At wits end with threatening neighbour over toddler crying. Help.

[HavenforHaggis]

My DD is 3 now, she has autism and has recently been waking during the night screaming/crying. This would happen at around 3:30am, I would go and comfort her and she'd sleep until 4:30am where the cycle would begin again. I've gotten so desperate that I've started taking her into my bed but this causes little sleep for the both of us as she then wants to play or won't settle until an hour or so later. She sticks to her usual routine, usually getting up at 10:00 or 9:00 and not making up the lost sleep.

Neighbour has complained and asked me why I'm leaving my child to cry and how could I be so cruel etc I've explained myself and DD but she doesn't want to listen. She thinks I'm leaving DD in a room to cry on her own and wants to report me.

This is the last thing I need as I really don't know what could be wrong with my DD. I don't think it's teething as I've given her medicine and she automatically stops crying/doesn't wake when she's in my bed. I'm not sure about night terrors as she is awake. She doesn't just seem awake. She's aware but when I go in she's sitting in her crib crying. It's a high pitched cry and not just a whine but I don't know what this is or what to do. I'm exhausted and at my wits end. Please. Can someone help?

Does dd go to a nursery? You might be able to access some early support from there to help.

Have you tried a heavier quilt? It made a difference to my DD who also has autism. Something to do with the heavier weight being comforting.

It is very difficult for an autistic child to self settle - we spent a couple of years with her coming in to our bed at 2am. It does take its toll (I felt like I was never away from her!). She has grown out of it now.
It might be worth you finding a local autism charity - they often have coffee mornings for parents and you might get some good advice there.

Sleepy, she is hyper when being put to bed but doesn't usually scream (sometimes she does). She jumps about, head bangs, attempts to eat her crib (we're also working though some PICA), throws her pillows out etc before falling asleep an hour or so later. It's becoming exhausting adding with these nightly episodes.

Check, she's had major problems adapting to nursery. Major refusal episodes to the point where she was making herself sick. So we're trying to see if she can go to our special needs nursery as the environment would be so much better for her.

Just some from me, you must be exhausted!
Don't worry about the neighbour. Yes it is annoying to hear a baby/child cry, BUT when it happens with the baby next door I am never mad at the parents, I just feel sorry for them as they are the ones to have to get up.
She can use earplugs if it is an issue for her sleep.

OP. I have nothing to add but . It sounds so, so hard for you and having a bat shit crazy bitch next door is making it worse. You sound like a good mum and a good neighbour who is nearly at the end of her tether.

I think talking to your HV is a good idea. She may have some useful experience.

Sounds to me like you are doing a great job.

Neighbours seems to have a nasty streak with the comment about the offered bedroom move.

Do take advice but don't expect experts to know your DD better than you or have magic solutions sadly.

I don't have experience of Autism.

Could it be nightmares - sounds like she remains distressed on waking as do I at 40 odd if I have a nightmare. Not an easy one to fix but maybe break it down into two problems. 1 calm the distress/crying and then 2 back to sleep. So 1 may be tackled in isolation from trying to go back to sleep. Maybe a comfort picture book story that you automatically read when she wakes crying or action song you sing could be enough to distract from the distress and calm the crying. Back the sleep being the next challenge then.

We also have the hyper behaviour. She can be dead on her feet, asking to go to bed but when she goes upstairs its like a switch has flipped and she bounces around (disturbing DS) for an hour, sometimes two. We were trialling a white noise generator and sleep cds - unfortunately she unplugs it. It is bloody hard work - you have my sympathy. Try not to worry about your neighbour - they seem to be looking for problems.

The link I posted is for free advice by phone or face to face from a sleep practitioner - they specialise in conditions such as autism. Please take a look - I know of so many families who have benefited.

As others have said, Circadin (melatonin) supplements can be absolutely life changing for kids with ASD. They often have a disregulated circadian rhythm, and topping up their natural melatonin can sort that out.

My 6 year old has been on it for 6 months and the changes since day one have been remarkable (2 x 2mg tablets now as 1 x 2mg wasn't enough). The whole family has benefited, most importantly of course, he now sleeps properly and that has had a positive impact on his daytime behaviour too. It's important to point out, that we never realised what a negative impact lack of sleep was having on his behaviour until he started sleeping properly- we thought he was "fine".

Not impressed with people saying ignore the neighbour - yes they sound a bit of a git with the comments after offering to move the sleeping arrangements (though if it was said after another night of interrupted sleep it may not be a particularly rational neighbour that you were talking to), but it's crap having your sleep interrupted night after night AND it may be that they are genuinely concerned about the child which surely is a good thing?
Maybe try and have a friendly conversation explaining the autism situation and the sleep problems with them during the day when tempers aren't raised from lack of sleep? Thank them for caring about your child? Let them see that your child is otherwise fine? Or drop them a note round apologising again and explaining what you've tried? People get pissed off and say things that they don't mean and chances are that your neighbour just needed to let off steam& to know that you're dealing with it.
Hope you get things sorted soon for your sake too (and for your daughter's). It's crap when you're trying to deal with everything on your own and not getting the support you need. You will get through it, it's just crap while you're in the middle floundering.

Thank you for the links, Heart. I'll need to have a look when I'm in from work as our GP is insisting I go through our child development paediatricians which I'm fine with but they won't be able to see us until December.

Katy, most defiantly not ignoring my neighbour. When she mentioned DD's crying I offered to move her and still did. I've organised for someone to come out and give me quotes about making the back room sound tight. I'll still have a mobile to hear DD but hopefully will kill or reduce the noise completely for everyone.

I've got her night light and music which help her drift off but don't exactly help her waking and crying. Currently dead on my feet in work.

Its horrible when youre doing your best but people just dont believe you, particularly with the implication that you are somehow neglecting your child. We believe you. Just know that we do.

You aren't obliged to make it sound proof. If it bothers your neighbour then she can sound proof. You've enough on your plate.

Ask gp, pead and camhs about specialist sleep services in your area get referrals. Try melatonin esp the slow release type if she's a night waker. You havd to teach children how to sleep snd with asd and ld thats much harder to learn. My dd was a sleep fighter.she has asd, non verbal, significant LD. We've been through it all. Speak to your social worker and your councils noise team about your neighbour. Ask them for advice in dealing with this or how best to get your neighbour to understand that it is neither neglect nor abuse. Also to alert them that neighbour has concerns but what else can you really do. Then don't pay a further jot of notice to your neighbour apart from presenting her with earplugs for Christmas. Some people really lack empathy.

We have idiotic neighbour who told us with a child lime ours we should live in a detached house. Dds been pretty ok since we moved. Previously we lived in a tenement and often hours on end of crying and screaming. Our neighbours there were unfailingly kind even tho it was awful and disruptive and distressing.

Obviouslyn explain to neighbour what the situation is. Invite her to come meet your child etc try to reassure then that this is disability not abuse.
But if they continue being crap to you after that - like ours- just don't spend too much time on it. You have z lot on your plate don't take on extra