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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want more in a final settlement from ex

118 replies

Nosocksevermatchup · 28/10/2016 09:50

We have split up, sold the house and we will get half each.

I want more than half as my ex has three other houses,vehicle he owns outright, a business and a pension which I am not entitled to as we weren't married. All of these were bought while we were together with 'his' money. This is one of the main reasons we split
He says I'm not entitled to any more than this as I received some inheritance when my mum recently died, this equates to less than the value one of his houses.
I know by law I'm not entitled to any more as we were never married.
Am I being unreasonable to ask? He has always been financially controlling. Or should I just walk away?

OP posts:
meditrina · 28/10/2016 13:48

Nosocks knows she's not entitled to more - it's right there is the opening post

The question was whether it was worth trying to negotiate for more. And my answer, as you've already said he has a track record of being financially controlling, is 'no'. You could spend a lot of time, energy and emotion, as well as cash, for very uncertain result. And of course he would still be right in the picture whilst it all went on.

You could instead walk away now, and put the time, energy and emotion into your new life free of him.

Bluesrunthegame · 28/10/2016 14:05

When EXP and I did mediation, we were told that the lack of a wedding ring made no difference to how everything was divided. He had accrued himself a nice little nest egg and I got some of it! He still lied about his job situation and other stuff, but I'm still glad we did mediation not a court battle as I think I'd still be paying solicitors' fees.

thisisafakename · 28/10/2016 15:21

When EXP and I did mediation, we were told that the lack of a wedding ring made no difference to how everything was divided

OK, well if you did mediation in this country, that is completely incorrect unless what you had was already in joint names or if you were awarded something for the benefit of any children you had. Also, the mediator's role in this country is not to give legal advice and in fact s/he must not give legal advice. Agreements made in mediation are also not binding on the parties and the mediation process is entirely voluntary.

I am just pointing this out in case anyone reads this and gets the wrong idea. Mediation is certainly an option but there is no point going unless the other person is on board with giving you something. He cannot be forced by the mediator to do so and can walk away from the process at any time.

HereIAm20 · 28/10/2016 18:26

Op - just skip all the other posts and read those posted by thisisafakename - I too am a currently non-practising solicitor

YelloDraw · 28/10/2016 19:21

My friend just fought for a larger share in a divorce settlement (valuation dates on the house) and it was a fucking nightmare and the extra money was NOT worth the stress. Honestly wasn't.

FluffyFluffster · 28/10/2016 20:37

No Imperial actually it's not rubbish. I'm not in the UK and in my country, if a partner moves into your house, you'd better protect all your assets or else they will be entitled as if it was a marriage. It's a bit more complicated but that's about the only difference.

As our laws are based on the Uk legal system, I assumed they would be similar, which they usually are.

FluffyFluffster · 28/10/2016 20:40

No Imperial actually it's not rubbish. I'm not in the UK and in my country, if a partner moves into your house, you'd better protect all your assets or else they will be entitled as if it was a marriage. It's a bit more complicated but that's about the only difference.

As our laws are based on the Uk legal system, I assumed they would be similar, which they usually are.

PlumsGalore · 28/10/2016 20:49

May be different oversees but in view of the fact MN is a uk site you need to make your country clear when quoting legislation to avoid confusion.

thisisafakename · 28/10/2016 20:50

FluffyFluffster are you in NZ, Aus or Canada by any chance? If so then sadly, despite your legal system being based on the English one, England offers no statutory protection for cohabitants on separation. The only remedy is the constructive trust, which I explained further up the post and is very difficult to claim. There have been numerous campaigns for reform, but sadly it has never seemed to be a priority for the government.

I don't think your post was rubbish, but obviously it's not going to be applicable to the OP if she is in England or Wales.

FluffyFluffster · 28/10/2016 23:24

Yes I am. But in most cases it is actually extremely similar. Obviously not here which is unfortunate really.

thisisafakename · 28/10/2016 23:40

I know. We need to move with the times. Surveys done on the population also suggest that a significant number of people in the UK believe that 'common law marriage' exists and that you can acquire rights in your partner's property simply by living there. Law reform or at the very least an initiative to educate the public is needed.

lunchboxtroubles · 29/10/2016 11:32

I don't think reform is needed. Anyone planning to have kids should marry their partner. It's simple. If you aren't committed enough to get married then are you really committed enough to have kids?

thisisafakename · 29/10/2016 13:52

Anyone planning to have kids should marry their partner

What if you already are pregnant and it was unplanned and your partner refuses to marry you? Or tells you that he will marry you next year when you have more money and you can have a nice wedding? Only next year never comes around because you needed the money for something else, a house maybe. And he tells you that it's OK because surely having a roof over your heads is more important than just a piece of paper? And you think okay and anyway, society tells you that the man should be the one who proposes and you will wait for that to happen. By this stage you have had another child because he told you it would be a good idea and you hoped that maybe he would propose after that and anyway, you always wanted more than one child. It makes no sense for you to go back to your job- you would be paying all the money to the nursery. So you give up your job and become a SAHM. You mention marriage again and he says 'why fix something that isn't broken'. You get an inkling that he probably isn't going to marry you but you have been out of the workplace for 6 years now. Meanwhile, he has been promoted three times and earns a great salary. You can't complain because he is generous with his money and says he will always look after you. When the kids are a bit older, you go back to work but it's a part time job to fit around school and it does not pay well or offer good prospects. 10 years later, he tells you that the relationship is over- he has met somebody else. The house and everything else is in his name. You cannot show that you made any financial contributions. The kids who are teenagers now say that they want to live with their dad. You are told that you have no entitlement to anything from him. You are evicted from the house and are forced to live in cheap shared accommodation where your children cannot come to stay. You would like to start again, to retrain, but you are in your late 40s by now and have to be realistic.

