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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish my mates would take responsibility for their own actions and not blame me

26 replies

Beatsretreats · 30/10/2016 13:47

I'm single, every two weeks ex DH has our children. I usually go out to a party/clubbing that weekend with other single mates.

I have a group of marrried friends (3) who also come out with us.

It follows the same pattern every bloody time.

Wednesday: So beats are you out this weekend? We might come out for just one, just a quiet one like. Feel like getting dressed up etc etc.

Friday: Can't wait for tonight going to get on it so excited!!! Woo hoo!

Saturday morning: oh I feel terrible. Not drinking anymore, really this is no way to live, feel so bad about the kids/DH. Need to grow up a bit. At this point they all join in together about how they aren't going out again, how we all need to grow up, hoe irresponsible and silly the night was (mostly because they have no self control over their drinking). I get dragged into the pity party as the main instigator even though I don't drink that much and rarely even have a hangover.

Next Wednesday: oh beats are you going out again this weekend? Might just come out for one Hmm

I'm sick of being used as the excuse for why they feel like shit, their husbands all think I'm dragging them out every few weeks (easy excuse for them). lol and behold our group messages are full again this morning with guilt and oh beats look what you've done to us again Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Beatsretreats · 30/10/2016 13:48

Should say this is my married friends not single ones.

Married friends were the ones buying shots at 8pm!

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 30/10/2016 13:53

It's just banter. Aren't you lucky to have a nice group of friends to go out with?

CalmerLlama · 30/10/2016 13:54

Depending on how polite I wanted to be I'd reply along the lines of either "awww, huns, sorry you're all feeling so rough, I feel fine today, maybe you'd better skip the next one as it's not agreeing with you any more" and repeat the next time they ask to come out, or "sorry, I thought my kids were away this weekend, didn't realise I had to foster the lot of you! Maybe you should grow up, learning to lay off the shots at 8pm would be a good start then perhaps you could come out with the adults again?"

Original poster
Beatsretreats · 30/10/2016 13:58

I wish it was just banter. It's all very earnest and guilt laden stuff. Carries on all week,they go quiet for a few days and then up pops the "so beats what have you got planned this weekend" message. I'd rather they told their husbands they actually want to go out not that I'm instigating it every week. It's just an easy excuse because I'm already going out.

And all the shit about being better mothers and the guilt they heap on themselves is exhausting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beatsretreats · 30/10/2016 13:59

Calmer, that's actually quiet good! Am informing them at the moment

OP posts:
VixenLupin · 30/10/2016 14:01

Just tell them you're not going out next time. Then enjoy an evening without their immature behaviour and resulting hangovers.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 30/10/2016 14:03

LOL their husbands probably think your a wanton single women leading them astray! I'd play up to it, me. Wink

WorraLiberty · 30/10/2016 14:09

Surely it's just them laughing and saying, "You're a bad influence" etc?

If you think they're being 100% serious, then why do you bother going out with them?

Or why don't you ask why they blame you in all seriousness?

WaxingNinja · 30/10/2016 14:12

So why do you keep inviting them out?

When you get the "what are you up to at the weekend" text on Wednesday simply reply "I'm off out with some friends, I'll catch up with you on Sunday night, have a good weekend".

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/10/2016 14:28

Maybe you could be the one to send out the 'What are you doing this Friday/weekend?' question, this week, Beats - beat them to the punch, so they can't make out it was all your idea?

Original poster
Beatsretreats · 30/10/2016 14:34

It's the group flagellation over how terrible we all are that's bothering me the most.

I don't feel like a terrible mother because I went out. I doubt a man in the history of the world has felt guilty that he's a bad parent for having a hangover. I don't want to be lumped in to their bad mum group therapy.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 30/10/2016 14:43

This week, tell them you'll be sitting in with War and Peace and a nice cup of tea because you're an adult. Grin

Then go out with your single friends and have a blast. If the married friends say anything just say it was a last minute thing and you didn't think they'd be interested because of them not being able to handle drinking sensibly.

ohtheholidays · 30/10/2016 14:48

Next time don't let them invite themselves along!

I had a friend that did the same,I stopped bothering with her in the end.

StealthPolarBear · 30/10/2016 14:54

File does this,:goes out has a pint or two and then spends the next day telling everyone he doesn't know why he does it etc etc. Either drink two pints and enjoy them or don't bother.
fil is lovely and doesn't have as many as two pints very often however dh is going the same way and it drives me mad!!

