**Trigger Warning** Baby loss. Title changed by Mumsnet."To think that a massively traumatic event DOES affect the rest of your life?"

[Hedgehog80]

Because apparently some people think I "should have got over it by now" , "it's in the past" and the worst comment "oh you're never going to let me forget it are you ???" Said by DM (who was responsible)

Nearly 16 years ago, aged 18 I was forced to have a second trimester termination. I don't think I'll ever get over it. I've posted about it before as find it very hard in rl to articulate my feelings or find anyone other than dh or my counsellor to speak to.

Every November I nosedive into depression. DM is never sympathetic and cannot understand that it has affected my life since then and will probably continue to do so forever. A 'sweep it under the carpet' attitude. No acknowledging my pain or loss

I'm not BU am I to believe that such a traumatic event stays with you always and shapes who you are ? I feel like I was so young and somehow it did something to me, affected my mind in some awful way and it can't recover from that horrific trauma? Or am I wrong? If Iam when does that point come where I will feel better ?

Am I U ? I don't know. It's 1st November tomorrow and I hate November. I needed to talk i think that's all. Type it out, get it all out. Somehow it makes me feel like that poor poor beautiful child is still remembered, still thought about and written about but I wish it was in a better way than this

I'm not a therapist, but what stands out from your posts (and I remember you from other threads as well) is how little support your mum gave you. People are able to get over the most horrific life events if they get the right support. But your mum refusing to talk about it or accept her part in it means that you'e still kind of locked there, in the past, hoping that she'll help you. Because that's what you needed her to do. By failing you then she kind of made part of you stay there, almost still waiting for her to help you.

I also think that the people who accepted your signature are also partly to blame. They should have seen that this wasn't what you wanted, that you needed support. Your mother clearly forced you into this and used a number of controlling techniques. Do you still want her around? Maybe you could use this November to give yourself a break from her. Would you like to tell her that during November you allow yourself to grieve and that involves talking about your child?

Hedgehog80 Yes your absolutely right this time of year is a sod for depressive behaviours . A friend of mind worked in a mental health department and told me that each year with the onset of GMT time there was a rise in admissions simply due to changing light levels!

But i suppose your aware of that it can be helped usually by light therapy ask your GP perhaps? It won't undo what was inflicted all those years ago but it might help a bit?.

Maybe I fight it too much. Perhaps I need to feel it an break down each time and cry and actually feel it properly because at the time I didnt

I think this is true. Be kind to yourself.

So sorry you had such an awful time hedge

Can I ask (obviously it's none of my business) but did the clinic, nurses and doctors not speak to you by yourself and ask if you did actually want to go ahead with an abortion? How awful you felt so helpless and not in control of your own life. Your "dm" should be ashamed

To think that a massively traumatic event DOES affect the rest of your life? I think it depends on what the trauma is and how strong the individual is.

With the right support it would be hope the person could come to terms with what happened and move on with their lives, for their sake but also that of their families.

You should never forget what has happened, but it shouldn't effect your day-to-day living, decision making or choices.

I had a couple of counselling sessions and I said that my mum was pressuring me
The first time I went I panicked, got upset and the counsellor was called down and they wouldn't go ahead and I left hospital

DM went mad. She was evil to me and said I'd have to leave then she did not speak a word to me for 4 days till I phoned and rebooked it
The second time I went I was still obviously upset but it went ahead despite me pretending to have an asthma attack and migraine as I thought if there was a medical reason they couldn't do an anaesthetic they wouldn't and then DM couldn't be cruel to me as it wouldn't have been me saying I couldn't do it

Sorry for your terrible experience. Truly awful.

Do you have a way of remembering your baby? A special place you can go? some way to express the love you have for your child? perhaps this is something you could discuss with a counsellor.

This makes me so sad. A parent should support their child no matter what. You did absolutely nothing wrong in getting pregnant, and your mother should have respected what you wanted, not forced you to terminate. The "I thought it was best for you" attitude is a load of BS, and damn right she shouldn't ever be allowed to forget the pain and long term suffering she's forced you to go through! How people like that can sleep at night and honestly think they're innocent is beyond me.

You are not being unreasonable,but you do need some help.

I had a termination in 2005,and I only forgave myself in 2014. For those 9 years I hated myself and couldn't cope. I had depression about the whole thing, and the annual dates made me worse every year.

I found an online community which was non-judgemental and supportive, where I told my story, sobbed it out and finally started not to hate myself any more. I'd had CBT and counselling for years, but nothing was as cathartic and kind as that forum.

So my advice to you is to seek support, because you are not alone. You can feel better. You can make changes that mean you can get on with your life, and you don't spend all your waking hours wishing and hating. It doesn't take away what happened, but it can make life more bearable.

Best wishes OP, I can't imagine the pain you're in.

I'm hesitant about writing this, because it could be more than you're ready to hear, but here goes.
Your mother killed your baby. I would cut her off and focus on grieving both your lost child and the loving mother you never had.
She sounds genuinely evil. And abusive.
Coercive control is now a crime - I don't imagine it could be retrospectively prosecuted, but it might help to understand how appalling what she did was.

I was bullied into having a termination at a young age. I found it very hard to forgive myself, and wished I had had the strength to stand up for myself. I really struggled with finding a way to make amends for it, and what helped me, was sponsoring a child. I felt that committing to a child in need meant that something positive could come out of an awful experience. It was over 20 years ago now, but I still think of that baby sometimes. I guess I don't want to fully get over it, because that feels unfair to the lost baby, but at the small time, I don't want it to negatively affect those around me. I do feel for you though, it sounds like a hideous thing to go through.

