To think you just dont walk into someones home and do this!!!

[GobbolinoCat]

So.....my mil and I and my DH have a long horrid back story. Its childs party today and the first thing mil does when she walks in is rearrange a throw ( she gave us many xmasses ago) on our sofas, and then puts another throw over another chair?

I came in - saw it and and moved it. I could hear her grumbling t FIL and when I came in again, it was spread over it again. I personally dont like throws like that! Its like student digs!

Who would bloody well do this?????? Is she spoiling for a fight? Is she thick?

Shall I go to her house armed with blankets and decide to better her house??????
She was a nightmare in other ways too - but I felt this was the biggest personal transgression!

[ThroughtTreacleThroughSand]

Was the throw positioning not because she didn't want to sit on the sofas? That was my first thought (OCD here). You say they're old and stained - did you tell her you'd just washed the covers? Even then she might not have felt safe sitting on them if she has OCD. It's possible that the throws were her carefully worked out in advance plan to reduce extreme anxiety about having to sit on your furniture. I can just imagine her saying to her dh "it'll be OK if I can just put a couple of throws over the sofa". If she has severe OCD and that is why she put them there, then moving them might feel to her like someone putting a spider's cage right next to them would to an arachnophobe. Anxiety can make you break social rules, like someone else said, because reducing the anxiety is the most important thing.

Also, if she has issue with contamination then you not having proper cloths for things would also drive her anxiety sky high, which could be why she's provided you with cloths in the past.

That's not to excuse the nastiness, by the way.

[a7mints]

when I read threads like this, or the one about somebody being enraged at the use of the word 'cuppa', it makes me think that many MNers are psychotic.I hope that MN isn't a representative of the world as a whole.It makes me look at people and wonder if they are all inwardly seething about grammatical errors, or a faux pas in the checkout line last week.
I heonestly don't know how people have the headspace to get so worked up about nothing!

[GobbolinoCat]

Also, if she has issue with contamination then you not having proper cloths for things would also drive her anxiety sky high, which could be why she's provided you with cloths in the past

Perhaps, but she actually had no need to go to our sink anyway. And surely using kitchen towel, or disposable wipes are far more clean than re using old cloths? I mean its not like I handed her an old scrubber thats been in use for years

RE contamination, I find it odd that she and fil happily feed the DC off their own forks, once after FIL had nasty illness .
Am reading through other responses.
Dare I say it - but Mils culture/ country of birth is famous for its clean obsession and her family are more relaxed than her but without a doubt on the same page. Fil also is a bit of a neat freak! He was in army and has to have things orderly for instance, a hand bag not left in the utility room will send him in a spin
I guess this is why she has to have the DC there so she can wash them, wash their clothes, get them nice and clean to be in the house.

It would be easier to bear if she was a nice person, she has done some OK things over the years but I dont think she has ever said a single nice to thing to me and it seems she doesnt like other people to either eg her mother - DH grandma said once " Gobbolino the children are so nicely dressed, I really like the way you dress them" MIL shot me the most filthy, dirty look and then looked at her Dm like a traitor. She still tries to dress DH and has made a huge fuss in the past about dressing him for events. I will send my DC there if overnight with clothes but she will usually re dress them! And they come back in new outfits. I try and be grateful and I am but I cant help feeling she is also doing it because she thinks the way she wants them dressed is better. She also dresses SIl who is 35

She could have walked in the room and said " oh how lovely, you have both done a great job, by the way I have some throws here do you think it would be a good idea for me to put some down?" But its the way she came in - with purpose all thought out. She has sat on our sofas in the past and how does she know the throw she used from us is washed? ( it was it all was!) DH interacts with her but only on a very superficial level you cant get close really its so odd. Even though we have spent many times together and events I dont feel we could say " oh remember that year bla bla" because nothing happens there...convo is always light and DH has massive issues with her too. She has zero emotional connection to him.
It would be so much easier to take if it was contained eg my DF is obsessed with sinks too! He bleaches his all the time and if he stays with me, he will bleach it every morning, and then has a strange tea ritual where he boils kettle loads of times to warm his cup , then tips it out then more boiling water until its the right temp. DF is obsessed with that and washes under running water, washes his hands more than most but he just gets on with it, then can turn his attention to other things during the day and he would never imply he has to bleach our sink because its dirty, or that we are dirty. He just does it if you see what I mean?

At xmas in their house we are not allowed to drink red wine anywhere but sat at the table you couldn't pick it up and walk to living room with it. I feel anxious in her house and uncomfortable, you un wrap a gift and there is tension until the paper is put away, I mean why bother wrapping?????? Its so awkward and annoying. Its like a church in there, mils hallowed ground.
I just find her so miserable to be around, wanting the music low - constantly turning it down yesterday! The comment about my DM picture..."oh".

