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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH thinks his job is more important than mine

22 replies

TheAtlanticWatch · 27/10/2016 19:57

DS is 3. DH works 5 days a week, 7am-4pm. He is out of the house at 6am so I do breakfast and the nursery run. This means I arrive late in the office (by agreement with work). DH does pick up and tea, and I usually get home in time to help with bath/bedtime.

I work PT 4 days a week, but in a job where long hours are expected. So I use my day off to catch up with work, deal with anything urgent, be available to clients etc. Not ideal but it works ok and means I can leave the office at a reasonable time other days and see DS before bedtime. I also work from home one day a week and use the time saved to catch up on housework.

On my day off I do pick up, tea etc so that DH can work a bit later.

Today was a working from home day. DH phoned at 4pm, announced he was staying late to deal with an emergency, therefore I would need to collect DS, do tea etc. I'm pissed off about this as it means I have lost 2 hours work on an urgent job which I will have to catch up later tonight, whereas DH will simply come home, watch TV, eat and go to bed.

DH thinks IABU as it was an emergency and I was at home. I think he is BU as I was working, and if I had been in the office he would have had no option but to come home at his usual time. Massive row has ensued.

Reason I ask is that it's not an isolated incident and I feel generally symptomatic of DH considering his job to be more important than mine, and childcare to be my primary responsibility, even though my job is the better paid (relevant only insofar as we could live off my salary at a push, but not off his).

I never begrudge spending extra time with DS, but I'm fed up of my work taking second place to his and of me having to compensate accordingly.

Perfectly happy to be told I'm an unreasonable cow - have no one to discuss it with in real life so finding it hard to get perspective.

OP posts:

SummerSazz · 27/10/2016 20:00

Ditto. Solidarity is all I can offer as I have no magic wand as to the answer...

Believeitornot · 27/10/2016 20:03

Actually I think yabu

Why do you think DH thinks his job is more important?

Or does he think childcare is your responsibility?

If my DH is working from home, I would ask if he could help me out and let me work late. And vice versa.

DH does tend to see childcare as more responsibility because I sort it all out. He doesn't think his job is more important though.

CheshireSplat · 27/10/2016 20:05

DH and I had a (rare) town and he accused me of thinking my job was more important than his. I work in business, he dies something much more caring. I really don't, but his hours are much more flexible than mine so if we were running late in the morning i was taking it for granted that he would do school and nursery drop offs.

Can you just have a chat with him when you're not in the midst of a stressful event and discuss it? I've been much better since DH told me his perception.

Nurszilla · 27/10/2016 20:06

At face value on this incident alone, YABU because it was an emergency (I work in healthcare so to me emergency tends to mean life or death so DH never grumbles).

However, there is clearly a lot more going on and this is a symptom of a bigger issue. What does he say when you tell him how you feel about this?

CheshireSplat · 27/10/2016 20:07

Town should be "row", sorry.
And dies does. Sorry.

MillionToOneChances · 27/10/2016 20:09

I'm afraid YABU. How do you figure that your DH thinks childcare is your primary responsibility when he is the one who sorts it 4 days a week? Sounds like he had a genuine emergency which thankfully fell on your WFH day meaning you were able to cover his childcare responsibilities. Do you never have a work crisis and stay late?

Not ideal as it means you'll have to work late, but unless you want to share more of the backstory YABU.

AuditAngel · 27/10/2016 20:14

I do drop off every day, on the rare occasion I don't, my mum (who lives with us) does it, or even my sister. DH does work anti social hours, but he is not keen to share the burden.

My mum us away in a couple of weeks, so DH will need to pull his weight and do extra pick ups. He will just think I should do them, despite us both working. He works for his family business, I am employed externally

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 27/10/2016 20:17

Unless a positive deluge of drip, drip, drip is coming, I'm afraid I think YABU.

One way to test the theory though, is to have a work "emergency" of your own. Then see whether hubby is willing to down tools to pick up the childcare slack.