It's always there and always painful but seeing how DM is towards dsis and her first pregnancy has made it unbearable this year
The realisation that my own mother did this and treats two daughters so differently breaks my heart. My own mother does not care about me or love me
I knew it already and before that there had been incidents but suddenly I feel so lost and so unsure of myself almost a case of if my own mother doesn't love me what does that make me ?

Dh and dcs love me though I know that. Dh spends every evening and into the early hours most nights talking to me, comforting me and I cry and cry about so many things. I feel guilty for putting all the stress onto him though

Maybe now is the time to direct the stress towards professionals. You can often self-refer for counselling on the NHS, but you could talk to your GP about this first.

Bloody hell hedgehog. I've had a second trimester termination but under very different circumstances. Ours was because dd2 was going to die anyway. I have found mine traumatic enough and I was well supported at the time and was allowed to grieve properly.

I cannot find the words to express my horror at your story and my sympathy for you.

It will stay with you forever, I've been through a few traumatic experiences, including my tfmr. Every one stays with me and I had just accepted that this is how my life is.

💐 For you

Thankyou kitty Iam so sorry you have been through something so dreadful. I know what you mean about the feeling that it's just something that stays with you forever. Maybe I need to accept that too. It's just so hard when even moments of happiness I still feel like I'm just looking in at someone else's life as that part of me is forever that terrified 18 year old

It's just so so difficult to process in itself but the added trauma that my own mother did it makes me feel so much less of a person as I question why she hates me?

I think from the moment I was born she hated me. She has said things admittedly in a 'jokey' way that I was trouble and cried a lot and that she had to have her cat put down soon after I was born and dsis makes comments like 'animals know' and 'animals can sense evil' in a jokey way but still directed at me as if somehow I'm evil

Aged 14 and depressed I refused school and one day caught a sickness bug. I was so ill and DM shouted at me it was "the poison coming out" she shut her door and left me all night terribly ill and I felt so unloved
I keep wondering what did I do wrong. Dsis was treated like a princess

Hedgehog I just want to give you a huge hug right now. That poor 14/18 yo you. I literally cannot imagine the state of mind that leaves you in. I absolutely recognise that feeling of looking in on your life. I still get that sometimes, I look at my life (and I'm very lucky to have a good life) and think 'how the hell did that happen'

Sounds like cutting contact or cutting it right back, with your mum might be the healthiest option for you

Hedgehog, I can't imagine how hard it must be to deal with the loss of a child, but I do know what it's like to have a mother who doesn't care. The only solution I've found is to stay well away - I haven't spoken to her in 5 years and my mental health is so much better because of it. I still miss her - she is my mother, after all - but I've had to accept that she doesn't love me the way I need her to, and I can't change that.

Bottling up the emotions doesn't do you any good - it might be worth finding a safe space, like therapy, where you can just allow yourself to feel what you're feeling. There's nothing wrong with you, there's no timescale for grief, you move on when you're ready, not when someone else decides you should.

OP your comment that you can't really open up your feelings in case they are so bad you have a heart attack, really resonated with me.

Your brain is telling you that it is too dangerous to feel what you need to. The thing is that almost all therapists would agree that you do need to let those feelings loose in order to heal. You need to find a safe space, maybe a new therapist and somehow get to the point you can let out these emotions. If you can get through the fear to the other side then the release is like nothing I had ever experienced before.

I thought it might kill me too....but actually I just found myself in a kinder more joyful world.

You deserve to find that peace too.

We are all different and not everyone responds the same. Will you ever get over your trauma, I don't know but from what you've written, there's still a lot that can be done which could help you. You say you've forgiven yourself and you may have moved on a million miles from where you were but it sounds like you went as far as you were comfortable with and sadly in your case it wasn't far enough.

Your fear of not surviving an emotional in depth probe of your past is what's denying you the opportunity to make peace with it.

I'm not sure because

Op this is honestly one of the saddest posts I have ever read on here,I am so sorry you had to go through this. I also had a forced termination when I was 19. my dm told me she would kill herself if I had the baby and as she had mh issues I felt too guilty to go against her. I was treated horribly by the doctor performing the abortion (it was a d&c one) and it has never been spoken of again. In hindsight I don't regret the actual abortion,more the way I was treated by my family. It also left me with a medical condition which made carrying further children very difficult although luckily I do now have dc.
I also find certain things triggering,it was a lovely sunny day when I had mine done and I loath summer now. I also resent dh as he gave me no support whatever (we have recently seperated and one of the issues was his refusal to discuss our losses)
I hope that counselling will in time enable you to find a way to live with this loss more easily.

Termination is not without its adverse sequels. I was around when the act first came in and required to assess whether people qualified under the act.

One very clear thing came across to me and that is that there were very few women who kissed goodbye to their pregnancies without a backward glance; and a remarkable number reappeared pregnant a few months later.

It is not the simple solution that many seem to think.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You write beautifully and i feel your pain coming through so clearly. I hope you can find a way to feel better.

A tree would be an idea I'd think about. We have our own garden so could do but I feel a huge sense of sadness about that sort of thing as I did once plant bluebells (in dms garden) so that every year they would bloom but DM dug them all up and it broke my heart all over again.

I think everything is just so heightened at this time of year and the sense of injustice surrounding the treatment of dsis' first pregnancy cuts so deep

I am so sorry for what happened to you. I have read your posts with a mounting sense of horror at what happened to you and rage on your behalf as well.

What happened was not your fault. Your mother behaved appallingly and apparently continues to do so.

I am another one who thinks counselling might help you to gain peace. And perhaps also to walk away from someone who seems to cause you nothing but pain.

Once again, I am so, so sorry for your terrible experience.