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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband bringing drunk friends back home

53 replies

Tetley08 · 02/11/2016 07:15

My husband goes out a fair bit after work which I'm fine with however we've had some awful arguments the past few months as he's started inviting people back to our flat in the early hours.
The first time it happened I wasn't that upset, it was some guy he works with who was really drunk who ended up asleep on our sofa. We had a bit of a laugh about it the next day, but I did say to him afterwards that I didn't want him bringing people back to our flat again as it wakes me up, we live in a small flat, they could easily wake our son up, and I don't particularly like people that I don't know crashing around my home at 2am. In fact I said to him, if you're out drinking again & you want to bring a friend back, if it's before midnight give me call & if I'm up I might say that's ok, if it's past midnight please don't as chances are I'll be asleep. He agreed with this, said sorry.
Anyway, since that first time, which was back in July, he has continued to bring people back to our flat a further 5 times, always past midnight, usually around 2-3am. The guy hasn't stayed over again as I've told him he has to leave. Usually it's the same guy, the one he works with, but once it was somebody else. Each time it has woken me up, caused massive arguments and it's mostly been during the week so I've had to go to work the next day having had a really disruptive night - a few times I've been really upset so I haven't managed to get back to sleep. When I've asked him why he's brought someone back when I've specifically asked him not to, he's said (whilst drunk), that it's his home, he pays the bills (he's the main breadwinner), and he can do what he likes. He also says that I'm blowing things out of proportion & im being unreasonable.
I'm really upset that he would do this & I can't help but feel like he's doing this on purpose to upset me. He has been apologetic a few times the following day but mostly I think he thinks I'm being petty and silly for making this an issue. The thing that really bugs me is that I have asked him in a reasonable way not to do this, he's agreed, and then he's gone against what we agreed. When you are married surely you respect your spouse & you don't go back on an agreement?
I'd really appreciate some outsiders point of view on this as its really upsetting me & I'm finding it difficult to see things clearly.

OP posts:
Aibohphobia · 02/11/2016 08:31

If the roles were reversed I would never do something that pissed him off this much & I never go against what we had discussed. It's part of being married isn't it?!

Yes.

//--------------

Would it be acceptable every 3 months?

Would it be acceptable if they were silent?

If no and no, why not? Assuming you have reasonable objections then time to have a very serious conversation with him. Have you asked him if he is trying to make a point? Is there any room for compromise from you?

Bluntness100 · 02/11/2016 08:33

I think this is difficult. He obviously has an active social life, which is another subject entirely, but he clearly gets drunk and then lets a friend stay if it's easier for them.

Is it unreasonable, no, but also neither is your viewpoint. He seems to be doing it about once a month and it's not scheduled. I dunno, difficult.

junebirthdaygirl · 02/11/2016 08:34

I would be more upset that he is out drinking so often. Bringing someone back is a result of the drinking. He probably means it when says he won't do it again but then drink takes over. Also l wouldn't get into a discussion with him when he arrives back with drink on. He is not going to be reasonable, you are wasting your energy and your ds will overhear. You could compromise by it being that one guy only. But l think your dhs problem is alcohol.

Milklollies · 02/11/2016 08:39

Maybe your husband is bi-curious and wants to try it on with the guy.

liquidrevolution · 02/11/2016 08:47

Have you tried locking them out?

I would do so under the circumstances.

viques · 02/11/2016 08:53

I think the elephant in the room is not the drunk friend on the sofa, it is that your husband has a problem with alcohol.

He needs to go out drinking rather than spend time with his child.

He cannot regulate his alcohol intake.

He does not see how his need for alcohol impacts your family life.

He is 'coping' with alcohol at work, but the fact that he is drinking with work colleagues means that everyone at work knows he drinks heavily, this WILL impact on his future career and advancement.

you do not say if he drives, but if he does it is only a matter of time before he is caught/ has an accident/ kills or injures someone else.

your husband needs help.

AuroraBora · 02/11/2016 09:01

Listen to what he's saying when he's drunk, his tongue will be looser and he will be more honest... No matter what he says the next morning he firmly believes that the flat is more his because he pays bills. And that is an issue!

expatinscotland · 02/11/2016 09:02

Your husband has a problem with alcohol in addition to being a selfish twat. YANBU. I couldn't live with someone who goes out drinking that often.

expatinscotland · 02/11/2016 09:04

'your husband needs help.'

And it is 100% his responsibility to recognise he has a problem and get help. I don't see that happening anytime soon.