[RushToKansas]

So A7, if someone you had a tricky relationship with turned up at your home and started rearranging and adding soft furnishings would you just think that was normal? Not say a bit weird and worthy of an "erm, what are you doing?"

[Katy07]

It sounds like OCD of some sort to me too & if it is then you need to somehow take a deep breath every time and not react; just tell yourself that she can't help it and it's not personal. But, if she has then she (or her husband) should be mentioning it so that it doesn't come across as the controlling need to put throws everywhere! A simple 'apologies in advance but she's got bad OCD and can't cope with uncovered upholstery - I know it's very aggravating but if you could cope with a hideous throw or two for a couple of hours it would prevent so many tears. And I promise we'll take them with us at the end. Oh and I've brought a couple of cloths too because she doesn't trust anyone to wipe surfaces properly - she'll tell you that you can keep them to use but feel free to bin them the second we've gone. And again, I am really sorry but we're working on it'
(My mum used to bring her own cloths when she'd come round to help clean post-moving / post-new-kitchen etc. - mine weren't good enough. She'd leave me one. It would end up in the bin shortly after she'd gone. It took several years but I've learnt to ignore her helpful suggestions comments on my ineptness and just redo things my own way when she's gone!

[corythatwas]

So a7mints, you wouldn't actually mind a guest at your house turning to his weeping partner and saying "are you upset about the mess"? Makes you psychotic to find that odd? We must move in very different circles.

[Katy07]

I remember once when I'd just moved out and my parents and sister came round to admire new place and eat cake. All sat on sofa, sister drops cake crumbs on floor. We're all still eating but my mum asks if I want to get the hoover out and clean up the crumbs straight away Needless to say I didn't. My place, my crumb-laden floor. (Admit I would have hoovered shortly after they'd gone! Too many years of being hoovered-round had brainwashed me)
Some people have issues. You just have to thank your lucky stars you don't have the same problems.

[GobbolinoCat]

Mil seems to be in a constant state of upset though she is always being comforted by fil over something.
Its the huge elephant in the room - but fil is on the same page. I dont feel offended in the slightest that she was weeping over the mess - its a party - there will be mess, IN FACT I like seeing a few bits left around after a party.....but its not her mess or her problem.

I just feel its on the tip of my tongue to say something to fil about it I am quite out spoken and have held my tongue with her for years. But yesterday her whole manner throughout was I felt to be rude. She wont be asked to help again.

[GobbolinoCat]

dh said she went to his student digs once then broke down over how he could live like that.......
when our dd was born she told me they were all crying over the fact we brought a baby into the world with such dirty carpets ( we were gutting old house and decided to leave the carpets in situ until we could work out what to do with them) but at the time it deeply hurt my feelings.

[GobbolinoCat]

katey interesting!!

Its hard to resist falling into their behaviour, I read a long time ago the best thing to do with someone like this was for her DH to say things like " I am leaving that half drunk cup of tea on the side and and I want it to stay there until I get back, or those are my dirty underpants on the floor and I want them left there" etc....challenge it rather than feed into it.

i feel we are all enabling her and feeding into it.

[MerryInthechelseahotel]

My ex late MIL was very much like this. Not in a OCD cleaning way but judging and superior. She arrived at our house one day and asked us if we liked this roll of boarder that was in her bag. She was decorating her own home as she had recently moved so I smiled and said yes. It was only when she had gone I went up to the top floor where our bedrooms were and she had stuck the boarder up in our bedroom corridor when I phoned her she said she couldn't possibly have my parents coming all the way to visit us and seeing the corridor like that

[MrsGwyn]

I think it can be hard to understand till it's experienced.

I get it in various forms from MIL, FIL and my own mother.

DH used to tell me I was mad to get so upset till it started happening with him and it infuriates him.

Sometimes it washes over me, mostly I re-direct and manage situations. I also avoid situations - I try and keep MIL from cornering DC - I will say no and have no problem being the bad guy.

You've found MIL can't cope with parities so don't invite her again - do something else like a posh meal out instead. You need to find a way to cope with visit to their house - space them out and keep them short - and say no for your DD about stopping over if she doesn't want to.

With the throw in particular - you could have ignore, could have said please stop doing that - to room in general or to her in particular or you could have removed throw from the room.

In our case it a mixture of anxiety, concern about roles, about control or making a point or just refusing to see us as adults.

