My OH comes from a textbook enmeshed family and he absololoutly agrees. They have been awful to me but I don't take it personally as they hate all outsiders. All partners of their children are hated or under their thumb and still hated, all extended family members are conniving, and they literally have no friends.
They are seriously textbook. Someone is always sick. They on the verge of bankruptcy with a household income of around 150k but they guilt us for going on holiday. Gambling, alcohol, medication and drug addiction ALL exist in their house but it is denied and they spend their whole time judging and talking about others!
Anyway, I was NEVER going to be the daughter in-law for them and after years of insults towards me and accusations of me brainwashing their dear son, I decided I would basically stop seeing them except on occasion where it was for the kids. Mine or my OH's nephews.
My daughters birthday party has just passed and they 'couldn't' come. To put it into perspective, their dad has been to our house (less than an hour away) 3 times in 10 years! Once when my daughter was 3 months and my OH and I had a pretty big fall out. I looked outside and the dad had arrived to collect 'his' son and move him back 'home'. He did not check on me or his Granddaughter. Once when my OH and his Brother had a big fall out and I called the dad to come and calm the situation. That ended up in me being blamed for the whole thing and a whole host of accusations against me for using his son, brainwashing his son, trapping his son bla bla bla - I was 21 at the time. And one other time for his son's 30th!
Apparently the reason they couldn't come 'this' time was because the party was on the same day as their 29 year old sons birthday! He spends hardly any time at home and his birthday would have consisted of getting over a hangover, a happy birthday song and cake, potentially a takeaway and him off out again! Its also important to note that my daughters party was in the afternoon and finished at 3pm!
So my OH puts this out there and is told that he has to make more of an effort for his family. 98% of the time he has seen them in the last 10 years it has been his effort. He has dropped fortnightly visits to every 8 or so weeks. He says its a two way thing, and that's the extent of his 'dealing' with the situation.
They also have other grandchildren who visit them almost daily, and as a result, they make a lot of plans that my mine are never invited to be part of. Day trips, holidays etc.
The day after the party was a family event and his dad asks my OH to come over. I don't put any restrictions on them seeing my children but this time I said no!
I'm concerned about the lesson that gives them i.e. Run to people without question that don't make the effort for you, and this time as it was literally the day after my daughters birthday it felt like for once I couldn't let it slide.
My OH said he would still take them which resulted in a near tussle to stop him going through the door with my children.
I'm aware that my problem is him not them. He will eventually say sorry for his behaviour and get re-angry at them. To me he's pathetic and his weakness with his dad in particular makes me genuinely loose love for him. He has no backbone and he typical to an enmeshed family member he is riddled with guilt and fear. After this many years I just can't remain sympathetic with the fact he has been conditioned. He doesn't stand up for me but more importantly he doesn't stand up for our children. And, he's modelling something very wrong in the process.
I have been advised to finally give him an ultimatum. Them or us. And that doesn't mean not see them, but rather stand up to their bullshit and bullying. I have also been advised to stop the children from going to them until they make some effort to come to us and/or include them in their wider family activities.
My reluctance is the fact I know that they wont. This will all become about me (I'm strong enough to take it) and me trying to take him away from his family again. Their actions suggest that they don't give a shit about my children but rather 'their' son but still it feels wrong to stop my children's contact especially as my OH has cousins who they love. His brothers and sisters WILL ALL take the parents side.
One other part of me is also worried about the accusation of 'trying to take him away from his family'. Although I know it's not true, part of their conditioning has also rubbed off on me and has me doubting myself.
I would really appreciate some additional perspective's.