AIBU to want to restrict my mother's-partner's access to my child?

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Back story – My parents separated 2 1/1 years ago. My father is not over it and is still very awkward about my relationship with my mother and can be paranoid etc (I know, he needs to grow up but he’s just not an emotionally strong person). He lives a ½ day’s travel from me so we don’t get to see each other often.
My DM lives 5 mins away from me, so we see each other a few times a week and are close. She has a new partner for over a year now who also lives close. He is not to my personal taste but he makes her happy and healthy so I am happy for her. However she can no longer seem to attend anything on her own (dinners, “pop over for a cup of tea”-ers, walks etc). There have been dinners etc before when my sisters and I have specifically asked DM not to invite her partner as we want just the family, not even our own husbands, and he would still pop up at some point in the night.

I am pregnant with the first grandchild. Obviously with my DM living so close she will get a lot more time with the child than my DF will, which is fine, however I am not comfortable with her partner being there all the time. I am concerned this will upset my DF.
I am concerned DM will take her partner along for the birth which I don’t want.
And I have also already planned for my DM to come on holiday with us (we are paying) at the end of next year to help us with our child while attending my DH’s family wedding and all of a sudden there is chat about him coming along too but we have never invited him. I feel (apart from not wanting to spend so much time with someone I don’t personally enjoy the company of) that going on holiday with him would outrageously upset my own DF.

AIBU to want to restrict his access to my child? If not, how do I go about having this conversation with my DM??

Thanks Matildathecat, I think that's a good way of working it out with my dad and how to talk to my mum about it.

I wouldn't want an awkward exchange between the BF and my Father

They are all adults and thats up to them to manage at the end of the day. Of course your Dad has to come to terms with his marriage breaking down but I dont think its helpful for you to refer to this as "needing to grow up." Because its nothing to do with growing up - its grieving for the end of a relationship he probably thought was for life, dealing with all the emotions associated with that. Its not just women who have emotions.

You do seem to have a bit of a mean attitude towards your Mums new partner to.

What do you mean by having him around whilst you figure out being a new mum?

I think when someone is in realationship you have to accept they often come as a pair now. It's ok to have girly days etc of course, or to not want him around immediately after the birth if you don't know him well and will feel uncomfortable whilst you're in the John Wayne stage but it would never occur to me to invite my dad to dinner/for a cuppa and not his partner really. Do you like her partner?

Discobabe - I mean that being a new mum is obviously a messy learning experience. My mother is obviously going to visit a lot and my DH and I are 100% comfortable with her so it's ok for her to see us we're having a bad day, but I would feel so uncomfortable him seeing us like that. He has made comments about us before that I wasn't happy with but never brought up as an issue.

I think you are going to need to be massively, epically clear with your Mum and her partner about this in relation to the birth, by talking to them when they are both there.
Like saying that you are going to be physically recovering and bonding with your new baby as a couple for the first week, so you will only be able to offer one half hour single visit each to anyone other than your DM in that time, specifically including her partner. You'll probably have to make some sort of firm but self-deprecating joke about 'how you're sure he has even less desire to see you bleeding with your boobs hanging out than you have to be seen in that state, anyway', or similar. Then keep repeating it.
Make it his responsibility to not turn up as well as your DMs to keep him away.

I see your point. It will be difficult for him and I agree with Matilda about getting your dad's input as to when he wants to visit. He takes equal priority with your mother, but has priority over her BF. I've never been in your situation, but I would certainly expect my mother to understand that if I were.

Thinking back many, many years ago my mother and MiL visited without my dad or FiL probably 70% of the time in the first few weeks after I'd given birth to offer support and help 'woman to woman', mucking in or listening to my fears (and complaints). When Dad or FiL came with them it was more of a low-key 'social call' with a takeaway or sandwiches and them cuddling the baby. They were part of a different generation I suppose, but neither Dad nor FiL really wanted to be around all the 'TMI' and postpartum stuff. Your mother's BF or your dad may not even want to be around during this time, but confine visits to easily managed pre-scheduled times.

Congratulations, by the way. I hope you're being able to enjoy this wonderful time in your life. Please remember that all of the people involved (Dad, Mum, BF) are adults and should be more concerned that you have a happy pregnancy than that they 'get what they want' as far as who visits whom when and where. You do have the right to say "I'm not dealing with this right now" if it gets to be too much.

Acrossthepond55 You're so lovely! Thank you for the advice.

My friend had this issue. Culminated in a big argument because the bf expected to be called grandad. I would suggest you lay the ground rules now. There is nothing wrong with treating the bf differently to your mum and dad and I'm sure your mum will understand.

It Was very strained for my friend but ten years later he is no longer in the picture and friends mum admits she was ott.

I spend time with my parents with and without dh - find it a bit odd when couples are expected to come as a unit!! It's not because my parents don't like him - it's just a different relationship- he's not their child!

Perhaps a diplomatic way to deal with this would be to actually invite him to something. Just to be clear that you aren't excluding him from everything, just that you need things on your terms. Someone I know gave their baby a welcome home party, just tea and Mr Kipling, but it meant that people weren't inviting themselves to the hospital. Perhaps you could have a day for dad and a different day for mum and partner.
I had my in laws visit at the hospital, so not a daft question, but I was in for bloody ages with baby being monitored, so its not like either of us were ill. (Also, I like my in laws. And they sorted out by themselves that they came on different evenings)
You need to be clear that you don't want to share leaky boobs with an unrelated man. Different once you get the hang of it.

theantiboob argh that is a worry I have, that if is don't lay down some rules just now there will end up being an argument.
My mother, who is very excited, has been trying to figure out what she wants to be called (granny, nana etc) and she has already slipped in a few times "oh what will bf be called?" I respond with "erm. His name" but she keeps saying it.

love51 I like that idea!

