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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Unreasonable SiL?

47 replies

Harrison01 · 31/10/2016 06:46

I have a SIL who I visited yesterday (let's call her Marge). My other SIL (let's call her Betty) has been seriously ill and took an overdose. She is seeing a therapist. Betty has 4 kids. When she took the overdose, or shortly thereafter she had a massive row with two of her kids who went running to Marge (who also has 4 kids). Fast forward to yesterday: I was talking to Marge's daughter about a cake that Betty's daughter had made for her sister's birthday. Betty's daughter has just finished uni, and is kinda still a student. Marge's daughter asked if I wanted a slice. I did not. I was v full from an earlier meal. I made a jokey remark about Betty's daughter having "best intentions" about making a cake being a student and all (it was actually a lovely looking cake). The convo moved on. A few mins later, rather randomly, Marge pipes up and says "that was a really mean spirited remark, very mean spirited". At first, I didn't know what she meant. Then she said it was what I said about the cake, even her own daughter said "I don't think she meant it like that". I love all my nieces and nephews. Never said anything ill-intentioned about any of them. I got up and told hubby I was waiting in the car. Thing is, she's said really nasty stuff about my food and the pronunciation of my foreign name in the past, I've never taken offence. She said stuff about her own mother on the same visit to her brother which was pretty mean-spirited. I'm not sure why she's taken offence over something so trivial. She did something similar because I dared to wish Betty a happy Christmas one year when she had fallen out with her. The other thing that really upsets me is that my husband didn't say anything to her. I think this condones her bullying behaviour. Really cross with both of them. I actually went over there to tell her we were expecting our second baby and that she was going to be an aunt. Instead I left in tears. Aibu about my SIL's actions? Aibu about expecting my husband to get down off the fence and call her up on her behaviour?

OP posts:

GettingMuckyFingersCrossed · 31/10/2016 07:55

Apologise and move on

DonaldStott · 31/10/2016 07:56

Thr comment you made sounded really patronising. If you keep quiet while taking offence at something your sil has said, that is your own problem, but if someone had made the comment you made, I would say it was uncalled for.

kipkipkip · 31/10/2016 07:58

There seems to be a lot of unnecessary extra information in your OP. The comment about the cake seemed a bit bitchy though.

RebootYourEngine · 31/10/2016 08:06

Your comment was rude and didnt even make sense.

Your niece made a cake for her sisters birthday. Whats her being a student got to do with it?

Gazelda · 31/10/2016 08:11

I'm not sure what you meant by your comment. But I can't see any way it could have been meant as a compliment. Maybe everyone there misunderstood your sentiment too? Which was why your SIL thought it was mean and told you so?

And I really can't see any bullying going from what you have posted.

There's obviously a lot of back story, and I feel a bit sorry for your DH who is probably caught up in the middle of all this and just trying to do his best by

his pregnant wife
His Sis who is/has been very ill
His 4 nieces who have been through a horrid experience
His Sis who has taken at least 2 of her nieces under her wing alongside her own 4 kids.

mineallmine · 31/10/2016 08:16

Why all the background information? It's in no way relevant to the nasty comment you made about the cake. I can't understand why you made that comment and in what way you think it's funny. It was mean spirited so just apologise and move on.

diddl · 31/10/2016 08:25

So you made a nasty remark about the daughter's cake because the mother has pissed you off in the past?

A simple "no thank you" would have done!

SpunkyMummy · 31/10/2016 08:26

best intentions" about making a cake being a student and all

What??

That's so ambiguous... I think yabu.

SpunkyMummy · 31/10/2016 08:27

Eat the cake or shut up, op.

What were you trying to say?!

MorrisZapp · 31/10/2016 08:29

Blimey. You flounced to the car? Who has the energy for this crap.

SpringerS · 31/10/2016 08:33

Your comment was super bitchy and I'd have called you out on it too. Especially as the butt of your bitchiness was a very young woman who has been through a very traumatic time recently with her mother's attempt at suicide. And you put her down for something she did in a 'motherly' role (making a birthday cake) for her younger sibling in an obvious attempt to look after her sister who is experiencing the same trauma and maybe also to help her mother out by taking one task off her shoulders. Tbh, Marge was far more polite about it than you deserved

pictish · 31/10/2016 08:36

So instead of trying to sort it out by saying, "Oh no, I didn't mean it like that...no offence intended. Sorry." you stormed off to wait in the car.
Ok...well that certainly wouldn't have convinced anyone that they had taken what you said the wrong way because your stance was wholly defensive.

Unless there was more to it, on this occasion the fault lies with you. Although an apology would have sufficed in sorting it out.

Pagwatch · 31/10/2016 08:44

What has the huge backstory got to do with cakegate?

BakeOffBiscuits · 31/10/2016 08:45

Yabu

You need to apologise and move on. Your nieces are going through trauma and youre just about to cause more drama.

Stop this shit, now.

CreepyContessaDiPlump · 31/10/2016 08:54

I don't understand what your joke was about I see other posters have tried to decipher it but please could you confirm whether they're right or not op?

The correct response when offered cake is either 'Yes please' or 'No thank you, but it looks amazing!', for future reference.

LetsAllEatCakes · 31/10/2016 09:14

Marge may be a complete bitch to you at other times but that's something you and mainly your dh need to address separately. If she can call people out then she should be called out herself.

I'm unsure why you left though. Just simply 'I didn't mean it like that, I'm really full at the moment' would have sufficed? Then you could have all changed the topic of conversation.

Yabvu to expect on this occasion your dh to take your side on the grounds that his sister says unpleasant stuff too. He could have said 'she did not mean it like that' abput you but you left to go and sit in the car which I think would annoy anyone because it's sulking. Especially given the situation. Yanbu to think that when marge is a bitch he should stand up for you. He should but they are two separate issues.

JunosRevenge · 31/10/2016 09:15

What springer and creepy said.

Sort yourself out OP.

YABU.

Foxysoxy01 · 31/10/2016 09:22

I don't understand the comment, I'm not sure how anyone can tell if yabu or not as the comment is completely unclear.

What did you actually say? The actual comment you made.

mummyto2monkeys · 31/10/2016 09:27

I'm confused, does your neice being a student make her cake baking skills inferior? Its like saying 'aww your drawing is so cute for a five year old!!'. Your neice is an adult, who by your own admission has made a beautiful cake. Why not just say so? Many adults have zero baking skills, it has absolutely nothing to do with whether she is studying hairdressing/ teaching or medicine! Are you on the spectrum/ socially awkward? I am and as a teen I often would say daft things(that I didn't mean! I struggled to see things from another's point of view).The best thing to do is admit that you have been misunderstood and apologise if it has caused any distress. You can make it lighthearted!

I get that its embarrassing to have been pulled up, but you were rude and its not fair to fall out with your husband because he didn't feel your shame/ want to flounce off (especially as that would have caused more friction!) I am willing to bet that your husband was apologising to your neice and trying to damage control the situation that you left him in.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 31/10/2016 09:29

I agree with spring

Did you really flounce in tears to the car because someone pointed out that you had been mean? Normal reaction would be an apology. I hope that when DH didn't follow, he was apologising to them.

SylvieB74 · 31/10/2016 09:36

Oh well 🙄.
Grow up.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 31/10/2016 16:51

Dammit, the mystery still hasn't been solved. I've been wondering about this all day.

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