To think you just dont walk into someones home and do this!!!

[GobbolinoCat]

So.....my mil and I and my DH have a long horrid back story. Its childs party today and the first thing mil does when she walks in is rearrange a throw ( she gave us many xmasses ago) on our sofas, and then puts another throw over another chair?

I came in - saw it and and moved it. I could hear her grumbling t FIL and when I came in again, it was spread over it again. I personally dont like throws like that! Its like student digs!

Who would bloody well do this?????? Is she spoiling for a fight? Is she thick?

Shall I go to her house armed with blankets and decide to better her house??????
She was a nightmare in other ways too - but I felt this was the biggest personal transgression!

[BerlinerBelle]

It's not just that though is it QL. The behaviour is one thing - the lack of kindness and snobbery are something else.

[QueenLizIII]

That is true Berliner.

I wouldnt send the DC there alone if they dont want to go either.

[NoncommittalToSparkleMotion]

Absolutely ohtheholidays

I have my own OCD but I would never tell other people to do things a certain way or criticize them because of it.

[GobbolinoCat]

non

being in mils home has always been stressful too she has flipped out over drips of tea, then the wrong cloth being used to wipe it up etc.

I guess this is one of the things that irked me today - be like this in your own home but dont bring it into ours!
Fil has said in the past " be seen to be making an effort". I feel very much that he has placated her for an easy life.
My problem is pils batter us with request to get the dc over there - even today after seeing both GC for hours fil says " when are we going to see you we have not had you over for a long time" they love to have the dc there on their own turf...and yet older DD does not like going! its a bizarre position to be in.
Its like this is MILs whole personality there is nothing else there, conversation is very limited. Ever since I have known her its dominated her.

[slenderisthenight]

I think you'll have to very kindly and clearly explain to her why you are having trouble getting the children to visit. Just explain what they find difficult and don't comment on whether you think they are right or wrong.

[NickiFury]

In fact at the end of ours she actually had a tear in her eye and her husband put his arm around her said " whats wrong is it the mess, " and she nodded"!!!

😄 How did you not laugh?

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

There is back story here Betrand I know you find these threads a bit of a mental block though dont you?

That's almost as rude as your MIL!

[BerylStreep]

I think a lot of this may be down to your MIL not coping very well with chaotic enviroronments. I too would be the person with the black bin bag ready to collect wrapping paper. I think a lot may also be because the sofas were originally your MIL's. She maybe still has proprietorial feelings towards them and doesn't want to see them ruined.

I really think you could give her some slack.

[NoncommittalToSparkleMotion]

Thank you Gobbolino (great name btw)

If I may ask, how old is your DD? My DD is still young, but I am of the opinion that if a child doesn't want to spend time on their own with someone, I'd want to respect that. Especially in situations like these.

[GobbolinoCat]

ohtheholdidays thanks for post I really appreciate it, I only wanted a lighthearted thread but this has morphed as ever on MN and is really giving me food for thought, thank you.

but you don't want to force your DD.Is there something they could do together a few times a month outside of Grandmothers house?

This is the absolute crux though - unless DC have been there and alone the pils don't feel for some reason they have seen them!Mil is a bit like a snail and she only seems to be happy in her own house - which perversely is where she is worst. She has said to DH in the past " I cant have nice things with you here you ruin things " and " all I have is the house".
Its a nice house, big, expensive etc, its like its her identity?

I do feel so pressured to make dc go, but not to the degree when they dont want too, I am happy to suggest they take dc out more, but this would mortally offend them they see their house as the best place ever.....

such an odd situation!!! without being terribly blunt not sure how I could do it....

[roundaboutthetown]

Well, for a start, I wouldn't interpret her behaviour as being a symptom of a superiority complex - her obsession with cleanliness, tidiness and appearances is clearly not a source of pleasure to her, but an awful compulsion that gets in the way of her ability to relax and function normally. She will know it is not considered polite to tell someone to ensure their father's shoes are removed before she greets them properly! But the awful prospect of dirty shoes touching the carpet and the barely controllable compulsion to clean it in front of everyone if they do will be so great, that stopping those shoes getting near the carpet becomes the priority. Better to be momentarily rude than have to get the carpet cleaner out!!

[GobbolinoCat]

non she is 9 now. she stayed a few nights there this summer, and literally burst into tears when I suggested a short visit after ( not over night) and said "mummy give me a break" the problem is - even if we pop in mil tries to get dd alone to ask " when am i going to see you" and this also stresses DD out.

[GobbolinoCat]

round she does act in a superior way though and has been vocal on that front....they are quite well off and she has made it clear she feels my family are poor etc. I understand however there are two issues here but its not the sole cleaning thing I am going on.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Does she actually make them take their clothes off to wash them?

[roundaboutthetown]

It's a bit sad she's making herself a prisoner in her own house, though... which she is. I think she needs to admit she's got a problem!

[GobbolinoCat]

I am happy to respect that too non but MIL has already blamed me - for her crap relations with dh and I know they see me as standing in between them and the DG, even though as I said they spent many nights there this summer.....where they had every opportunity to forge strong bonds, but as I said - instead - DD was crying saying - give me a break and I have .

I have to go to bed now - but I just wanted to say - my own health isnt that great either I too have great pressures on me, my df is very very ill and not only that has other major issues, I have suffered a few close personal losses....I just want to get on with people and be nice and kind and I find mils whole attitude a struggle really....I was grateful for fils help today I would love us all to get on - even if not brilliantly - on some level...but her behaviour today and nearly every time..makes it hard its a barrier. My family is quite depleted sadly.

