To think you just dont walk into someones home and do this!!!

[GobbolinoCat]

So.....my mil and I and my DH have a long horrid back story. Its childs party today and the first thing mil does when she walks in is rearrange a throw ( she gave us many xmasses ago) on our sofas, and then puts another throw over another chair?

I came in - saw it and and moved it. I could hear her grumbling t FIL and when I came in again, it was spread over it again. I personally dont like throws like that! Its like student digs!

Who would bloody well do this?????? Is she spoiling for a fight? Is she thick?

Shall I go to her house armed with blankets and decide to better her house??????
She was a nightmare in other ways too - but I felt this was the biggest personal transgression!

[GobbolinoCat]

queen

our sofas are their old cast offs. They are battered, stained, and I washed all cushion covers and seat and sofas covers the very night before! Having said that they still look nice - to me anyway! when our dc are much older we will replace but would be silly to do so now, I dont want to worry about sofas.

I wouldn't hold a DC party in the house if I was so worried about spills. I am not the sort of person to get worried about spills.

[Maverickismywingman]

Not as bad as the OP's situation though

[GobbolinoCat]

Maybe she is incontinent or very sweaty and wanted to protect your furniture?

Maybe the next time we go there I will take my own throws and tell her I need them because I am incontinent and sweaty

[GobbolinoCat]

rachel it wasnt a bit of mess it was a room full of torn tissue and it was fine, its our mess not hers in our house.

you could tell she was pushed to the limit looking at it - they are the sort of people who snatch the wrapping paper from your hand.

something may be a miss but what on earth can we - I do about it? Its an impossible situation, go to her house which is like a prison to me, and now dd 9 doesnt like to go but pils go on about going all the time, the xmas battle has already started...I a very sensitive to other people in this way and when she flinches when people eat and drink her house I feel it and feel uncomfortable too.

[QueenLizIII]

The woman obviously has some kind of OCD.

Would you all laugh at a poster who posted about their obsessions and feeling tearful over messes if it was a real issue for them.

i guess maybe you would.

[roundaboutthetown]

Hmm. OCD doesn't have to manifest as handwashing - any sort of obsessive thought will do on which a person feels compelled to act in order to relieve the anxiety caused. She could just have an obsession with cleanliness and orderliness, symmetry, things looking the "right way." Impressed her dh has learnt how to put up with it, tbh. If she does have OCD, it's an exhausting and stressful condition for the sufferer, let alone those who suffer their rituals along with them.

[horseygeorgie1]

Actually I think you may be being a bit U here. Not for being annoyed, I would be, but because clearly your MIL has some really, distressing issues that I think you should maybe attempt to cut her some slack over. She has obviously wanted to come and why should she miss out on her DGC lives because she already deals with the everyday shit of having something like this?!

Obviously she should have candidly spoken to you first but may have been very embarrassed. I think you may need to step back here a bit and view this without previous encounters clouding your view, It is coming across as a bit nasty tbh.

[GobbolinoCat]

Lets just say she has OCD, does this mean she is also rude as part of it> can never say one kind or nice word to me?

Can never give anything? Dh and I slogged over the house before the party, it looked so lovely and she comes in to change it in some way her Dh says " great party Gobbolino and DH" she says " we did parties too you know" and its always like that. Not one nice word to me. ever. So its not like the OCD if it is this - is the issue. I just dont find her to be a nice person.

[wafflyversatile]

Say"because I am incontinent and sweaty TOO'

[roundaboutthetown]

Probably it's that or admit she has a massive mental health problem - note that she will say they used to have parties, too... Why can't she/won't she any more? She knows it's not healthy and covers up you making her feel odd and inadequate for no longer being capable of behaving entirely normally and being able to cope with parties by telling you all about how she used to have them/trying to deflect attention away from her issues by trying to imply your efforts aren't good enough and that therefore she can't be entirely abnormal to be stressed out in your throw-free house.

[horseygeorgie1]

roundabout covers it far better than me I think!

[horseygeorgie1]

roundabout covers it far better than me I think!

[NoncommittalToSparkleMotion]

My mother has extreme OCD with cleaning, which has been passed down to me.

But even I will never be as bad as her.

She babysat for me once at my house and "hid" my dish soap bottle. Her reason being that "it's gross to show people what you wash with."

She has an exact pattern for her couch pillows and noticeably twitches if someone "undoes" it.

Pillows on the bed are not to be slept on. The real pillows are hidden in closets in the hallway. Each pillow is for a specific bed in a specific room. But the pillows can never be left in that room. Ever.

All her clothes are washed and ironed after one wear.

Oh, and one must never layer clothes. It's "dirty" to remove a sweater and only wear the shirt underneath. Think of the sweat stains!

For this reason, I must laugh. Or I cry.

