To expect my brother to offer to move rooms

[doobyboobydo]

Or for my Mum to ask him to move.

Going from the States to the UK for Christmas. Wasn't planning on it this year as it costs a fortune and is generally more stress than it's worth but my Dad's been diagnosed with cancer on top of his ms so I really want to spend Xmas with him.

We've booked an Airbnb for Dad's part of the trip as he doesn't want us staying with him which I totally get. Just starting chemo and is awake all night so sleeps a lot in the day and in chronic pain so has a short fuse understandably and ds is three therefore has the ability to be a bit of a pain in the ass occasionally .

Part of the trip will involve seeing dm and family in her area.

We usually stay with her but my brother has dropped out of uni so is back at home.

There is a double room which dh, me and ds usually fit in to at a squeeze but my brother is now in it.

There is a single room he used to use but now he's older he 'needs more space' and Mum says she 'can't ask him to move at Christmas that's unfair.'

So we've had to book another Airbnb. It quite a way away and adding another £550 to a trip that's already going to make money very tight for a while.

Aibu at being a little hurt that my brother didn't offer to move for a few days and that she wouldn't ask him?

She's got form for putting my male siblings before me and I know I can be oversensitive about it so just wanted to see what others thought. And check I'm not being a big whiny baby.

She's also made a big fuss about 'not doing a thing on Xmas day.' Which I kind of get, why should it always fall to the Mum to cater for everyone. So dh offered that we buy all the food for the family, cook it and wash up and she still got annoyed and 'she just doesn't want the agro'.

So now we're spending Xmas day with my Dad who's panicking about whether or not he'll feel ok and ruin everyone's Christmas.

Fucking hell who'd be an expat? Should have booked to Hawaii and got pissed the whole time.

Sorry about your dad, that must be so hard for you. I'd be tempted to say to your mother that either brother changes rooms or you won't be visiting. Say you have to prioritise your poorly father's needs and can't afford lodgings for both parts of the trip. Will visiting your mother and brothers add anything to your visit, or just leave you poorer emotionally and financially? What values is your son learning from seeing his family treated with indifference and his mum being sidelined?

What about saying to your DM that if your brother moves out then you will agree to a meal out on Christmas Day. That way no one has to cook or clean up but you will have saved enough by not having the second Airbnb to afford the meal. Your dad can then come and eat and go home to rest if he doesn't feel well? Or you could eat in a restaurant with your DM and DB and then pop in with cake to your DF's?

You are a good daughter. The rest of it is a nightmare and you could be too under the circumstances but you are doing what is right despite everything else. Even if no one acknowledges it.

I think YANBU. I'm shocked that your brother hasn't offered tbh! Can't get my head around families behaving this way, but I know my view isn't the majority one on MN.

I'm so sorry your dad is sick. You should spend as much time as possible with him. He sounds like he did a great job looking after you and sounds like a lovely caring man. Enjoy the time you have with him.
Your mother on the other hand is a different story. She abandoned you as a kid and treats you badly. I have been there and I know how desperate it makes you for every scrap of affection you can get from her. Don't let yourself be hurt by someone who doesn't care. It will bring you nothing but pain.
If the family on your mothers side love you they will still see you. You really don't need to let yourself be hurt to keep some sort of family. Love is not conditional on you letting yourself be hurt. It should be given freely.

I think we've established now that none of this is about your brother, it's about your Mum.

Is there any other family you get stay with? Could you shorten the stay and do a couple of nights in a Premier Inn? That'd be a lot less than £550.

None of it sounds fun :( Hope you manage to have a nice Christmas.

Thanks everyone.

It's funny how you just accept things until a DC comes along and then you're no longer able to emotionally tolerate bad behaviour.

I think part of it is that I've always as you said been happy for any little scrap but now she's made unkind comments about ds it's brought out 30 odd years of resentment mixed with Mama bear protection instincts and I'm not having ds subjected to it. (His first words he said to her down the phone ever were met with "oh he's still a bit behind with speech, he's slow in a lot of things isn't he?", telling him he speaks in a yucky accent (American) and saying he'll get fat if he eats too much. I know he's only 3 now but he understands what people are saying. She's more than aware of issues I've had with my weight (pretty much 100% caused by her always calling me fat and greedy) and if so so careful to tip toe around my brothers' port body images so to do it to ds isn't a mistake.

Ugh sorry, I came on to ask a simple aibu and years of Mum resentment has spilled out.

I've tried to make my peace with the fact I'm so last in the pecking order and take the good and leave the bad but sometimes I bruise a little more easily than others and realise my skin isn't as tough as I thought.

We can't eat out with my Mum as she doesn't eat out. She also doesn't visit shops ever. She's a strange old duck.

It's funny how you just accept things until a DC comes along and then you're no longer able to emotionally tolerate bad behaviour.

Absolutely correct I can relate to this so much