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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP refusing to join in

44 replies

PeppermintToes · 02/11/2016 09:39

Context...Start of my relationship with DP had its ups and downs and I moaned constantly confided in a couple of close friends. As a result, first time meeting between friend and DP (2 years ago) was frosty (from her). Friend also has a habit of appearing disinterested and coming across a little rude (just her, nothing personal), DP has been reassured by other mutual friends that it’s not him, the friend is just a bit hard work sometimes.

Fast forward…friend has invited DP along to a number of activities her and I have had planned, all of which DP has turned down. Most recent was this morning, a dinner at hers with a group of people, I’m now going alone as DP has yet again turned it down.

AIBU to be a bit upset about this? I have mildly voiced that I’m a bit sad about it, not argued with him but said I’d like it if he made more of an effort. She’s an old friend, we live very close to each other and she’s also bridesmaid at our upcoming wedding. AIBU to feel he should integrate more? Suck it up and make more of an effort with her? We’ve also recently moved to the area and friend is clearly trying to make an effort to introduce us to her larger circle of friends.

Thoughts would be greatly appreciated

OP posts:

Batteriesallgone · 02/11/2016 12:44

"Your life will be so hard if you marry a difficult man"

This a million times. I have friends who now - 10 years down the line and the 'D'H knows she'll never leave him over a party - go to every single social occasion on their own.

One of them came to a big birthday party of a friend of his that is married to one of our friends. Felt he had to go because it was his mate. Got hammered because he was 'having to deal with her friends' and was generally really unpleasant to us and annoyed the birthday guy.

Either get a new DP or new friends, because if your closest friend is hard work and so is your DP, that's a fast track to lonely.

MaudlinNamechange · 02/11/2016 13:01

yes. And what happens is, you take on the job of being the social face of your establishment to the world, and you don't get any respect for it because he thinks you are just constantly enjoying it. Just because you're doing it doesn't mean you're enjoying it; standing around chatting with school mums / neighbours might be painful as hell and you just want to go in and drink tea and read the paper, but some fucker has to keep some threads of connection alive to the outside world, deal with the plumber and the piano teacher, etc. So you're doing it, AND being despised for doing it, like he's loftier and better

diddl · 02/11/2016 13:04

"Because you're doing it for someone you love"

Doesn't that apply to your friend?

Why did she feel that she had to be frosty on her first meeting with him?

Original poster

PeppermintToes · 02/11/2016 13:04

Yes they're genuine invites, they're only casual things, we'll head to town and she'll ask if he's wanting to join us (type things), she doesn't know she's a bridesmaid yet so nothing to do with that. No apology for being bored and aloof as she won't have realised that's what she was doing! All totally resolved, no issues from me on her regarding the past.
Maudlin yes totally agree about the hand holding, and usually he is great about it. I rarely feel like he does this but this particular situation I feel, considering the frequency with which he turns down the invites, that once or twice he should suck it up, for me.

OP posts:

TaterTots · 02/11/2016 13:15

She doesn't know she's a bridesmaid yet

If you've got any sense, she never will. Picking a bridesmaid your fiancée can't stand is a recipe for disaster.

Original poster

PeppermintToes · 02/11/2016 13:23

At no point did I say he couldn't stand her! He'd just rather not come along to social events she's throwing. He's happy to have her in our house and is lovely to her when she's round. But he won't come 'with' me to anything for her.
While we're on that point, I'm not the biggest fan of his best man but it's his best mate so I'm keeping quiet!

OP posts:

UsedtobeFeckless · 02/11/2016 15:51

What did you tell her to make her freeze him out when they first met? Was it a wrong-colour-of-birthday-roses or a shags-dozens-of-other-people type issue? It's hard to know if her reaction to him is unreasonable without knowing what he did to earn her ire in the first place ...

LagunaBubbles · 02/11/2016 16:00

Maybe the "rudeness" has been over exaggerated. She has a habit of asking a question and then kind of looking over your shoulder when you reply. She wasn't purposely rude, she just came off a bit 'offish' as some people do...it's just their personality

Yes rude people!!! Asking a question about someone and then looking over your shoulder when they answer IS spectacularly rude and sends out a clear message they arent really interested in your answer.

DontMindMe1 · 02/11/2016 16:08

What don't you get? He doesn't like her! He doesn't want to waste precious time being all fake and contrived at her party, pretending to enjoy her company. He doesn't have an issue with making time for your other friends - just this one.

