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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Death ettiquette

60 replies

ReluctantlyRedundant101 · 27/10/2016 10:05

My father died last week after a long illness and some of my friends didn't send a card or come to the house or the funeral simply texted or phoned me instead. AIBU to be slightly annoyed?

OP posts:
Maraschinocherry · 27/10/2016 11:04

YABU

I am sorry for your loss, it must be such a sad time. However, if your friends have contacted you, then I am not sure why you are annoyed. It's very difficult to call someone who is grieving, you never know if you will disturb them or what to say. I would make the effort, and I think your friends who did too are very kind.

Most friends probably don't dare popping at your house because they don't want to crowd you! Funerals are tricky , some families expect them to be very private. Unless you know someone really well, you don't just barge in.

I am sure others would complain that they only received a card, and the person didn't make the effort to call. In situation like this one, if you want to see friends, you tell them.

SpookyPotato · 27/10/2016 11:06

I felt similar when my dad died, I was shocked at the lack of contact my mum had and some of my friends were nowhere to be seen. I would have been happy with phone calls and texts though, any contact is nice I think and that's how it's done more and more these days. It's the people who go awol who I still (two years later) think are shit.
Sorry for your loss Flowers

Fayrazzled · 27/10/2016 11:09

I got over 60 cards when my Mum died a couple of years ago. I can't tell you how much I appreciated them. I never would have thought I'd have felt so strongly about it until I was bereaved myself. I had all the cards up and re-read them and it made me feel so loved and supported at a time that was so desperately sad. I'll always send a card to a bereaved friend, or even acquaintance, from now on. A text just isn't the same. Phone calls are difficult- I'd have only wanted one from a very close friend- I just didn't always feel up to talking.

Lweji · 27/10/2016 11:15

Everyone is different. I don't really care about cards and couldn't demand that friends missed work to go to my dad's funeral.
I was also happy not to have a stream of people coming by the house.
Anyone who acknowledged it was appreciated by me.

It is a difficult time, but don't let it drive a wedge between you and your friends.

Notonthestairs · 27/10/2016 11:18

I agree that this is a bit of misdirected anger. I got angry when people called me after my mum died unexpectedly- terrible really as they were trying to help/support me but I couldn't cope with their sympathy and didn't want to explain it all over again. I got angry an awful lot! It is such a horrible time - I feel for you but try not to focus on what people do wrong. Most of the time it is well meant.

Liiinoo · 27/10/2016 11:22

I know my own approach to death changed when my own dad died. Up until then,apart from the cultural social niceties, I kept well away from the bereaved. I was scared of seeming inappropriately ghoulish or of giving offence.

When dad died I realised how touched I was when unexpected people attended his funeral or sent lovely letters. It meant so much to learn he had mattered to them as well as to us. Now I try very hard to do the same for other people.

shovetheholly · 27/10/2016 11:36

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers.

I think many people do not know how to deal with someone who is grieving and fear getting it 'wrong'. Please don't be afraid to tell your friends exactly what you need - via a text or an email or a Facebook message. Just dropping someone a line to say 'I feel really rough, and it would be lovely to see you for a coffee soon' can work wonders.

Your local hospice may offer grief counselling - this can be really helpful in giving you someone to talk to who is a bit different from a friend. Flowers

Wordsaremything · 27/10/2016 11:39

I always think a proper, carefully written letter on good quality writing paper is the most respectful thing to do, but am aware this is deeply old fashioned idea.

Cards seem a bit of a cop out, but I understand why people send them. As a PP said though, for a close friend I would hope I'd be there for them anyway, if I possibly could. Texts and emails are just the modern way, I guess. Any contact is comforting when facing with loss.

jennymac · 27/10/2016 11:53

I agree with previous posters who have said that it is only when you are bereaved yourself that you realise how much it means when someone shows support or even just acknowledges the death e.g. colleagues when you return to work. When my sister died a number of years ago, most of my friends either came to the house or to the funeral but only those I wouldn't be very close to sent cards as they probably wouldn't have been overly comfortable phoning or visiting. I do remember being annoyed about a couple of friends whose wedding I had to miss as it was the weekend after my sister died. Neither of them attended the funeral or made contact in any way. I know it was the lead up to their wedding and they were busy but you would think if I was a close enough friend to invite to their wedding, they could have made a bit of an effort to make some contact.

derxa · 27/10/2016 11:53

As on most of these threads, it's a cultural thing. In Ireland and to a lesser extent in Scotland, people go to funerals en masse because it's a community show of support. I understand OP and I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

furryminkymoo · 27/10/2016 11:56

I am sorry for your loss.

I would send a card but I am quite formal, if I received a text or call then these days I would probably count that as contact made in the same way that I would receiving a card.

Attending a friends parents funeral would really come down to how close I am to that friend and if I had met the parent, I would ask if they wanted me there if I was able to attend. I have attended one funeral of a friends parent, I have friends that I am really close to where I haven't met their Father.

Please don't there thinking that people don't care or mentally scoring them on these efforts, don't drive people away, if they contacted you then they have made an effort. Maybe proactively arrange to meet for drinks/coffee/dinner with these friends?

ovenchips · 27/10/2016 12:07

Very sorry for your loss OP.

I hope the range of responses has shown you that people all have varying ideas about what is the best way to offer their condolences, and that through simply not doing it the way you would (and have) is in no way a reflection of their lack of sympathy and respect. Just means they don't have exactly the same thought process as you about this!

