Or is ex?

[ElectricMelon]

I know this is a trivial problem but my mum died a few weeks ago and usually I would have phoned her up and have a moan but I have no one now and this stupid thing has really got to me.

Bit of a backstory: ex left 2 weeks before I gave birth for OW. He didn't see Dd until she was about 9 months old (he didn't register her birth with me so isn't on her BC) and then when he started seeing her it was as and when he wanted, usually just 3 or 4 hours a week. I always had to rearrange plans for him and the reason he barely saw her was because getting his life how he wanted and put Dd on the back burner whilst he did this.

Dd is 3 in December so she has only had three Christmases and Birthdays before. The first one she was a newborn and he didn't bother with her. The second one her dad was working both days so he didn't see her. The third one I offered to split the days with him but he was busy and had her Christmas eve and the day after her birthday.

Now he has bought a house with the OW, got settled in his new job and got his life how he wants it he decided to step up and threatened to take me to court for 50/50. He believes I have no rights as courts favour fathers now and that he will be guaranteed at least 50/50 probably more.

I never gave into his demands and slowly but surely we have built up contact to EOW and every Sunday all day. So I barely get any leisure time with Dd and we rarely do fun stuff because I work through the week. I hate it but I want her to have a relationship with her dad and weekends are the only days he is apparently free to have her. Not sure how he thinks 50/50 would work if that's the case. I think this is the best amount of contact for now and am open to it changing as Dd gets older and builds more of a relationship with him.

If he asks for Dd on a day that isn't 'his' I rarely say no to him same with his mum. I let his mum have Dd when she likes.

Last year he had Dd on Halloween and took her trick or treating and last year he had her on Bonfire night and brought her home at 7 as her bedtime is 7:30.

This year she was invited to a party on Halloween which finished at 6:30 so when he asked me the night before if he could take her trick or treating and I said no, his nose was put out of joint and he made a point of asking for a photo of her dressed up seen as though he would be 'missing out as usual'.

Today he messaged me asking if he could have her on Saturday night (Bonfire night). It isn't 'his' Saturday with her and I did make plans for my dad to come over for tea after work and to have some little fireworks in the garden for Dd. I said he can have her until 7 and explained I have plans. He asked to have her until 8 because he wants to take her to a bonfire. I said no because I already have plans and I don't want her going to bed really late because she is grumpy the next day. He royally kicked off and said I was selfish and I always get first dibs of all the special occasions and he is sick of it. He said I can have my dad over anytime and have fireworks.

All of the 'special occasions' I have shared with him or at least offered to and been declined!

He started with the whole 50/50 crap again and said I need to realise he has equal rights to Dd and I am not in charge. He said I am stuck in the 90's if I think he won't be able to get 50/50 as courts now favour dads and I would be laughed out of court for the amount of contact I give him. I said go for it then because I am fed up of him threatening me all the time and would prefer something set in stone. He said the courts care more about what fathers want and I said no they care about the DC's and don't give a damn about the parents feelings or what the parent's think they are entitled to. He told me I was talking out of my arse and so was whichever solicitor told me all this crap.

I stopped rising to him and said you can have her until 7 or not at all, it's up to you but I'm not arguing about it anymore and he put the phone down on me.

Am I such an unreasonable cow for letting him have at such short notice, rearranging my plans and not wanting to mess with her bedtime?

Sorry for your loss OP.
Gosh what a wanker he is. He's just trying to bully you into submission. The more you give these type of guys the more they will take; continuing to abuse along the way. I know, my ex was / still is the same.. I agree he should have EOW and maybe a week day, not every Sunday as well.

Sounds like you have a nice weekend planned with your DD and DF. Tell him no it's not his weekend.

He would never get 50/50. I agree that it might be a good idea to get a court order in place to help you enforce your boundaries.

It's a long road to travel, trying to parent alongside an unreasonable prick.

He's just sent me a big long essay on how unreasonable I am and how he gets less access than most dads and how everyone says so.

He says that I think he is less important than I am and I said that I am more important than you are to Dd! I'm the one she wakes up crying for and at her young age I am her whole world. He once went on holiday for 3 weeks and Dd didn't even mention him once or ask where he was and she wasn't even bothered. I leave the room to go for a wee and she clings to me like she is never going to see me again.

He just sees her as a possession and wants what he is entitled to and I am just trying to avoid any extra upset or stress on Dd.

This is a tactic. Been there, done that. Do not engage! You are not in the wrong. He doesn't get to control you.

Dont engage with the emotional
Attack. He isnt as important as you. He doesnt get as much time with his daughter as other dads as he walked away and barely looked back. He is a dick.

Ugh you are right; he thinks of her as his possession. He's not thinking of her well being; it's all about him.
My advice is to stop engaging with him. He's just trying to guilt you into submission by saying 'everyone says so.' Bollocks.
I spent years responding to my exes vile texts. Complete waste of time. It's best to ignore. I wish I had realised that earlier. You don't have to respond. If he continues it's harassment.