Mil has been in our house loads and I lost my own DM years ago mil has never asked about her, Today in an off hand way she said " oh it THAT your DM gobbolino" I said yes - and she said " oh"

looking at a picture, the only main pic I have of her in the house" who else would it be? the way she said it - she could have said anything kind...but she chose not too.

so tired am rambling now better go to bed got food for thought though.

[MrsMcMoo]

Mine used to do this sort of thing. It's about power. She wouldn't do it at a friend's house. She can fuck right off.

[ohtheholidays]

I'm sorry to hear your poor Dad is ill and that you have so much else going on Cat,you can tell by the way you've wrote your posts that your a very kind person and that you've been trying very hard with your MIL,I know it's really hard when someone trys to lay all of they're problems at your feet but I hope you can see that your MIL's actions and her words are never about you,there's nothing that you've done or could have done that would make her act more kindly in general to everyone including you.

[NoncommittalToSparkleMotion]

Very sorry to hear Gobbolino. Sleep well, hope tomorrow is a better day.

[YNK]

Me and my friends were once invited to someones house for a drink before an event.
The 11yo DS took our coats as we went in and whisked them away, which I thought a bit strange, as I would never imagine my own kids doing that.
The house was show condition and the teenage DD kept adjusting our drinks on coasters as if making sure the glass was placed dead centre!
I went to the toilet and it was so polished it was spooky. The toilet roll was new and folded to a point, like in a hotel, the new soap was in a gleaming soapdish but get this......there was not one personal item in there - not a toothbrush, comb, or any toiletries of any kind. Apparently each family member had a washbag which they carried to and fro from their bedroom.
I've never felt so uncomfortable in my life!
Weird!

[roundaboutthetown]

I'm sorry life's a bit tough for you at the moment, Gobbolino. Your mil sounds unbelievably hard work, spiky and difficult. Her family have obviously had to suck up her behaviour over the years and learn to accept it, whereas you haven't and won't and don't have to. That's going to be hugely upsetting to her and she'll be trying to blame you for it, but underneath it all, she knows she is the one with the unspoken problem. It would be very sad if this deprived her of access to her grandchildren, but I'm not sure how you could deal with it, if everyone is determined to leave it unspoken, particularly her! It's not really fair to make your children stay there if it makes them cry, though, but cutting contact altogether would be sad. Is no-one she trusts willing to be honest with her?

[toptoe]

She sounds very passive aggressive. The OCD is linked to anxiety - it's a way for the brain to cope with anxiety after a trauma or series of traumas (what is a trauma to one individual is not to another). It's about controlling the environment to keep it 'safe' for the brain. The passive aggression is also about control, but wanting to control other people. So there are 2 different issues but both probably linked to some deep-seated insecurity and anxiety.

How to deal with it?

You can't change it. Only she could do that with therapy.
You also can't control it. So she will always be this way, despite what you do.
All you can do is find a way of dealing with it. I think understanding it helps massively as you stop getting offended and irrate by being controlled by her PA and start seeing it as her own insecurity. You can make little jokes about it. You can put your foot down. Knowing the pattern it usually follows is good. It's usually passive aggressive act, you resist, it goes up a notch, you put your foot down, there is crying, flying monkeys to tell you to apologise, don't speak for a while, back to beginning.

I would reduce contact as much as you can without anyone really knowing. But if she does question it, just be straight and say we find your OCD hard to deal with sometimes and would rather spend time with you without being told to clean things all the time. She will cry etc because it will make her mind go into a spin, but you have to be prepared for that and warn others that will probably happen.

[RushToKansas]

I really feel for you as clearly this is about more than throws. My MIL has been a very spiky, manipulative person her whole life and if I gave details on MN I also would get people telling us to go NC. In all honesty it would make my life a lot happier to never see her, but the best option for the wider family is if we see her but try to keep an emotional distance. Anyway, the throw thing is not dissimilar to my MIL in that she seems to have an overwhelming need to "invade". She struggles to see DP as a grown man and seemingly feels that his (our) house should be entirely open to her. As in, she used to come in and just walk past us and wander around each room to see if anything had changed, expressing surprise that DP hadn't told her we had bought a new coaster, for example, then pointing out to DP something that he needed to do. It puts us on edge, but particularly me as I am a SAHM and feel that if she turns up and anything is untidy she will relish the opportunity to then go away and tell people I'm not doing a good enough job. That isn't me being paranoid, that's exactly what she does.
There are a lot more examples I can give but the impression we get is that she wants to assert her authority over both of us as DP's mother. She can't help herself. My long-winded point was that because she is the way she is, DP holds his mum at as much distance as he can, which is sad for all of us. But it's the only way we can function. So we don't invite her here and only meet at her house or out and about. It sounds like this might suit your family? That way MIL never has to see your "mess" and also can't upset you by being territorial.

[corythatwas]

Having OCD, which is a horrible disorder, does not mean you have to blame other people. It really doesn't. There are hundreds of ways in which the MIL could deal with her distress which did not put the blame on the DIL.

And if you are the partner of a person with OCD, who is likely to come out with things that upset and offend other people, are there no better ways of dealing with it than telling the hostess she has to "be seen to make an effort" or talking about "the mess" in her hearing?

[capricorn12]

I feel your pain, my MIL (who I get on very well with) once came round to mind DC for a couple of hours whilst I had an appointment. When I got back she had picked all DH's clothes out of the ironing basket, ironed them and put them away, leaving mine and DC's things in the basket.