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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for 17 yo's extra curricular activities?

51 replies

Ambleton · 29/10/2016 02:10

DD is 17 and would like to start a sport and instrument. She turns 18 at the end of November.

WIBU to say that I won't fund it? What age do you stop paying for them if they have done them from a young age?

OP posts:
MauiWest · 29/10/2016 08:10

What age do you stop paying for them if they have done them from a young age?

never, or at least not until they have a well paid full time job, and even so, if I can still afford it, I would be happy to offer. You don't stop being a parent after a certain birthday! At 17 or 18, mine are expected to have very good school results and interesting extra-curricular activities of their choice. I only expect them to DO something well, or to really enjoy it.

You do sound quite generous, you could still go half or pay for the lessons and she pays for the guitar.

aginghippy · 29/10/2016 08:27

My dd is a similar age and in sixth form. She does dance and music, has done both for years. I still pay for it all and plan to keep paying, if she wants to keep doing the activities. Her turning 18 won't change that, age is not a consideration for me. It would change if she left home or got a full-time job.

Note3 · 29/10/2016 08:50

Although as a parent I'd be thrilled that my child wanted to take up something like this, my own life experiences have taught me how crucial it is for children to learn to budget. I got myself in horrendous debt as was never taught and it's only now as a 30s adult that I've realised where I went wrong. The best thing you can do is support her by paying towards those lessons providing she contributes herself and discuss budgeting and income and expenditure whilst sorting it so it starts making the connections in her mind.

SheldonCRules · 29/10/2016 10:08

I'd also pay, she is a child in education and they are valid activities.

You sound like you are counting down the days until you have to give her nothing, it's very mercenary.

lljkk · 29/10/2016 10:12

split cost 50:50 with her? It sounds like big stretch for OP.
Her own money in will mean she's more committed, too.

JojoLapin · 29/10/2016 10:24

Of course you should. Why would you think that such a young person -your child, should finance herself? This is the 2nd thread along the same lines, it beggars belief.

Dizzybintess · 29/10/2016 10:31

I run a rangers guiding group and some parents stop paying for things after 16 so it's quite sad that they miss out on camps and trips because they have to personally pay.
The ones that do this tend to then drop out and get up to all sorts!

Original poster
Ambleton · 29/10/2016 10:36

I'm only counting down the days (not really) because I'm not exactly rich. I feel bad about not being able to afford it, but now I know I should, I'll do my very best. I do currently pay for everything, it's not as if I don't! She does alright! I just wasn't sure about clubs, etc. as it's something for fun. I always pay for her to go to the cinema, spending money for shopping, if we are out, I'll buy her what she wants, etc. I'm really not evil, promise!!

OP posts:
SparklesandBangs · 29/10/2016 10:40

We paid for all DD1 extra curricular activities until she left for uni, now she funds her lifestyle out of her uni load for 9 months of the year, in the summer break if she wanted any tuition etc we would pay.

Same for DD2 who is 17, if she doesn't go to uni next year may take a gap year we will continue to pay until she does.

We can afford it so there is no hard decision to make, I only paid my DP minimal board when I started working (no uni for me) but I saved so I had my house deposit. My DP still like to treat me now or the DC Even though they are retired and I have a well paid job.

GrumpyOldBag · 29/10/2016 10:42

My DS is 17 and if it is something that is worthwhile/educational etc (e.g. a school trip he needs stuff for) then I pay half.

SparklesandBangs · 29/10/2016 10:43

OP we gave our DD a fixed amount each month for clothes, going out etc. So they learnt to budget, this seems to have worked well for DD1 who managed her funds well through her 1st year at uni.

GrumpyOldBag · 29/10/2016 10:44

Also as a PP said, I am 53, and my parents still get pleasure from paying for some things for me - treats - even though I now earn more than them!

Of course I reciprocate sometimes too.

