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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Visitors after baby is born?

23 replies

EllieM22 · 29/10/2016 21:55

DH and I expecting DC1 in a few weeks. Both sets of parents live 4 hours away. We don't have a spare room.

What would you expect is reasonable in terms of visiting after?

On one hand I'm excited for them to come and meet him when he is born but on the other I want some time with DH and dont want them coming over all the time!

My DPs completely get this and are happy to play it by ear (especially depending on my recovery from birth). PIL want to come asap and spend loads of time here.

DH has 5 weeks off before returning to work and we have no other DC!

OP posts:

Original poster

EllieM22 · 29/10/2016 21:57

To add - they don't work and they would stay in a hotel or with other family while here

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 29/10/2016 22:00

You may be Pleased of the help - if you have a colicky baby then extra pairs of hands to rock or walk the baby are good

If they're staying in a hotel then that's a plus - they won't be in your physical space

See how you feel - it's hard to plan for these things

grannytomine · 29/10/2016 22:04

I live about the same distance from son and DIL, when GC was born I went up day baby was born and visited for an hour. Went back a week or so later for a weekend (in local hotel) and it seemed to work out OK. I agree that it is hard to plan as you won't know how you will feel, some people don't seem to want any visitors for a few days/weeks, personally I wanted to show my babies off but only wanted short visits, half an hour to an hour was plenty for first few days.

Hope it all goes well.

Rollonbedtime7pm · 29/10/2016 22:05

Honestly, these sort of threads always get me because the MN 'rules' always seem to be that no one should visit for ages after and the OP asking always comes across like they just assume they will want to hide away for a bit.

I've had 3 babies and absolutely couldn't wait to show them off to family and friends! My last one was born at home at 5am and I rang my mum as soon as it was a more sociable hour and she was over as soon as physically possible!

I just don't think you can decide until you have the baby - you might feel fine and want to see people or you might feel like shit and want to get your head together first. You just risk offending people if you try to plan in advance.

Good luck with the baby!

freddybear100 · 29/10/2016 22:07

Agree with the other comments but also depends on how close you are to them (especially your own parents) My mum stayed for the first week and it was a godsend as she did the cooking, cleaning and took the dog out meaning that we could just concentrate on baby. Dh and dm get on great so wasn't an issue.

TaliDiNozzo · 29/10/2016 22:08

You'll get a mixed bag of responses to this.

Some people think grandparents are an inconvenience to be kept at arm's length, others will have them there are the birth and staying with you afterwards. The truth is, you don't know how you're going to feel post-birth. You might be desperate to show the baby off, you might need a bit more recovery time.

Unless you have reason to believe that anyone is going to be unmanageable then the best thing you can do is play it by ear and tell everyone exactly that. You simply can't make concrete plans now so there's no point committing to it and stressing yourself out.

galaxygirl45 · 29/10/2016 22:10

You literally cannot plan for what you are going to go through or feel like after - I'd not make any plans, and tell them all very clearly that visiting will be at agreed times and you will let them know asap. Perhaps reassure them that they will be first in line. Good luck.

Lelloteddy · 29/10/2016 22:11

You are over thinking.
Relax and let the situation evolve. This is a really special time for your family and rather than tie yourself up in knots ( or allow yourself to be tied up in knots by over zealous MNers) just see how you feel when the baby is here. If you have a section and an unsettled baby that you struggle to breast feed, your tolerance for visitors will likely be different to a straightforward delivery, with a sleepy baby who feeds like a dream.

HarleyQuinzel · 29/10/2016 22:18

It all depends on your relationship I guess? I would make sure you have a couple of days just with the baby after the birth, then let them know when you want them down.

I had my dad at the birth, DPs parents were waiting outside. They saw him minutes after I did, but that's how our families our.

I would say longer than 2 weeks is unreasonable assuming they're not horrible.

HarleyQuinzel · 29/10/2016 22:18

*are

Enidblyton1 · 29/10/2016 22:20

I wouldn't stress too much about it now - let things evolve naturally. Great that they would stay in a nearby hotel.

You just don't know how you will feel until your baby is here. I was incredibly grateful that my Pil visited nearly every day for the first week. They did the shopping, cooked all meals, cleaned the house and generally made life wonderful for me and DH so we could just enjoy the baby.

Not all visitors would be this brilliant though, so it depends what your family are like. If they just want baby cuddles, make a mess of your house and are generally unhelpful then you may wish to restrict visiting hours!!

Lelloteddy · 29/10/2016 22:21

So your dad was with you in the labour room yet you tell a total stranger on the Internet to make sure she keeps her parents and inlaws away from their new grandchild for at least a few days or anything up to two weeks?

Mind boggles.

Sparklesilverglitter · 29/10/2016 22:22

I'v not long had my first baby and I bloody love people visiting and meeting DD. I love seeing people.

Just explain to them you will let them know once baby has arrived, as until then you've no idea how you will feel.

bumblefeline · 29/10/2016 22:25

I don't think you know how you will feel until your baby is here.

My mum stayed a week after I had dd2 and I loved it.

Both my babies were about 16 weeks when we took them on the long journey to see in laws.

You may be glad of visitors.

Hope it all goes well.

HarleyQuinzel · 29/10/2016 22:25

Well I'm assuming OP doesn't want down straight away or she wouldn't be posting this thread?

Like I said it all depends on your relationship but OP has asked what's reasonable. That's my opinion.

notangelinajolie · 29/10/2016 22:27

I don't get this. Having a baby isn't like an illness) life just carries on.

notangelinajolie · 29/10/2016 22:32

Why is having a baby such a huge thing on here? It is the most normal /natural thing you can do. Why would normal stop? I think you are over thinking it.

switswoo81 · 29/10/2016 22:33

I have never felt closer to my mum than after the birth I couldn't believe she felt for me what I felt for this baby. herself and dad visited two hours after baby born and pils visited the next morning. Everyone just had to come see what I created.. I felt like wonder woman.
Talk to them now before the big event find out their expectations and how they go with yours. Your so lucky to have dh off for so long mine had 3 days.

swimmerforlife · 29/10/2016 22:45

PIL stayed with us for the first fortnight after DS1 was born, they were wonderful, I was a bit apprehensive at first but they kept visitors entertained, cleaned the house, did the shopping and cooking etc. I honestly could not have got through that first week without MIL.

My mum then came and stayed for a month (she lives abroad) and she was also wonderful, it was a bit of a shock to the system when she left.

But if they are the type of people who expect to be waited on hand and foot, then just make it small visits.

AppleMagic · 29/10/2016 22:49

Why is having a baby such a huge thing on here? It is the most normal /natural thing you can do. Why would normal stop? I think you are over thinking it.

Sure, it's just like any other day

AppleMagic · 29/10/2016 22:52

I liked having visitors whilst in hospital if you have to stay in at all.
Everyone else will have annoying visitors so nice to block them out with a few of your own, no one can stay very long because visiting time is limited and you don't have to "host".

I think generally just play it by ear. Some people feel fine after birth and for some the recovery takes a bit longer.

Original poster

EllieM22 · 29/10/2016 22:52

Having never had a baby before its kind of hard to know that it's going to feel normal and natural, hence the asking for advice part! Thank you everyone who gave a helpful answer, DH and I will have a think about all your advice 😊

OP posts:

Gatehouse77 · 29/10/2016 23:08

I was exactly the same as Rollon as mine were all home births. Immediate family all visited within a couple of days.

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