AIBU to spend £3k on a headstone?

[carnation2531]

Posting this from bed as I'm lying here worrying!

My mum passed away in January and I saved £1500 for her headstone from inheritance. I have now found a lovely stonemasons who do hand carved bespoke headstones but I spoke to them and they said the average price is £3-4k!! Obviously it was going to be expensive, should've thought of that before.
I do have £1500 left from my share of the inheritance, and not going to ask my sister to contribute from her share. Family telling me to ask my (quite well off) gran (maternal) who didn't contribute anything to the funeral. This would feel very awkward to me as if she wanted to contribute she would say, surely?
Then I have to think about VAT which the company said was on top, and the cemetery fee for the council...

Should I go through any means possible to get this headstone or AIBU and get a normal one like everyone else? Let me know if any more info needed - early morning and head all over the place!

You are working through grief atm, and this is about guilt and grief.

You feel guilty so you want to spend a huge amount on a headstone which has no effect on her at all - she's dead and doesn't know - but will act as a huge "See! I did care really" to the rest of the world.

You would not be doing it for her, this is not something, let alone the last thing, you are doing for her.

Either don't do it at all ever, or at least don't do it yet.

I wouldn't get one at all. We didn't get a headstone for my DD and won't be getting one for my mum when the time comes. Dad felt very strongly that they were an unnecessary expense and he would have failed as a father if we needed a stone in order to remember him with love. He also didn't want to become a burden whose stone would have to be visited and maintained.

However in your case, it seems really important to you to mark your DM in this way and if you can do that within your own budget, that seems like the best plan.

I'm so sorry for your loss and for the very sad circumstances of it as well.

I think only you can decide what to do here. But either choice is OK. Don't be swayed by people telling you to do it or not. I really mean that. It's about what you need right now, and it's an entirely personal decision. There's no right or wrong answer.

Really shocked at the behaviour of your grandmother. I think I'd be tempted to get in touch and ask if she wants to contribute. Grief can do strange things to people and they can behave in really odd ways - perhaps she now regrets how she acted. Or maybe she doesn't!! Either way, it might help you to decide not only what to do about the headstone, but in your future relationship with her.

Glad you are seeing a counsellor. It sounds like you've been through a lot.

Bless you, i lost my mum when i was 20 too, and it's bloody horrible. My mum insisted on being cremated, but I did get a heart shaped headstone to put in our backyard so i had somewhere to put flowers and remember her, and we still have her ashes. (I'm dead set against scattering, feels like throwing her away and i couldn't ever get her back)
Honestly i think the words on the stone matter more than the shape, and we actually had to alter wording for it to fit right on the stone with how sentences and lines were spaced due to the shape.
I also completely understand the guilt of feeling you didn't do enough at the end, due to my own MH issues i couldn't visit my mum in the hospice as i was virtually house bound. I made it out for about an hour the day before she died in the early hours, but the sheer shock of the fact she was in her final hours and how much pain she was in writhing around moaning I didn't spend that much time in the room with her, mostly i was sat outside in floods of tears falling apart completely unable to handle was was happening.
Personally i would look around local stonemasons and see if they do anything bespoke or could make alterations to a standard stock shape. I've seen plenty of stone shapes i like better than he one we got, but i still love the one we have because it was for her, with words chosen about her, and that's all that matters.

£3K is a lot, although head stones are expensive. Try and stick to your budget if you can - don't put yourself under pressure to buy 'the best' because you feel a sense of duty to do so. I know it's so hard though. I remember my Mum saving for a year to pay for a head stone.

It's also about what you and the family want. For some people it helps to have a symbol there. Others are happy with a small plaque or a tree. What's going to help you and your family? Go with that.

Thank you for posting that web address OP. I hope you are able to find what you're looking for. It's down to what you want really, you have years ahead of visiting.

You'll absolutely get a lovely one for that amount of money. We went for a small local stonemason and it was something a little unique too.

The wording will mean so much, so have a think what you'd like to say. It could mean something to you both. We chose a saying that was always wrote in cards to us.

My feeling was that it's going to be there for years to come and I want to be able to visit it and be happy I did the best I could for her, and be happy when I see it, not one that I could afford at 21 and think 'What a shame' that I didn't get the one I wanted. But maybe I'm being selfish...

You could also give the stonemasons your budget and ask if there's anything they could do within that.

I think this is definitely worth a try, maybe they could do a smaller/simpler version of their usual offering.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want the best you can stretch to, everyone grieves and pays tribute to their loved ones in different ways and I can see how a beautiful and unique headstone would be a comfort in years to come.

I have visited graveyards in Switzerland which are so beautiful as everyone seems to have lovely personalised headstones/sculptures and each grave is like a mini garden which is nicely maintained and more like a little shrine. I can see how this would be a lot more of a pleasant place to come and visit and remember loved ones than your typical 'creepy' graveyard with wonky lichen-covered tombstones. I think I saw similar pretty graveyards in France so perhaps it's a continental European thing.

Sorry for your loss

would your Mum care OP? please, don't get into debt and stress.

Or maybe save up. We have the wooden cross and that will do us a for while on my dads grave .

what would your Mum though, only you know

Sorry for your loss, OP.

Have you considered natural burial grounds / arrangments?

They often have very modest stones / trees / plaques which are in keeping with nature.

They are also not usually money orientated? (at least the one near me isn't)

So sorry for your loss, I would look around a bit more, it does seem a lot to spend. Hopefully this won't be something that happens to you, but my Dad's gravestone was smashed at the base by vandals this year, causing it to fall to the ground. The cemetery/council were not able to claim for it on their insurance, so it was down to my mum to pay for the repairs. Might be worth considering whether your cemetery would cover any accidental damage/vandalism.

I don't know where you are OP but I'm using Scott's in he north east for DM headstone and the prices are nowhere near what you are looking at.

My mum paid £1500 for Dad's headstone in 2011. It is expensive granite, but because they kept the edge as rough stone, & the back unpolished, although ground smooth, it was much less costly.

She wasn't trying to save money particularly, just chose the style that she liked. It looks lovely & I'm sure he would have liked it.

I would shop around. Just had a family bereavement, very nice local firm did a stone which looks very nice and nowhere near that price. It's not going to be a choice between 3 k and no headstone at all.

In my opinion the key thing about a headstone is that it is on a stone that will last (stay readable) like Yorkshire granite not my local Sandstone (or whatever) that is unreadable in less than 50 years.
£1500 is far too much. DH is spending nothing like that for his very much loved departed Father.
If you talk to the local cemetery they may well have contacts with local firms who do a good job.

Spending money on her grave won't make her a perfect mother or fix your family.

Hi Carnation

Sorry for your loss lovely

I'm not sure how long ago the funeral was, but if recent the ground has to settle so you can't put a stone done for at least 6 months I think.

Also remember whatever stone you do now can always be replaced at a later date, if and when you can afford it. A counsellor will ask you who is the expensive stone for you or your mum? At the moment it's you lovely and you know this already.

Get some counselling hours under your belt and see how you feel after Xmas, you need time to grieve
You don't have to make a decision now, as regards your sister don't discount her from the process as even a tennor is still a contribution, maybe give her a heads up to put a bit away if she can.

Take care of you

I would give yourself some time to think about it. Having been through a similar experience very recently I know that grief can affect your decision making in unexpected ways.