You are right that he sees her as a possession, and he sees getting access to her as 'winning'. I know because my XDP was the same. He spent the first 9 months after our split in another country, then came back and played ball for a very short time before doing and saying all the things your XP has. He was also emotionally abusive throughout our relationship and I left as soon as it turned physical.

He soon backed off when I told him fine, let's go to court as I'd appreciate having a formalised plan. He soon realised he'd get nowhere and dropped it.

Fast forward another 3 years and he abdicated all responsibility. He's not seen his DS in a year now.

I suspect your XP will be very similar, if he couldn't be bothered in the first few years he will likely lose interest again, particularly as DD gets older and more opinionated. My XDP and DS clashed a lot in their last few months together and DS now says of his own volition that his Dad is useless even though I never bad mouthed my ex. Kids know these things.

And I despise your XP for getting DD to call the new gf Mummy and saying she can have 2 Mums but only one Dad. What a sicko. My XDP told DS that he's not part of my family as he has XDP's surname and not mine, therefore XDP's family were his 'real' family. It backfired on him. DS turned around and told him that as soon as he was 16 he'd change his surname to mine by deed poll. In the meantime DS now goes by 'known as' [my surname].

Thanks for all the replies. I am going to ignore him and carry on as I am doing with contact but perhaps swap the Sunday for a weekday and if he says he can't do a weekday then I am not sure how he expects to do 50/50

If he wants to take me to court then so be it. I think I am being reasonable and Dd seems happy with the contact and has finally started to settle into the routine.

He just wants what he wants and does not think at all about how this will all affect Dd and he thinks I have some vendetta against him when in reality I just don't care about his rights or how he feels. It's not about him or me. All I care about is Dd and how it all impacts on her but he can't understand this and I am portrayed as the difficult ex.

"Two mummies"?!? FFS!

honeylulu yep two mummies and only one daddy.

He also bought her a card from Dd on Mother's Day saying 'to my mummy' on it and bought her flowers, concert tickets and I didn't even get a card. And on her birthday he bought her a card saying 'mummy' on it and the gf posted them on Facebook with the caption 'from my princess' and all her friends gushed at what a brill mummy she was to Dd and how clever and funny Dd was and how she should be proud of herself

I'm a step mum and so have been through this on the other side, although under very different circumstances, you sound like a fantastic mother who is doing everything right by your DD and he is just an absolute wanker.

But I just wanted to say, from our experience, what he's saying is complete shite about being entitled to more. My DP has a very favourable contact arrangement which is 3 nights a week for 3 weeks then one week 'off' so to speak and extra nights as and when. But about 2 years ago, everything wasn't as rosy as it is now and the DC's mum would stop contact or threaten to stop contact if her and my DP had an argument. So we consulted two different solicitors to see if there was anything DP could do to get the contact arrangement legally sanctioned so she couldn't threaten him with not seeing his kids all the time. We were told that basically, my DP should shut up and put up and try to work on the relationship with his ex well away from the courts because what he had in terms of contact was way more than the courts would normally award and he stood to lose time with his kids instead of formalise what he already had. The standard is EOW and a night mid-week. Now this is for a man who has never once abandoned his children, those kids are his whole life and he'd feed me to the lions if it meant he'd be on time to pick them up. He's never missed a payment, he contributes to anything extra they need, he will drop everything for them if their mum needs a night off. If two different solicitors can say that a father like that stands to lose time with his kids if he goes to court, imagine how favourably the judge is going to look upon your ex

Basically what i'm trying to say is, the man is deluded and he clearly hasn't taken any legal advice because the solicitor would laugh him out of their office with all the 'i'm entitled to this that and the other' crap. The solicitor would soon tell him 'you are entitled to absolutely nothing, you didn't even bother to turn up to get yourself on the birth certificate, you literally have no rights whatsoever. And even if you were on the certificate, you are still entitled to nothing, it is your child who is entitled to a relationship with you, not the other way around.'

So don't worry, all the cards are in your deck and he'll soon find he has nowhere to go.

Also I'm so sorry for all the shit he's putting you through, getting your DD to call his gf mummy is beyond horrific. What a complete arse. Stand strong and remember that the older your DD gets, the more she will see for herself what a low-life he is. Don't give in to him and know that you have ALL the power in this situation and rightly so.

He said I am stuck in the 90's if I think he won't be able to get 50/50 as courts now favour dads and I would be laughed out of court for the amount of contact I give him.

I am a family law solicitor. This ^ is bullshit.

Google the welfare checklist. That is what the court will consider.

From what you have posted, his contact sounds reasonable.

Sorry, should have RTFT. I see you have a solicitor and have had lots of advice so probably already aware of the above.