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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my family to help out occasionally?

25 replies

pollyanna · 11/02/2007 13:41

My dh thinks I am unreasonable (he says they are our children we have to deal with them blah blah blah).

By way of background, I moved into the same city as my mother and her partner (both early 50s and v active)in August last year. I have 4 children and a part time job and am pretty run off my feet most of the time. Since I moved here, my mum has not once said that she would watch some or all of the children while I go off with dh for a coffee/lunch/to do our jobs etc. She frequently says that I look tired. She knows that we spend most of our weekends running around from music to ballet to football and fitting in jobs in between. I can't believe that she doesn't realise that I might need a break from my bloody children just once in 6 months (dh is v good about sending me off, but I would like some time with him maybe).

When we ask if we can just pop out for a bit (usually to do something dull like go to Wickes, which is hell with children), she asks us to be back in a very quick time, making it clear that she is doing us a massive favour.

The flip side is that she just turns up at my house unnannounced and lets herself in (she has acquired keys somehow). She usually arrives at dinner time, sits and drinks tea and then leaves as I start bathtime.

grr sorry this is a bit of a rant. I know that I am unreasonable - they are my children etc etc, but I am disappointed as I thought a move to the same city as her would mean I got some more help, instead it just means that she pops in to see the children when she wants while sitting and commenting that I could do with a cleaner and I look knackered.
.

OP posts:
Carmenere · 11/02/2007 13:43

Well they do say that is the good thing about being a grandparent.......
Have you asked her to actually look after them on an evening so you guys could go out for dinner, on Wednesday for example?

edam · 11/02/2007 13:44

Ask her. She may not realise all on her own. Next time she says how tired you look, say: 'Well, running around after all the kids is tiring. It would be nice to get a break occasionally. Are you free , by any chance?'

Lazylou · 11/02/2007 13:49

I understand all too well, how you are feeling.

DH and I live pretty close to my parents and at first they were great when we asked them to have DD but over the last few months, they rarely have her, are put out when asked and when they do have her, they huff and puff so much that we feel bad and come home early to collect her.

MIL lives quite a distance away, so we can't always rely on her (although she could make an effort if she really wanted to). DH and I never see each other anymore and it gets me down.

So no, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Yes they are your kids, but just because you have kids, doesn't mean your life is over. We all need a break from time to time, surely your mum and her partner will recognise that. Maybe try talking to them about how you feel?

noddyholder · 11/02/2007 13:50

God some parents are just useless!Mine are the same My mum never sees ds although he went there over xmas for a couple of days and she rang me non stop while he was there saying she thought he was bored etc and in the end he came home early!Did you maqnage to get a nanny/mothers help?If you need a baysitter let me know I can handle 4 monsters when I know they can go back!Seriously if you fancy a night out don't worry about asking!How is your health?That can't help.I have been a bit of an old crock lately

franca70 · 11/02/2007 13:51

you are not being unreasonable.

strongteabag · 11/02/2007 13:54

No advice but I do know partly how you feel. When you are expecting a child people promise you this and that but often it never happens.

Sometimes people are tunnel-visioned. Maybe you come across as someone who always copes, likes to cope alone and your Mother just doesn't think to ask if you want help.

I would be blunt and lay the cards on the table. I did the same with my Mother only last week. (in a different situation) I sent her a simple text message saying

'You haven't been to see DS3 since he was born and he is 3 months old now.'

Suprisingly she responded and set a date to come and visit.

Your DH is right, the children are your responsibility but if she gets all the good bits then maybe she should say yes if you ask her in simple English for some help.

Original poster
pollyanna · 11/02/2007 13:58

Noddy yes, the mothers help just does the hours when I am at work.

My health isn't brilliant atm - I have got the appointment at the hospital on the 27th, so I will see what it holds (my mum says I am imagining it, because her clairvoyant says it is all in my head ). How are you feeling now Noddy?

We have asked her to have the children a couple of times, and she has either said no, or just asked us to be back very quickly. I don't feel that I can ask her again tbh. I am just getting more and more resentful when she turns up at my house, or (as she did yesterday) phones to tell me what a lazy day she had.

OP posts:
VioletBaudelaire · 11/02/2007 13:59

I would insist on your mother returning your house keys - particularly as you don't know how she acquired them.
I agree that you need to be blunt with regard to her babysitting etc. If she still doesn't help out, then you'll just have to accept it.
Perhaps you could cut back on the children's activities at the weekend so you all get some calm and relaxed family time?

Original poster
pollyanna · 11/02/2007 13:59

strongteabag, my mother is very hard to confront - she has the martyrship act down to a tee!

I might say something though when I am feeling more calm about it.

OP posts:
cardy · 11/02/2007 14:01

I think you have to explain how you feel and ask her. Give her the benefit of the doubt at first she just may nor realise. In fact she my think that you don't want her to interfer.

However if nothing changes or she doesn't offer help it may just be that she thinks that you children and your responsibilty and she wants only the 'nice' bits of grandparenting.

noddyholder · 11/02/2007 14:02

Let me know if you need a night out Seriously.My health is crappy too but I am used to that Stress is getting to me atm too.My mum is like yours I had cancer 5 yrs ago and didn't tell anyone bar dp and my sister and when my mum found out I told her exactly what I had had and she said Don't be ridiculous!She has never mentioned it since Weird generation I hope you get good news on the 27th xx

Original poster
pollyanna · 11/02/2007 14:25

Thanks Noddy - I have a babysitter for the evenings (just not much energy then ) - perhaps we should both escape and down a bottle of something ).

OP posts:
noddyholder · 11/02/2007 14:28

Pollyanna sounds a good idea Let me know when!

MrsGordonRamsay · 11/02/2007 14:29

You need to "lose" your keys.

The change the locks.

Job done.

MrsGordonRamsay · 11/02/2007 14:30

Then.

Catbabymummy · 11/02/2007 14:55

Or next time she's over, get the keys off her - tell her you need them to give to the plumber who's coming round when you or dh is not there?

vincettenoir · 10/10/2019 03:32

I totally get your disappointment and I would feel the same in those circumstances. However it’s not mandated that your mum should offer to provide childcare.

covetingthepreciousthings · 10/10/2019 04:07

@vincettenoir how did you manage to post on a 10+ year old thread?

I wonder if OPs parents ever helped in the end!

LellyMcKelly · 10/10/2019 06:23

If she shows up unannounced give her jobs to do - Hand her the little one and say, ‘here mum, run up an give DS a quick bath’. Pop up the ironing board and tell her to do a bit of ironing while you get the dinner on. It’s reasonable to ask for that sort of help when you have 4 kids. I’m more on the fence when it comes to babysitting. If be horrified by the thought of looking after 4 kids while their parents were out.

Thehop · 10/10/2019 06:24

YANBU, it would be amazing if she’d help.

I sympathise, my DM wouldn’t even have my children on my wedding night never mind any other time 😂

Thehop · 10/10/2019 06:25

But was happy to ‘visit’ every night and stink my house out with smokers clothes and sit on her phone before eating and leaving.

NoSauce · 10/10/2019 06:32

ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE

Thread is 12 years old Hmm

Sweetpea55 · 10/10/2019 06:33

OP. Maybe your mum finds it difficult to look after 4 kids all at the same time.
It's not always about energy and how fit you are. It's about mental stamina too.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 10/10/2019 06:36

I thought the answers were a bit strange. Perhaps 12 years ago the word entitled wasnt used as much.

DeathStare · 10/10/2019 06:54

I suspect the problem has probably been solved by the children growing up and leaving home.

i wonder if pollyanna and noddyholder ever did get their night out?

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