I get you OP.

[GobbolinoCat]

Really interesting comments roundabout. Am mulling over this.

She does have parties though in the sense they are restrained friends over affairs...for xmas they will host and cleanliness is a theme. My DF went there last year and he is disabled and struggles to walk, he had to navigate their gravel drive which is lethal if you have mobility issues. He made it inside - breathless and the only and FIRST thing she said to Me was " Can he take his shoes off". That was it. She did not speak to DF.

However so many posters picking up on this issue One wonders how deep can these things go if they infiltrate to such a degree?

[GobbolinoCat]

noncomittal wow!

how does your family cope with this though> has she tried to get help?

[BerlinerBelle]

You can have a mental illness and be a cunt too. They are not mutually exclusive.

[GobbolinoCat]

I think whilst we /I have always known of MILS issues it became a little clearer this year when I realised she must have a loo phobia we were at a function and she preferred to walk quite a distance away to get a proper loo in a posh building rather then use the luxury porta loos which - in all honesty were fine.
There was a slight look of fear in her eye and its then I realised there may be much more to this. But as I said she just has not been kind or nice and yes its very much laugh or cry. But as stated I do feel the throws were very much a territory thing.

she tries to dress us all too....she is obsessed with appearances...

[QueenLizIII]

Does the mental illness make you a cunt though.

[AbernathysFringe]

I get it OP and agree with Sponge. I find the best way to deal with passive aggressive is to very politely cut through the crap and directly address it. Politely and maybe with a touch of humour.

'Is there a particular reason you like the throws like that, Marjorie? Oh, what a nice idea. Maybe I'll do that another time, but for now, if you don't mind, I think we'll leave them like this.'

Firm and clear. Spell it out so she can't claim to not understand.

[BerlinerBelle]

sorry that came out harsher than I meant!

It just surprises me that people think that you can't be both.

[QueenLizIII]

Or make you do things that make you appear to be not nice.

like not leaving the OPs home alone the way she likes it.

[NoncommittalToSparkleMotion]

It's not easy at all. As it's becoming all the more stressful placating to it with DD, yknow, being a child, I get her to visit at our house. Being at hers makes it very uncomfortable.

She'll never go and get help, sadly.

And it's all a means of control; she will not stand for people doing something differently than her, so in her house, it's "her rules."

It's exhausting.

[GobbolinoCat]

ummmm. Some interesting ideas thrown up by this thread....

whatever she has is obv quite severed..but do I put my dc through it being there alone with her? As said she tried to always wash their clothes....I would feel much happier if this was an acknowledged in some way issue that was in the open more..rather than going along with the fact GM is like this and its normal and she is simply better than us all

[confuugled1]

Could you get your dh to talk to fil to find out 'what on earth was mil doing, messing up the throws when they'd been tidily put where we wanted them. She really upset OP when she had more than enough to be dealing with running the party while she had a migraine and it was the straw that broke the camel's back - surely it was obvious that she will put the throws how she wants them in her own home? particularly when she had to do it several times. I was really shocked by how uncaring and messy MIL was especially when she is usually so tidy... Is there something going on, is she not well, it just doesn't seem like her to deliberately be so mean and unhelpful'.

That way you're not discussing it directly with MIL (and not risking blowing up about it), if mil is usually a neat freak, calling her actions out as making things messy and untidy will probably shock her and fil because she probably thinks that she is making it tidy and neater (hiding the old marks or preventing crumbs or whatever) and it will immediately put them into the position of having been the ones to have done something wrong - whereas at the moment they are sitting there thinking they are the ones that have been wronged and it probably hasn't occurred to either of them that actually, you feel that they are the ones in the wrong...

even if it does nothing for this time, tricky to turn the clocks back, it might make it easier to say something next time.

And remember next time you go to their house, every time you see a throw that has been thrown over things, to tut and say oh dear, look how messy this is, let's tidy it up and put it neatly, I know MIL hates messy things... and treat it as a game to see how many times you can tidy it up and mil will spread it out again... winner gets a prize

[ohtheholidays]

I do actually have OCD but I manage to not be a Cunt

OP seriously I'm so sorry that your MIL was awful to you straight after you'd lost a close family member there really is no excuse for that and I think your MIL has been so lucky that you let her back into yours and your childrens lifes!

With your DD not wanting to visit it's really hard isn't it,of course you want them to still continue to have a relationship but you don't want to force your DD.Is there something they could do together a few times a month outside of Grandmothers house?

That way they'd still have a close relationship with one another but without your DD feeling the stress of being in the house with her Grandmother,it might even be better for your MIL as well.

The throw thing would have wound me up as well,especially when your hosting a child's birthday party and your MIL's behaviour has been far from nice or kind in the past,so I think you handled it well.