the room.

We also talk to her a lot and try to explain that DP will come back soon. I don't know how much she understands but every day we are getting back to how it used to be.

Your DH needs to realise his behaviour won't help this situation he needs to change not you.

GoofyTheHero · 04/11/2016 07:18

You always here about mummys boys and daddys girls, and not the other way around.

Absolute rubbish. I have 2 DD's and they're both complete mummy's girls.

Luckily DH doesn't take offence at this and just makes sure he does things with both girls that they enjoy doing. DD1 (nearly 3) loves swimming so he makes sure he takes her a couple of times a week, and it has become their activity. DD2 is 16 months and very attached to me. DH spends lots of time reading to her and playing with her to develop their bond.

FoxesOnSocks · 04/11/2016 07:21

It's very interesting that all (we the very vast majority of) those saying saying negative things about your DH are the favoured parent to their children. Exactly how do you behave towards your DS when he runs away from his dad? Is it more your need for a hug than your DS's is your DH really asking you to 'ignore' your DS?

Anyway that aside, how much time does your DH get to spent with your DS without you being there? They definitely should have this sort of time together rather than time trying to stop DS go to DH in preference to you whilst you are physically there or even nearby.

GoofyTheHero · 04/11/2016 07:22

DH is also pretty resilient about it. It's to be expected, im their main carer and he works fairly long hours.

Original poster

Lovebeingmama · 04/11/2016 07:23

Thanks so much for your advice, I really appreciate it.
We argued last night about this with him, but he thought things through and is being more reasonable this morning.
Ive told him that holding my son when he needs me is always going to happen, whatever. However, he needs to come over to and not be 'left out in the cold'.
Already he is doing bedtime reading and every weekend have a few hours of 'daddy and son' time. I need the break :-)
I think he's accepting that this is something that needs patience and understanding, its not something he can force.
Thanks again for your help. My son is my first, so all new to me.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 04/11/2016 07:24

Your husband sounds thoroughly stupid

Losingtheplod · 04/11/2016 07:36

Glad to see he is being more reasonable this morning. He was definitely taking the wrong approach, but I feel for him, it must be tough to be the out of favour parent, however normal a stage it is. If it helps my DS was similar at that age. DH just had to wait it out, and DS did go through a phase where DH was the favourite.

acquiescence · 04/11/2016 07:41

Maybe encourage your husband to have a read about attachment. Your son clearly has a secure attachment to you and by refusing to hold him you could jeopardise that (which would be a bad thing developmentally and psychologically and could have an impact on his personality and ability to form relationships as an adult).

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 04/11/2016 10:12

We had the same thing with DD when she was 1.5y, DH was acting a bit like your DH, but I was able to convince him to stop fighting it.
Anyway, it passed after 6 months or so.
Now at 2.5y it is her twin brother who asks for me all the time, and funnily enough DD now starts showing a preference for her dad on occasions.

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