Original poster
Tetley08 · 02/11/2016 10:06

He doesn't drive the next day, he gets the train to work.
I'm a little surprised so many people think he has a problem with alcohol. But this has been the norm in our relationship since the start. He goes out drinking more than what I mentioned in my first post, those were just the times he's brought this work friend back to our flat. Last weekend we had a date night arranged for the Friday evening, we were going out for a nice meal & then the cinema. I met him at the restaurant & he turned up really drunk, he'd been out drinking with his mates all afternoon (he booked the afternoon off work), he didn't tell me this, he just turned up really drunk and then fell straight asleep in the cinema. I have brought up his drinking before but because he doesn't drink everyday it's easy for him to brush aside any suggestion that he has a problem. This week he's out tonight at a work event where they'll be drinking a lot & he's out Friday night for a friends birthday, which again will be a heavy night drinking. He's said a few times 'I'll stop drinking for a month' but he's never made it past a 4 days or so. Do you think he needs professional help?

OP posts:
RiverTam · 02/11/2016 10:10

Yes, he does. And personally I would be inclined to tell him to leave the family home while (if) he sorts himself out. You and your DS do not have to live with a drunk who has checked out of family life.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 02/11/2016 10:20

I'd be worried about the "my house, I pay the bills, I can do what I want" comments.
He sees himself as the boss, not you. Why should he meet your requests?
YANBU.

FFTransform · 02/11/2016 10:25

As a pp said, it sounds like he is facilitating his drinking by giving his colleague a place to stay who would normally go home, a drunken decision

His is normal social life changing pattern, friends settling down, having kids, not going out so often or so late?

Is his heavy drinking beginning to look more of an anomaly compared to the people around him?

JuddNelsoninTheBreakfastClub · 02/11/2016 10:35

You are surprised that people think he has a problem with alcohol because this behaviour has been "normal " for you for so long. It is not normal. He does seem to be drinking excessively. Would he rather go out drinking than spend time with you and your DS? Does he use drinking as a stress reliever? Think someone needs to speak to him about it. My DH is the opposite, he hardly ever goes out drinking, neither do I. Are you left to watch DS on your own a lot whilst he is out drinking? There are lots to think about here OP, hope things improve Flowers

expatinscotland · 02/11/2016 15:35

Not normal. He drinks excessively. And tbh, he has to recognise that and own it. People can speak to him from now until the world ends, he'll brush it aside. But make no mistake, he's an alcoholic. YOU have to decide what you will do about it.

IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes · 02/11/2016 19:08

I had an ex who pulled this kind of immature selfish shit. One of the many reasons he's now an ex. I'd be telling him to sort out his drinking problem, grow up and fuck off. Not necessarily in that order. Is the kind of behaviour you want your son to grow up thinking is normal and one day model his relationships upon?

humblesims · 02/11/2016 19:14

he doesn't drink everyday
are you sure about that?

IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes · 02/11/2016 19:16

Also in the meantime i'd lock him out every time he goes out drinking so you and DS aren't woken up. Sounds like that's pretty much every night. Oh well sucks to be him!

Gottagetmoving · 02/11/2016 19:19

Your husband is acting like an immature single bloke.
What sort of idiot brings drunken men who his wife and child don't know back to their home in the middle of the night?
I wouldn't accept it if it was just him coming back at all hours blind drunk!
It would be lack it in or pack a case.

Gottagetmoving · 02/11/2016 19:20

Pack not lack...

MyGiddyUncle · 02/11/2016 19:24

Having a few too many on a work night and either crashing at someones house or bringing a pissed friend back to ours to crash on the sofa is something dh and I did when we were late teens/early 20's and had no responsibilities.

If dh did it now, with dc in the house, I would be fucking wild with rage.

Start locking the door from the inside when he goes out. Buy some good ear plugs for you and dc and ignore the fucker and his pissed mates.

baconandeggies · 02/11/2016 19:44

Problem drinkers don't have to drink every day... His poor inconsiderate behaviour and drinking go hand in hand though. Whether he thinks he has a problem is another matter. If not, then there's little you can do to change things, other than ask him to move out.

baconandeggies · 02/11/2016 19:48

Or he might just be an immature arse. It's totally unacceptable for him to make your home potentially unsafe and scary for your son though.

I had an ex who worked in a bar and came in drunk several nights a week after going out after work. He almost killed us all when he forgot about some cheese on toast under the grill Angry

LumpySpacedPrincess · 02/11/2016 20:43

So because he earns more he has more rights than you? That's just lovely. Start billing him for childcare then he may not be as rich as he thinks he is.

Does he value what you do?

Naicehamshop · 02/11/2016 20:57

YADNBU!!

He is selfish and immature, and yes - quite possibly does have a problem with alcohol.

Time for a very serious chat op.

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