I don't blame him. I'd hate to spend an evening/day with someone i don't want to be around, biting my lip from telling them a few home truths and pretending to enjoy myself....watching paint dry is much more appealing.

You may be conditioned to your df rudeness as being 'just her way' but all you're doing is enabling her. She's an adult - she can understand and modify her behaviour - but you don't call her out on it, you carry on as if it's acceptable. Yet you expect your DP to modify his - and for what? So you can carry on playing the game of "this is how we do things"? i.e only MY feelings matter and yours don't count

Just accept that your dp has some backbone and integrity...and your best mate has an attitude problem. I bet if she improved her communication skills more people might actually want to spend time with her.

Nanny0gg · 02/11/2016 16:29

He'd just rather not come along to social events she's throwing. He's happy to have her in our house and is lovely to her when she's round. But he won't come 'with' me to anything for her.

There has to be a reason for that.

Original poster

PeppermintToes · 02/11/2016 16:35

Thank you all again for your responses, it's been really thought provoking.
Nanny I think the reason is that if she's round ours he dips in and out of our conversations, hosts etc but largely leaves us to it (girly chatting) but when it comes to going to hers it's a combination of not really caring about seeing her, him being tired, him not caring about coming with me.
All very interesting responses and just to clarify I'd never force him to come along and haven't even made a big deal about it to him - was just genuinely interested in MNetters opinions on wywd

OP posts:

FlyingElbows · 02/11/2016 16:48

I'm what Maudlin would describe as "prickly mollusc". I would describe myself as "woman with zero tolerance for rude people and absolutely no sense of obligation to put up with dreadful behaviour which makes me feel uncomfortable". If Mr Elbows chooses (because he's an adult) to feel obligated to talk to every person on the planet and accept whatever behaviour is thrown at him that's his lookout. I'm not his staff, I'm not obligated to behave in tge same way because it's what he wants. Neither is the Op's husband. If being bullied at school and living with a mother with a personality disorder taught me one thing it's that when you're an autonomous grown up you absolutely do not have to accept other people's shit. More people would have happier lives if they learnt to say "no thanks". Op your rude friend is your friend. Your oh doesn't want her. Leave it at that.

UsedtobeFeckless · 02/11/2016 16:51

What did you tell her about him before they met?

Original poster

PeppermintToes · 02/11/2016 17:44

It was the same level as shagging-12-people rather than wrong-colour-roses. It's no longer an issue but caused upset at the beginning and therefore caused me to lean on my friend. None of us have any issue with it anymore, she said the "making up to do" thing cus she'd got a bad first impression of him based on the upsetting time. She hasnt been horrible about him at any point, just as previously described, offish

OP posts:

Lweji · 02/11/2016 17:53

I agree with some other pps that it's hard to tell here.

What kind of other events does he say no to? Is it only your friend? Are they important to you?

It may be telling that you have a best friend that is difficult and are engaged to what seems a difficult man as well.
Are you 100% sure about him?
He sounds like my ex and that's not exactly good news.

UsedtobeFeckless · 02/11/2016 19:58

If he gets on fine with your other mates and is friendly and polite to Offish Woman when she comes round I think you should let it go, OP ... From his point of view this is someone who snubbed him when they were first introduced and makes a point of looking through him when they talk. Why would he think her invitations were genuine requests for his company as she doesn't act or sound as if she likes him at all?

Unless he's trying to make you see less of her against your wishes or force you to choose between them I'd just see her without him for the time being and hope they get used to each other over time!

CheddarGorgeous · 02/11/2016 20:27

Is he generally anti social or is it just this friend? If it's just this one I'd let it go. I have friends DH doesn't gel with and vice versa. Having said that, if I asked him to come with me, he would.

Alternatively, it could be that he is secretly wildly in love with her and it's too painful to be in her presence

MitzyLeFrouf · 02/11/2016 20:42

You're attracted to difficult people OP both in romance and in friendship. They sound as bad as each another.

Naicehamshop · 02/11/2016 21:08

Be careful, op. This type of "difficult" man grinds you down after a while. Been there, got the t-shirt.

I understand that he doesn't want to see her all the time, but he could make an effort every now and again for your sake.

Being with someone like this can make you feel very isolated after a while.

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