You might think that I am being melodramatic, but the reported and unreported cases are full of stories like this. One of the leading cases involved a woman who had raised the couple's two children and the relationship broke down after 20 years. She was forced to live in her car on the roadside.

The point is that it isn't a black and white choice of 'marry your partner'. The vast vast majority of married couples cohabit before marriage. If a pregnancy happened and the male partner refused to get married, what can the female partner do? And as I explained in my invented example, it is often a case of putting it off rather than flat out refusing.

The current law permits financially stronger people to reduce their obligations. It makes it easier for them to walk away from partners and families with few or no consequences. They have helped to create a family of dependent children who require someone to care for them, but they are able to shift that responsibility to another person who places herself at huge financial disadvantage as a result.

I struggle to see how anyone can think that is fair and in the other common law jurisdictions, they have clearly decided that it is not. The same is true in Scandinavia and on the continent.

Also, interestingly, before the early 1970s, there was very limited financial provision legislation for divorce too. So women who wanted to divorce would face potential poverty and financial hardship. That was changed because we decided that it was plainly unfair. Now, because society has moved on yet again, we need to extend legal protection to cohabitants.

tiredandhungryalways · 29/10/2016 15:20

The issue is marriage isn't held in high regard. It is now okay to live together and have babies out of wedlock so as in the above scenario marriage never happens and as usual the person least able to deal with it gets the toughest outcome. I agree women ( as the lower earners generally) should protect themselves by not moving in etc until married. As previous poster said if he loves you he will marry you. Blunt but true

BarbarianMum · 29/10/2016 15:51

Not give up her financial independence for a start. Insist on a 50% contribution to childcare and home-making. If he won't play ball contact the CSA. Being a SAHP really is a luxury suitable only for the married (and even then only advisedly) or the independently wealthy.

Bluesrunthegame · 29/10/2016 15:54

I suppose things worked for me as the house was in joint names and I got more of it as I needed to provide somewhere for the DCs. I was a SAHM for around 10 years, some of which I spent going going to university, doing freelance work etc. Had been back working for around 5 or 6 years or so when we split, so wasn't financially dependent.

I just never wanted marriage particularly, couldn't see the point when so many break up. It didn't seem like something that was for me. I also felt that if a relationship broke down, the idea that I'd have to pay money or go to a court or get some judge's approval before it could be said to be over was just wrong. The fact that we didn't make love any more, didn't make each other laugh any more, couldn't stand to be in the same room, despite trying very hard, doing relate, counselling etc., would not be enough, I'd have to find 'grounds' to satisfy some legal entity, no thanks. One evening after a year of trying to get back what we'd had with no success, we went to the pub, I said 'Do you want 30 more years like the one we just had?' He said no, and that was it. No solicitors, no forms, just sorted out the property, the money through mediation, the child support, although he wriggled out of this after a couple of years, but he was a financial wriggler anyway and no marriage certificate would have changed that.

So it might not be marriage, particularly, but having both names on the mortgage, the deeds, and so on that makes the difference.

Munstermonchgirl · 29/10/2016 16:12

It's a bit frightening that some women are very unaware of their rights, and the risks they take in depending on another person financially without protecting themselves.

I'm also a bit Hmm at the number of people who assume the OP was totally incapable of forging her own career, and that her partner's success in accumulating his assets was dependent on her not working.... for all we know, he was earning good money Before meeting her. Also she says she was with him for 30 years... even if she stopped working completely while the children were tiny that's a LOT of years left to be able to earn.

LadyStoic · 29/10/2016 16:20

Sofa I too briefly wondered if our long lost, beloved, warm and caringWink Xenia had waltzed back into the midst of our collective bosom.

But then I remembered that, as well as being an unsympathetic and boasty harridan, she could actually spell correctly and knew how to construct sentences...

Bruce02 · 29/10/2016 16:26

thisisafakename that is why I have told both my kids that they shouldn't move in and become a sahp with someone who won't get married.

Accidental pregnancies happen. That doesn't mean you have to follow the path you state.

DixieNormas · 29/10/2016 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BantyCustards · 29/10/2016 16:51

Thisisafake name has the nail on the head at 13:42.

Utter bastards will get away with it if they can.

It happened to me. And it's not ok.

Richardhun · 29/10/2016 17:34

All young women should read this!
Get married before children. ( unless you are a massive earner who will continue to work, in which case stay single.)

It's heartbreaking reading the stories about women who get ditched after 20/30 years, and then have nothing.

helennotsomadnow · 29/10/2016 17:40

OP for your own sanity walk away from it with your head held high, fighting for something you are very unlikely to get will just cause stress and bitterness. Its like holding onto a hot coal the only person it will hurt is you.

I say all this as someone who was married and totally shafted by exh, and left with nothing, it was, and is hard, but actively choosing to say enough and draw a line has made me feel better and helped me to move on

notapizzaeater · 29/10/2016 17:40

Who's decided you get half ? Him ? Have you taken legal advice at all ??

lunchboxtroubles · 29/10/2016 20:37

thisisafakename don't get into that whole thing. Two forms of contraception if you like until you're married. As someone else has said, to protect women like the OP we need more stigma around kids out of wedlock. It's generally (not always but usually) the men who benefit from not being married.