I think the important thing is that they have contacted you. I probably would find it a lot less easier not to judge those who make no contact at all though.

busyboysmum · 27/10/2016 12:16

I know how you feel. When my dad died I was surprised how much more it meant to me that people made the effort to physically buy a card, think of something thoughtful to say and bring it round or post it. It meant so much more than a text. If people rang for a chat again that meant more than a text or a post on Facebook.

Katy07 · 27/10/2016 12:45

I'd send a card but that's because I hate phone calls and don't think a text message is appropriate. But I'd be wondering if actually I was supposed to ring and that a card was impersonal Confused I wouldn't turn up at the house (for starters I hate uninvited guests so I wouldn't be one!) though I might attend the funeral (but I'm my own boss so free to decide). I think if you've had contact of some sort you should probably be grateful because it seems to me that people are becoming less and less bothered about others these days..

Katy07 · 27/10/2016 12:46

And don't even get me started about announcing deaths on Facebook Hmm

Enidblyton1 · 27/10/2016 12:54

YABU

I'm very sorry for your loss. When my parent died, I was very grateful for all the letters and cards. I was also very pleased with phone calls and texts and anyone who wanted to come to the funeral.

I don't think the TYPE of communication matters at all - it's a lack of any communication which I would find sad.

There have been other etiquette threads on here recently eg. many people think writing Mrs E Smith - where E is the husband's name - is outdated. We can't have it both ways with etiquette. Letters/cards after a death is traditional, however, accepted etiquette is changing as the world changes...

BackforGood · 27/10/2016 12:56

Personally I would always send a card. Having been bereaved, it's lovely to physically have those cards and be able to read them again, later. However, I wouldn't expect to (or generally be able to, with work commitments) go to the funeral of a friend's Dad, however much I cared about the friend.

I've read on MN lots of time that there are cultural differences about this though - I understand in Ireland there is an expectation that anyone who had ever met the person would go to the funeral. That's not what happens where I live.

Oh, and it's a natural part of the grieving process to get irrationally angry at things that you wouldn't normally. Give yourself time and take care of yourself.

corythatwas · 27/10/2016 13:11

Sorry for your loss, OP. To me, a phone call would seem like the kinder and more personal option (and certainly the one that takes more effort) rather than just writing something on a card, so I'd be a bit shocked if I summoned up the courage to do that and then found that I was judged on it.

Also lost a close family member recently, and while her friends attended the funeral nobody would have expected mine or dh's friends to do so- it would seem rather odd to us to go to the funeral of someone you didn't know just because you knew their son or daughter.

Original poster
ReluctantlyRedundant101 · 27/10/2016 13:12

Perhaps for clarity of background I should say I am in Ireland (North) and am mid 40s (don't understand texting when you can phone)The responses have made me see that everyone is different & that I shouldn't judge. Thanks everyone

OP posts:
Welshrainbow · 27/10/2016 13:17

I'm sorry for your loss OP. For me personally I would value a text and especially a phone call more than a card. If your friends are good enough friends to be phoning you at this difficult time or even texting them it means they are thinking of you and want you to know at the moment they are thinking about you. They are also not afraid of you responding and or shows they are willing to listen to your grief and how you are feeling. Much better than all the people who send a card and feel that their duty is done. If they work they would unlikely have been able to take time off fr the funeral, I k ow I wouldn't buy it does sound like they care.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 27/10/2016 13:31

Flowers I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad this thread has helped you to see there are lots of different expectations about how to respond to a death. And sometimes, as a friend, it's difficult to predict which response would be best.

FiveShelties I'm sorry about your dad Flowers I remember that feeling of dreading people being nice to me after my dad died, as the slightest kindness could make me cry.

BIWI · 27/10/2016 13:40

I'm sorry for your loss, Reluctant. I'm in a similar position - my dad died just over a month ago.

I, too, was quite shocked by how little acknowledgement I had. I think I got 6 cards, and my best friend sent me some flowers. That was it.

I was more accepting of people who didn't come to the funeral, because I know it's hard to drop everything (and some people were on holiday). There was a decent turn out, and it was of people who were important to my dad, and to our family.

However, I did also announce it on Facebook. I see no reason why not? Once all our closest, nearest and dearest were informed personally, Facebook was a great way to let all my other friends and contacts know of his death/my bereavement.

And I got lots of messages of sympathy that way.

So I think it's just about times changing.

I'm very sorry for your loss Flowers

Lollipopgirls · 27/10/2016 14:15

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think the art of card-writing is diminishing, sadly. I also think people feel they don't know what to say in a card like that (I know, it shouldn't be hard) so they stick to texts as it's somehow "safer". I doubt they meant to be disrespectful though.

I would (and have) sent sympathy cards to friends, including close friends who I've actually seen and spoken to about it and even though I'm from the digital age. If I had met the person who had died, I would write a short (and obviously pleasant) memory of them in the card. I think they can be kept and re-read in the future and it's nice to hear of other's stories about how your loved ones made them laugh or did something good.

It's disappointing that some of them didn't send cards but hopefully they will make it up by being there for you. Flowers

Bluesrunthegame · 27/10/2016 15:35

Sorry for your loss, OP. Flowers

I wonder if reactions to death are related to age. I'd always send a card as a text would seem intrusive and somehow impersonal and would not phone, unless I was very close to the bereaved person, for fear of intruding or interrupting an important moment. To me, a card is something that lasts while a text doesn't seem so permanent. I'm interested to see that younger posters feel differently.

Any communication is better than nothing, seems to be the underlying message, and a card, text or phone call are all OK.

Pseudonym99 · 27/10/2016 17:14

I think you are being unreasonable. You are understandably angry and emotional, but aiming your frustrations in the wrong direction. Nothing wrong with sending a card or text. If they weren't close to the deceased why turn up at the house or funeral?