Sandsnake · 30/10/2016 15:08

How frustrating - YANBU. Sounds like they are feeling guilty for going out and have decided to 'blame' you. I think it's sad that women feel like they have to make excuses for having fun with their friends every other week, just because they're mothers. Can't imagine a group of fathers beating themselves up in the same way!

PaulDacresConscience · 30/10/2016 15:11

So don't get drawn in. You need to be honest here.

It's great that they want to come out and socialise and spend time with you. But it sounds as if they are - perhaps unintentionally - using you as the 'single friend' excuse if their OHs are pissed off at the hungover state they're in the morning after.

Tell them that you like spending time with them, but that you are fine today because you drank sensibly last night. They didn't have to come with you - you didn't force them, so please don't suggest that it's all your fault that they drank to excess and now feel guilty at their lack of self-control. If they have an issue with this then they should let you know as you will decline to invite them out with you again - problem solved.

Memoires · 30/10/2016 15:12

How do you know their dhs blame you? Do you see them irl? Seriously, if I did, I'd be tempted to blame them - why do you keep letting your wife go out and get hammered? I'm sick of her complaining all weekend about what her hangover's like. Do you think she's an alcoholic? How often does she go out drinking? I'm really concerned. I only see her every couple of weeks and she's always on the shots by 8! It's no wonder she's in a state all weekend. Seriously, mate, you need to persuade her to get some help.....

OK Iwouldn't do that. I'd tell the mums I was going out with my other mates this time. Maybe, I'd then start pointing out how I stagger my drinking and don't get hungover, and also how dull it is to be out with a bunch of drunks who just spend the next few days complaining. Yes, I would do that.

SoupDragon · 30/10/2016 15:15

or "sorry, I thought my kids were away this weekend, didn't realise I had to foster the lot of you! Maybe you should grow up, learning to lay off the shots at 8pm would be a good start then perhaps you could come out with the adults again?"

Well, that would solve the problem because if a "friend" said that to me, I would tell them to fuck off and wouldn't bother with them again.

OP just laugh and tell them they should lay off the shots.

CalmerLlama · 30/10/2016 16:14

Well, that would solve the problem because if a "friend" said that to me, I would tell them to fuck off and wouldn't bother with them again."

If any of my friends repeatedly kept doing an "oh I can't control myself when I go out, can't be honest with my dh about going out, and I need my friend to take responsibility for that so I can be sanctimonious about it" routine I'd save them the job and have stopped bothering with them already tbh.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/10/2016 22:22

I don't think I'd be humorous or sarcastic, actually. I'd just say the following Weds - "look, I'm happy for you to come out, but remember I don't have my kids the next day, and also I'm not the one who gets the hangover. So come if you want, but don't blame me the next day if you've got a hangover again"

Just be straight with them - it's probably the only way to actually get it through to them that you're fed up of it.

Different scenario but I had a friend who constantly went on and on and ON about me being the cause of something that I really wasn't (couldn't have been) - she thought she was joking and it was funny but it got to a point where I had to get really quite angry and tell her straight that it WASN'T funny, it was complete bollocks and I thought it was very unkind of her to keep making out that I had caused something I hadn't. She stopped.

AmeliaJack · 31/10/2016 05:16

Either challenge them on this behaviour or don't invite them and go out with single friends.

You don't have to take them every time - let them organise their own lives.

Mindtrope · 31/10/2016 05:51

I;m struggling to see the problem here.

Why go out with them if you find it a difficult situation?

JustGettingStarted · 31/10/2016 06:27

You can just adjust it directly. "You do this every time... You ask me to go out with you, saying you'll only drink a little. Then you drink a lot and get a hangover, and then say things like this. I don't pour anything down your throat!"

MissMargie · 31/10/2016 06:33

Plan an outing that doesn't involve booze (there must be something) - they'll prob stay home!

Trifleorbust · 31/10/2016 06:44

God, there are some inflammatory suggestions here - nice way to lose all your mates!

OP, just get in under the radar: "X, thanks for suggesting we go to BLAH BAR last night - lucky I laid off the shots so I feel quite good today. Hope you ladies had as nice a time as I did Grin"

Otherwise ignore the self-flagellation, it's alcohol-induced and nothing to do with you.

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