Our Dc birthdays have often been occurrences - so we manage them to minimise impact on the DC - mean see GP at other times so be it. I find at minute IL making visits longer and only way we can cope is for us to be very busy and mainly out of the house as the dynamics work better.

None of them have a key and I discourage them from just walking in - does seem to help greeting them at door usually means it longer before they start treating it like their house with their wishes paramount - but god it can feel petty at time.

It's not just the house had years of them trying to undermine us with our children - that gets stamped on hard as well.

Does sound like OCD may be an issue at play here - but still think you need to find ways of coping with the behavior not just hoping it will change.

[MrsGwyn]

DSis exMIl was like this too - though in her case she rearrange furniture and changed blinds while they were at work and then invited other family members to stop in their house with no consultation with them.

My IL have been very rude to me but never gone to those lengths - though they've never had a key either.

[a7mints]

It wouldn't give me the rage if they rearranged my throws, no

[ChuckGravestones]

It wouldn't give me the rage if they rearranged my throws, no

What if they brought their own with them?

[RhiWrites]

Sooty OP, can we go back a bit? Did you suggest she served cake on pieces of loo roll? I'm confused about that bit!

[RhiWrites]

*sorry, not Sooty!

[2kids2dogsnosense]

there is soap with a carefully placed fake flower on it. The soap dish is always polished and the last time I was in there - the loo roll itself had been turned into a swan

This is really seriously creepy . . . [theconfused]

[2kids2dogsnosense]

FIRST thing she said to Me was " Can he take his shoes off". That was it. She did not speak to DF

Charming!

[GobbolinoCat]

Did you suggest she served cake on pieces of loo roll? I'm confused about that bit!

^^

I would have loved to but no .

She kindly made a cake for DC ( we all had to lavish praise on for her this - led by FIL as always.....and it wasn't hard, it was a lovely cake), she then went to the kitchen and said in derogatory tone " I need to clear space here to cut the cake, I have washed this area but I cant find a cloth to dry it with" .

First of all - she didn't need to do this in the first place, there was space on the counter anyway. I quickly glanced around and saw we had run out of kitchen towel which is what I would normally use. I explained this and said - what about this - loo roll, can you dry with that? I also showed her a tea towel but my instinct told me a tea towel would not suit her purpose.
She spluttered over the loo roll suggestion and then started to interrogate me on "j cloths " she had brought us ages ago and where were they and why are there none to use?

All of this while I am suffering with headache and trying to lay table for the birthday tea

[GobbolinoCat]

toptoe Mon 31-Oct-16 08:08:19 some great advice there thanks.

RushToKansas Mon 31-Oct-16 08:16:29 Yes sounds very similar to us. Its over bearing isn't it. I have tried to laugh off past things but yesterday the throw was such a direct action its like she wanted to be confrontational. The problem with going to their house is your entering the strictly controlled environment but even then every time we see them ie - we popped in last weekend, before that two weeks before we saw them at another party, then yesterday they were at our house for at least 4 hours but they say to the GC " why dont we ever see you when are you coming over" . Maybe I should come out and say - " your seeing them right now, why dont you feel you are seeing them right now?"

[RhiWrites]

Thanks for explaining. I was very bemused by the cake being wrapped up in loo roll serviettes!

I like a j cloth myself, very versatile. According to my mum I was wrapped in kne when I was born! But a clean tea towel would have been fine. Loo roll would shred into a gazillion pieces unless you have the fancy quilted kind.

I wouldn't have washed the counter at all but j guess that's her OCD. I think the problem is that instead of being apologetic about her cleaning obsession she acts judgey as though her way is the only right one.

[Rachel0Greep]

I think OCD ( if that is the problem ) must be a difficult condition to deal with and live with, but honestly she sounds actively unpleasant.

Saying 'oh' about the photo of your mum and not wanting to give even the tiniest bit of praise to anything is horrid behaviour. And having to be consoled and comforted about the 'mess'. It does sound as if FIL enables her behaviour.

I think I would be limiting exposure to her, especially for the children, and as others have suggested arranging to meet elsewhere if possible.

and for you OP.

[GobbolinoCat]

I think the problem is that instead of being apologetic about her cleaning obsession she acts judgey as though her way is the only right one

Well this is it the heart of the issue, there is no humility, kindness, jokeyness ( on anything) its very much the right way and as I said she is from a country famed for its cleaning prowess, and FIL backs her up too. They mildly reference it as a family but very much go along with it in reality. She told me off once for not helping DH to stay smart and is always touchy about his hair, or he hasn't shaved etc.
Hopefully we wont have to see them for a few weeks now. I find small doses best for all of us, a short visit to theirs in and out.