I'm so p*ssed off with my ex-mil.

[Stiller]

Yesterday she was banging on my door at 2.30pm. I could see her car outside so I ignored it. I don't like unnexpected visitors much (miserable old cow, I know) and she knows this. I've asked her to phone and make arrangements rather than just turning up, but she won't do it .

She drove off and I got ready to collect DS from school. I queued up with the other parents outside the gate. I was at the back of the queue cos I hate this mad rush to get your kid first. What's the hurry? Gate opened and we all slowly filtered through to the pick-up area and then I see DS with HER. She must have been at the front of the queue and the teachers have handed him over to her. I don't have a problem with them doing this as she works at the school so they know her and she is listed as an emergency contact incase they can't get hold of me or EX-P, but really, is that not an almighty cheek?

I don't like the woman much so I know I can't make an unbiased decision. So....am I being unreasonable?

i would be livid and tell school not to hand him over to her unless you have previously mentioned she is collecting him. if it embarasses her its her own stupid fault. how dare she?

I would have been growling at her, and trying to bite her ankles!

I think she has a bit of a cheek doing that. She doesn't have the right to go and collect your child from school if you haven't asked her to!

She's clearly abusing her position within the school and the fact that she is on the 'emergency' list.

I'd tell her that it's not right to do it and that if she does it again, you'll tell the school that it needs to review it's policy, as she is clearly abusing it.

Yes to the former, no to the latter. It was cheeky of her. Next time maybe you should open the door to her......?

But I bet DS was over the moon. I always loved unexpected visits from my Nan.

Thanks all.

I'm going to get EX-P to tackle her about it.

VVVQV - why d'you think I should answer the door to her? I've asked her not to call in unexpected several times.

But yeah, DS loved it.

Well, it would have stopped her turning up unexpectedly at the school as well

But seriously, I dont see why you couldnt have answered the door and tackled her there and then about turning up unexpectedly (although I dont understand why this is a problem for you because I dont know the history).

If DS was excited to see his Nan, he clearly has a good relationship with her. Could have saved you a trip too - you could have put your feet up for half an hour?

True - that's what irritates me about her. I think a reasonable person would phone and ask if she could collect DS - which would have great.

No point in tackling her about the unexpected visits which is why I now ignore them.

When DS was born she started coming round every day after work, and she once said 'oh, you would tell me if I'm intruding wouldn't you?'...so I did...and she burst into tears - and I didn't say it nastily...just that it would be nice to be able to get out of my pyjamas and get lunch ready for her. Nothing changed even though EX-P used to be really nasty to her about it when we lived together and that made me feel awful. I've just come to realise with her that she doesn't hear what she doesn't want to hear and the best way of dealing with her is to pretend that I'm out. I tend to stay in the back of the house anyway so she doesn't know if I'm there or not.

She should ring. Absolutely. Maybe you can dangle a carrot to try and get her play things your way ie tell her that if she rings you a little while in advance, you'd love for her to pick up DS instead once in a while because he loves the surprise visits from his Nan, but you need notice so that you both dont turn up.

Either that, or accept that she is the way she is, and, sometimes, if you are feeling crap - take advantage of her unexpected visits to give you a break.

She doesnt sound like she's a nasty person, just a bit, self absorbed/thoughtless.

Do you have an arranged time for her to see her grandson?

No, she's not nasty at all. She's just got tunnel vision when it comes to doing things she wants to do. She won't see it my way because it interferes with her plans. She is generous with time and gifts for DS though and for that I do appreciate her.

This made me furious at the time, but I laugh about it now. When I first asked her 5 years ago to phone and make arrangements to come round rather than just turn up unexpected, she started calling from her mobile outside the door and saying 'I'm outside is it alright to come in?' talk about spectacularly missing the point.

And TBH I don't always ignore her knocking and it is much less than it used to be. Sometimes I am grateful for a bit of company - but sometimes I'm watching telly

Bloody MIL's interrupting Neighbours/Countdown

No Kimi I don't. But I really think she should arrange that with EX-P. Also she see's DS at school everyday. I do have her and her daughters round for dinner about once a month though and her daughters do phone and make arrangements to visit or take DS out. I'd jump at the chance of some more free time.

Actually, that reminds me of my mum. I used to veto calls late at night because I had to be up so early in the morning and was often in bed by 10pm. She would quite often ring as I was on my way up to bed and I would be quite abrupt.

Plus, a phone call at that time of night makes you worry and wonder whats wrong. I would answer the phone and would say "Whats the matter??" and she would be all hurt and offended.

I told her I would appreciate her not ringing so late and she asked what time was late. So, I said, I'd really rather you didnt ring after 9.30pm tbh - Im too tired/snappy thereafter to have a 'chat'. She gets in from work at 5.45pm so she has plenty of opportunity to ring for a natter (although she darent interrupt News, Emmerdale, Corrie and Eastenders and more News to have a natter....)

So, for the next 3 nights she rang at 9.20pm, 9.25pm and 9.30pm

Spectacularly missing the point also

Agree with vvvqv, especially about the thoughtless/self absorbed bit and also Countdown!

As for an arranged time to visit - she's not going to arrange that with your ex-p, is she?

Were I in your situation, I think I might open the door to her next time and say "Hi! Sorry, it's an awful time, can I call you later? Thanks!"

Close door and be heard rushing to kitchen/bathroom/tv.

She's missing the point about phoning in advance deliberately, but I think it's 'cause she wants to see your ds so much.

Sounds like you otherwise have a good relationship with her - well done!

I get outrageously p*ssed off about things like that

I remeber the inlaws phoning us once at 7.30 on a Saturday morning, to say they were passing by on the way back from their holiday and would call in - they were about 5 miles away when they called. Needless to say they weren't up, and being a Saturday morning the house was at it's low point of tidiness for the week - and MIL's house is always spotless. Cue mad panic to shove all the offending clutter into cupboards/behind sofas! Fortunately they haven't repeated it since.

True WT. What I was hoping would happen is that she would contact EX-P to find out when he was having DS and then make arrangements to visit or go out with them, invite them round etc.

But, you're right, it wouldn't hurt me to offer her some time with DS all to herself. I must admit I don't like the idea of having to entertain her more often in my house but I wouldn't mind her taking DS off my hands. Not sure if she'd be interested in that though.

lol - LS. My best friend's in-laws do things like that - but even worse they have keys so just let themselves in if she's out . That would be a step too far for me

Maybe you should just take the bull by the horns and organise times and places for her to see DS and maybe pick him up from school every so often. Then everything is set in stone, you know when you are going to see her and you don't have to feel stressed about it.