To think parents shd prioritise existing children in a second marriage?

[Clara101]

Sometimes this happens... Often it doesn't...

AIBU to think any parent shd prioritise the needs of existing children if they (re)marry. And anyone who marries a parent shd expect their partner to do just that, so they can't always come first in the way they would have done had kids not already been on the scene?

Or is this too simplistic and a life partner always needs to come first before kids - whether previous or shared? (NB I'm not talking abt prioritising existing kids over kids from a second/subsequent marriage. Obviously all children shd be treated equally.)

I've seen my two parents follow these two different strategies over many years and believe that the first leads to greatest happiness all round over the long term. Do others find this too or not? AIBU to be cross with the parent who took the second strategy? Interested in perspectives fm parents who have remarried..!

Carefreeee. I don't think people are talking about being the pinnacle of existence to satisfy every single need for their child. What you are describing are perfectly normal activities: Staying with relatives from time to time and getting children to play autonomously. I wouldn't treat my dd in the way my mother treated and continues to treat me. If dh and I split or if he died, I don't know if I'd have another relationship but I'd be darn sure that my dd and his child(ren) were very much loved and cared for. If some people choose not to be in a relationship because they haven't found someone, who holds such view, surely that's their choice?

I think ranking the importance of various family members is artificial, unnecessary and doomed.

You do not have the same relationship with your DC as you do with a spouse/partner (whether it's your 1st, 2nd or umpteenth).

Not do you have the same relationship with small DC as you do with teens.

So you evolve, ideally loving everyone and making sure everyone's needs are met or if (they really cannot be) you are as fair and as kind as possible.

Harder for step-parents of course, because they walk into the middle of the story, without the history of little adjustments that knit nuclear (for want of a better term) families together. Plus the complication that some members of the family might have more than one home.

I think it only makes it worse if you think in terms of priorities and who comes first. Whatever sort of family set up you have.

Sure, but what's going on in all these failed first marriages? Are they all breaking down because of abuse or addiction? I don't think so. I suspect it's because people can't cope with the inevitable marital lows precipitated by life with small children. Five years down the line they discover they've traded one set of problems for another, and they have to reconcile households with a pool of children having 4, 5 or more different parents.

That seems like a big generalisation. All I can say is that while I know personally one blended family that maybe fits with your theory, I know many others that definitely don't.

Mummyoflittledragon That must have been difficult. Especially as it was your home with your father too.

Its taken me to 40 to see how wrong my mum is. I no longer have an address or phone number for my Dad and I never hear from him.

Recently separated and I'm determined that my DC are put right in the centre of my life and never doubt their importance. A bit of making up to do after a bad year.

I guess getting back to the OP, I don't know the rights of wrongs, but I really can't see me ever wanting to share my time or their lives as children with someone who doesn't live them like I do.

I also can't see helping them get through separation to then introduce a whole different family set up again. But I guess there are others here saying they've made a success of it

love not live

Thanks for your words fucking. I couldn't think of anything positive to say when I read that you lost touch with your dad - because of his crappy behaviour. I find the whole situation very sad. People, who are supposed to be there for us aren't.

I think all kids should come first when the time calls for it, doesn't matter if they were first or last too pop out.

All kids are precious and how dare anyone say that a certain child should be prioritised.

kids also come before relationships BUT just because you prioritise them doesnt mean the relationship shouldnt be a priority too , and there needs too be an equal balance.

I can't ever imagine generally prioritising any relationship over my children (my DH included)

I am from a family where both parents remarried and that involved step siblings on both sides. From a very young age I always knew that this was something I wouldn't ever want for my children and I still stand by that.

In a nuclear family responsible parents consider their existing children when considering adding another child. Things like finances, no. of bedrooms, working hours etc. What sometimes happens with the NRP (which is usually the DF) is that he compartmentalizes that family into EOW and seems to then view them as a burden rather than a duty. Hence they can afford holidays for the "second" children but not the first. On step parenting there is often a resentment that maintenance is paid to the "firsts" as it means that that is money taken away from the "seconds", but that is what usually tends to happen in a nuclear family!

Blended families are extremely tricky.

I can't think of any I know that really work.

Yes, really parents should. Generally, if they don't their relationship with their DC suffers, but it is the DC who miss out most.

Someone I am close to has had this experience and it don't work out well for any of them. Her parents divorced when she was about 6 and her brother 4. Several years later her mum remarried a nice man and they went on to have their own children too. She sees her SF as more of a father than her real father, they are very close and he loves her very much.

Her dad, on the other hand, met and married another woman when she was 8. He definitely prioritised this relationship over that with his children and contact was quite off-and-on. If it didn't fit in with plans with his new wife, then the DC got cancelled on etc. He was nice enough when he was around, but pretty disinterested. Step mum also pleasant enough when she saw them, but made little effort to form any real bond and cousin always felt she was tolerated rather than wanted.

However, some time later it emerged that her dad and SM weren't going to have children of their own and suddenly SM was desperate to develop a different relationship with her and her brother, as she really wanted some sort of "parental" role. The perception from the children was that dad was keen to facilitate this, rather than suddenly developing a desire to be closer them. He pushed for more weekends and overnight visits. Problem was, neither of his children wanted that anymore and they were in early/mid-teens so couldn't be forced. He and SM then tried to push for change to custody arrangements (even though they didn't live very close by), which they didn't get. I know that this caused a great deal of upset to the children as they felt that dad and SM were trying to force things on them and caused uncertainty for them, it damaged an all ready fragile relationship still further. I know it upset her dad and SM too, as they felt rejected, but they could have had a good relationship if they had prioritised the children in the first place so only have themselves to blame.

Now cousin has DC of her own and her dad and SM want to play happy families and SM in particular is desperate to be "grandma", but really struggles to understand that she doesn't have that role because she doesn't have a good relationship with her step-daughter. Her dad and SM have expressed anger because her step-dad is close to her children. It is sad in some ways, but her dad threw away his relationship with his children and SM failed to realise that as a step-parent you earn your relationship with a step-child.

As an existing child with brother from my dads marriage, who had custody of us, he then married a narcissistic nightmare with her own 2 daughters and they then had 1 together.

She hated our existence. We were first sent to live with our grandparents. Then when they were too old we went back to my dad.... she put up with us for a year or so. Brother chucked out and put in a flat at 17. Me put into care at 13.

After 20 years he saw the light and divorced her, and now slags her off and her problems big time.

Too late matey. You saw your daughter GO INTO CARE, and still stayed. I will never forgive him for that.