Original poster

TheAtlanticWatch · 27/10/2016 20:18

Thanks all, appreciate the responses. I think I have probably overreacted tonight. Just to be clear, we split the childcare (I do mornings, he does early evenings), but there is a history of my work accommodating any change to routine/emergencies, largely because my manager is fairly laid back about what hours I do provided the work gets done. I suppose I'm lucky to have that flexibility but get a bit sensitive about DH assuming that if I am working at home then I am on call for childcare and domestic matters, whereas I wouldn't expect the same of him.

It wasn't life or death, it was a problem at work that he needed to fix.

Yes, a proper chat when we have calmed down will no doubt clear the air. Thanks guys for your help.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheAtlanticWatch · 27/10/2016 20:19

Oh and sorry if it sounded like I was drip feeding, not my intention. Not a very prolific poster and was worried about being too long winded!

OP posts:

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 27/10/2016 20:19

Aaargh, I just used the mumsnet scourge, "hubby".

Original poster

TheAtlanticWatch · 27/10/2016 20:21

Very

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 27/10/2016 20:24

I would only be angry if it wasn't an emergency.....,,,

If he was a firefighter or similar then I would understand

But otherwise I get your point. I'm assuming you believe that he could have indeed told his manager that he had CC issues and someone else in the workplace could have dealt with the emergency?

ANewStartOverseas · 27/10/2016 20:44

The problem you have is that working from home=being available as if you weren't really working for most people.

YANBU to say he should treat the day where you are at home as if you were working out of home.
YABU to think that it also automatically means that you get to work and he has to make do with his urgent request/work.
YANBU to think that it works both ways so if you have an urgent work to do then he will have to step up too (even though is suspect that because you are the one who is working late, it's always going to work that way)

Essentially, I suspect that if he had asked your u if it was OK for you to do pick up today, you would have said yes.
But it was just 'announced' and forced into you so you are getting angry, with reasons TBH.
I would ask him how he would feel if one morning you were just telling him you have to go in early, no other way and announce he has to do the school run. I suspect it would t go down very well....

whatishistory · 27/10/2016 20:48

YANBU to be annoyed, but is it maybe more due to the idea that if you're working at home 'it doesn't matter/nobody will know' attitude? I have very flexible work and can work from home a lot. I ended up covering a lot of childcare emergencies when DH worked because it was perceived as not such a big deal for me because I wouldn't be 'letting anyone down.' The fact that I would still need to do that work at some point got lost.

Sparklesilverglitter · 27/10/2016 20:50

It sounds you two split childcare fairly generally so maybe he did have an emergency today, no maybe it's not ideal but when are emergencies at work

pumpkinpie71 · 27/10/2016 20:53

You two have a good split of childcare by the sounds of it.

Emergencies do happen at work, DH works from home 1 day a week and I have had to ask him to pick the DC up before now when I've had trouble with a client. It's not ideal but emergencies at work are not uncommon and DC have to picked up

Original poster

TheAtlanticWatch · 27/10/2016 20:56

Thanks guys, you've all really helped and I'm grateful for the responses.

You're all spot on with what you have said and we've both calmed down and had a good chat and both feel better about it.

OP posts:

Eatthecake · 27/10/2016 20:57

It certainly sounds like you split childcare equally and fairly in general which is great to read.

If I had an emergency at work and dh was working from home I would ask him to pick our DC from nursery and teens from club because they need picking up and if I was at work, i would expect DH to without fuss if he was home because we are a team and I would certainly do it if I was the one at home working

arethereanyleftatall · 27/10/2016 21:05

It doesn't sound like he thinks his is more important, just that, on this particular day, yours was more flexible.

NewIdeasToday · 27/10/2016 21:18

Glad you've got it sorted. But I never really understand these threads. You're a team- work like a team and support each other!!

tofutti · 28/10/2016 09:29

So you're effectively working 5 days a week?

Does he do an equal share of housework?

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