He has made comments about us before that I wasn't happy with

What sort of comments?

chuckgravestones we're a VERY laid back, no stress, things will get done when they get done, kind of couple. But are both hardworking. He has made comments like "oh you two will never get round to doing that" "I was surprised you were on time for a change" (I'm sometimes rubbish with time but never when I'm with my DH as he hates being late) "oh are you sure you'll cope with all that to do" "your mum will need to go round the house and clean before baby arrives"
He says it in a jokey way but in my opinion these are things that are ok for your family to say to you, but not someone you don't know well.

Maybe he's just trying too hard to fit in and overstepping the line a wee bit with the comments. From what you've said, he doesn't seem to be a bad man but I don't think it's unusual for adult children to be extremely cautious about their recently divorced parents new partners is it?

Your Mum seems to expect more of you than you're ready for regarding your relationship with him so maybe you could have a talk to her about boundaries. That you're happy to keep getting to know him better but that it will take time to consider him family (which is what she seems to want) and that can't be rushed.

fluffyfluffster you've absolutely nailed the situation. Feels so forced on me at at the moment.

I really feel for you Op as you shouldn't have to worry about crap like this when you're having your first baby (congrats by the way!!).

I think your Dad is a separate issue (& totally agree with a pp that distance doesn't affect the relationship if you don't let it, especially with FaceTime/ Skype etc) & actually the problem here is your mum forcing a relationship on you that you don't want / aren't ready for.

I wouldn't want to not be able to see my mum on her own, so I think you need to be clear with her & explain how you feel & also set clear ground rules regarding visiting soon after the birth & the holiday etc. Regarding what to call BF, again be clear that you expect baby to call him by his name, but should he / she decide to give him a 'special' name when they're old enough to speak, then you'll go with that (& depending on BFs actual name, it could be a very cute baby version of that!). Also, if he's still around when DC can talk, he'll have been around for a few years by then & your feelings may well be very different (as may your dad's).

Good luck with the pregnancy (& discussion with your mum!).

You need to have a chat with your mum, being careful not to over-state how you feel about things so she doesn't feel forced to take sides. But letting her know that her relating to you from a position where she's joined at the hip to her partner is not the same as if she was joined at the hip with your other parent. That while you want to welcome her BF into the family, it will never be like he was your dad - you will always want a certain amount of privacy, you will always want to honour your dad and respect his position as the GP and you will always want to have a mother-daughter relationship that doesn't involve him popping up every five minutes.

Also remember that if he is around long term then he WILL be a grandfather figure to your child. He will have been part of their lives from the start. And how awesome to have 5 grandparents who love you.

Be careful you're not cutting your nose off to spite your face here. There may be a point when NOT calling him grandad X or grandpa X etc might just be a bit weird.

Do you think the way he pops up all the time is controlling or your mum wants him there?

The comments are irksome, he is over-stepping the line and has no place to comment. It seems entitled of him and negative towards you. That is not how you fit in, that is how you assume a (judgemental) position which is not yours. How do you respond to these comments without coming across as defensive? And that your mum will have to come and clean before baby arrives? Two birds with one stone with that one - you for the house needing cleaned, in his opinion, and your mum being the assigned cleaner (she surely has better things to do!)

Sounds charming. I hope it is a rebound thing and your mum is not getting sucked into a controlling dynamic from him. Lots of good suggestions on this thread to be as clear as possible about your boundaries.

No its not in a controlling way, my mother is not someone who can be controlled!! I think it's more like someone else said in this thread, he's trying too hard to fit and and trying to sound like family when that's not what he is yet.

There are some good points in this tread and ill need to have a think about them all before approaching the matter.

Good point from potteringalong that he could end up being around long time. I guess I just have to explain that I will eventually class him as family i just need less pressure in doing that right now when my life if changing so dramatically.

Mmm I think Cocoa has nailed it there. Him trying to insert himself in every social gathering does sound a bit foreceful and controlling. Maybe your spidey senses are twitching for a reason.

Even very strong characters can be controlled.

Aye, maybe that isn't it here.

Is it your mum who is thick-skinned and pushy, alternatively? Is she prone to bossing you?

Bear in mind that if he does become a permanent fixture in your mums life it doesn't mean he will slide into the grandparent role. Mils bf is very kind and nice to the kids but he is not grandfatherly!

I would follow pp's advice and ask your mum to let the relationship grow organically and not force it

I gave birth in UK and 30 minutes before I gave birth the midwife announced that my Mum and her DP were in the waiting room of the delivery suite. A few minutes after giving birth the midwife asked if my DM could come in and both came in.

OP it sounds like your mum is trying to forcefully carve a place into the family for her DP. You will need to be clear that for you this is not the case and your child already has a grandfather and you have no intention of the baby calling him that. I wouldn't be surprised if once baby is here she starts addressing him as "Grandpa "

His "jokey" remarks would be way too over familiar at this stage for me so I would be worried about him not sticking to boundaries either. You need to be crystal clear with your mum. I actually feel really bad on your behalf as I know how stressful this was first time around.

If it weren't for my own rather forceful personality, my Mum would most certainly be this person - she just expects whatever she wants/feels to be OK with everyone else and rolls merrily on until someone says 'NO'

Other posters have it, you need to be explicit in your feelings (not your Dads, not hers, not DHs, YOURS). 'Mum, you P is not family to me yet and that really will come with time - I want you to be happy, but at the moment he is a stranger so I would prefer to build my own relationship with him in my own time. FYI, that time is not over the head of my newborn child which reallly should just be about us'