LoveMyRs · 29/10/2016 20:34

It all depends on what you can afford really.
I would pay for everything my dd will need while she is studying, even after that as long as i can afford to. But if she is working and have spare cash more than me i would expect her to use her money when needed.
It has nothing to do with age, for me i feel its my responsibility. But i wont get a loan so she can go dance classes or anything like that.

Trifleorbust · 29/10/2016 21:06

I think people are being quite harsh on the OP. It's not unreasonable to draw a distinction between a child and an adult; you naturally pay for a child's 'extra-curricular activities' but whether or not you continue to contribute to non-essential hobbies for an adult is entirely a matter of choice.

TheProblemOfSusan · 29/10/2016 21:20

I'd say until the age that you want to hand all financial responsibilities over to her - so for me that was the end of the summer of the year I turned 18 and went to uni. My parents gave me an allowance as a kind offer on top of my loans but it was up to me to manage it, they wouldn't have given even more for a sport.

If you're struggling, why not say you can afford to give her X for extracurriculars - perhaps enough to cover one - and then leave it up to her to budget?

The other thing is if these things are genuinely helpful for UCAS apps, getting jobs, etc - that might make it more important to "invest" in. Eg if she wants to be a netball coach when she leaves school or whatever.

TheProblemOfSusan · 29/10/2016 21:23

Just reread - I actually think it's more reasonable to pay for extracurriculars than it is to pay for money for shopping trips personally - but my parents handed me a budget for clothes based on their own budget when I was about 14 and managed to persuade my mum to stop buying clothes for me...!

QueenLizIII · 29/10/2016 21:25

My mum wouldnt pay my bus fares to college when I was 17 let alone a new hobby.

5Foot5 · 29/10/2016 21:43

I think I would pay, but I can afford to. If you can't then don't, not unreasonable at all.

But I really want to know what do you do at a country club? Is that like Country and Western or is it more for people in to field sports?

Mrskeats · 29/10/2016 21:44

I'm going to show this thread to my 20 and 18 year old to show them they should count themselves lucky
What kind of a parent doesn't pay for bus fare to college?

llangennith · 29/10/2016 21:47

If you can afford it then pay for things for her. Why not?

QueenLizIII · 29/10/2016 21:47

What kind of a parent doesn't pay for bus fare to college?

Mine.

I babysat some children a couple of times a week and made some money from that and she made me pay my bus fares out of any money I had. Oh actually I stand corrected, it was train fares. So more expensive.

She did at the time claim child benefit for me however.

OhTheRoses · 29/10/2016 21:55

Hmm. Why's she taking up guitar at 17? We pay for our 18 year old's singing lessons but she's already grade 8 and has only just decided against the conservatoire route next. We would happily fund her to develop her voice further just for the sake of it. Ifcshe'd tried carious instruments,and never got beyond gr 1 or 2, probably not.

roarfeckingroar · 29/10/2016 21:58

Bloody hell. She's only 17 and both studying and working. Can't believe you're asking.

QueenLizIII · 29/10/2016 22:04

Bloody hell. She's only 17 and both studying and working. Can't believe you're asking.

because the OP isnt minted and cant exactly afford it. So the OP should pay what she wants just because she wants it when she is a month off being an adult?

The OP says:
I always pay for her to go to the cinema, spending money for shopping, if we are out, I'll buy her what she wants, etc.

Ok so the OP should fund more. IMO the instrument thing....well starting at almost 18, she wont get that good it has to be said. If she is at college and going to uni she wont have the time to put in the practice to get to the high grades and do the exams. If she just wants it for fun she can pay for the odd lesson here and there. Is she going to rent an instrument or is the OP expected to buy one too.

As for the sport, cant she wait for University? They have sports clubs in pretty much everything.

gillybeanz · 29/10/2016 22:09

I pay for educational things up to leaving compulsory education.
it there are club membership, lessons, classes etc they have done for years and are committed I would carry on until they decided they had to stop, maybe if they moved away, clashed with job, etc.

I think it's great that she wants to do something other than getting drunk and hanging about on street corners, like so many teens round here do.

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