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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About his beard

51 replies

probablyBU · 24/10/2016 19:33

NC for this because I probably am BU.

My DP started growing his beard about three years ago. I liked it at first because it was neat, tidy and well groomed. It's now almost down to his collarbones and all shades of blonde, light brown and ginger. The ends are straggly and gappy and it just looks bushy and unkempt. My friends and family are starting to make comments about it to me when I already hate it and am embarrassed by it! He wants to keep growing it but it just looks horrible. He has a gorgeous face and he is just ruining it.

He gets food in it every time we go out to eat. It's getting to the point where I just don't think I will fancy him if this keeps on. WIBU to demand he takes better care of it (and keeps it shorter!) or should I just leave him to it, despite hating it? If I am not BU, how do I tell him I hate it and want it gone without hurting his feelings?

OP posts:

Original poster

probablyBU · 25/10/2016 00:42

He does wipe it Worra but only when I pull a face at him! And then he just thinks it's funny. He's a man child with plenty of other disgusting habits but that's a whole other thread.

So you'd be perfectly happy to have a DP who didn't take care of his appearance, Tater?

OP posts:

TaterTots · 25/10/2016 00:44

Are you really trying to tell me that if you'd posted 'Husband wants me to cut my hair because his family think it looks a mess' that people would've sided with him?

Pivoine · 25/10/2016 01:44

It's totally fine to hate his beard and find it a massive turn off. And then it's also totally fine for him to make the choice to keep it. But the reality is it repulses you and if you feel you're less attracted to him with it that's fine too. Just tell him that, maybe? You're not obliged to kiss him or be intimate with him if you're turned off by it.

I get that it's a bit emotive given that we women have for so long been judged and rejected on appearance but just be honest. Say it doesn't work for you. Maybe that will spur him on to change it.

God this is so complicated! And not that he SHOULD chang it, just maybe he might think about things differently if he knows how much you hate it.

JoJoSM2 · 25/10/2016 01:46

TaterTots, my husband has strong opinions about my hair, makeup and clothes and I do take them into consideration. If he started growing a dodgy beard, I'd voice my opinion too. Although I do realise that a few posters wouldn't be complimentary about that.

MissKatieVictoria · 25/10/2016 02:01

I absolutely hate full beards, i just do not in any way shape or form find them attractive. Clean shaven, fine, stubbly, probably my favourite, but past a cm or two in length is where any attrction stops. My partner likes to be either clean shaven or just a bit of stubble, and after 5 years of that despite how much i love and adore him, if he suddenly decided to grow it out, i would have issues with it. I wouldn't insist he got rid of it, as said that is his choice, but i would definitely let him know i disliked it, and as much as i wouldn't want it to, i would find him less physically attractive and due to hating the feel of beards, i'd end up kissing him much less. Personally i'm a big beleiver in compromise about things to do with appearance in relationships. If my partner disliked my hair past a certain length, i'd keep it shorter, if they didn't like it dyed a certain colour i wouldn't dye it that colour. I check with my partner before getting piercings and will with my upcoming tattoos (its long distance) because it's just polite. People can't help what they're not attracted to, to have an "i'm going to do it regardless how you feel" attitude isn't healthy for the relationship, and you can't complain if they decide that want someone else if you're not what they find attractive because you decide to have haircuts/piercings/tattoos/beards etc that they dislike when you KNOW they don't like it.

TaterTots · 25/10/2016 09:56

Fine, if that suits you both. I would find it controlling personally. I suppose the 'joy' of AIBU is that the OP gets both views!

Temporaryname137 · 25/10/2016 10:14

Oh I feel your pain. My DP's lovely sexy short beard is now a fucking bristly ginger doormat with American civil war sideburns. It looks scruffy and I hate it. But he bloody loves it

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 25/10/2016 10:21

Dh is the same, used to have a nice best one and now it's like ZZ Top

He'll get over it eventually....I hope!!

BumbleNova · 25/10/2016 10:28

I feel your pain! two things - book him a beard trim - does he know such things exist? my DP was too nervous to trim it himself and didnt know how to groom it. just having the sides less bushy and it trimmed will really help. I stopped kissing my DP cos the beard went up my nose... he noticed me flinching and got it trimmed. seriously though a good beard shape like a haircut will help.

beard grooming tools - beard shampoo and beard oil. no more skanky food bits and it will smell better. some great products out there.

if he loves you, I'd be astonished he would prioritise the beard over you fancying him.

perditalost · 25/10/2016 10:32

You can buy Kent beard combs in John Lewis or on line.

pugsake · 25/10/2016 10:33

I love DH's beard. DD2 is three and laughs at him when he shaves it off

The hygiene things a bit mind you.

Original poster

probablyBU · 25/10/2016 10:49

He does style it, uses beard shampoo and conditioner and wax and oil and stuff so it's soft and smells good and is usually clean. I just think it's too big.

It only looks good when I force him to let me bic the edges and blush blowdry it straight.

It's just so bushy and curly! And the food bit upsets me. And the fact he knows I don't like it at all yet would rather have a beard I don't like than just compromise a little bit and have a smaller beard. I'm not asking him to shave it, just maintain it.

OP posts:

Original poster

probablyBU · 25/10/2016 10:50

The blush was meant to be in *s 🙄

blush

OP posts:

redexpat · 25/10/2016 12:39

Is his name Mr Twit?

PoppyBirdOnAWire · 25/10/2016 13:51

Hahaha.

But joking aside, the idea of food in the beard makes me feel ill. I imagine food odours collect there too. Awful.

Even Jamie Dornan would be improved by ditching the beard...

PoppyBirdOnAWire · 25/10/2016 13:53

img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2015-02/10/13/enhanced/webdr04/enhanced-13856-1423592769-7.jpg

Oh yeah...
A tiny bit of stubble is sexy, of course.

deblet · 25/10/2016 14:02

If he didn't have a ZZ top beard when you met him it's not unreasonable to express if you like it or not. I hate facial hair and when my husband grew his for movember a few years back I could not kiss him or engage in intimate stuff with him. It makes me feel sick. However it was his choice to grow it and my choice to not get snuggly. Then you live with each others choices. (he lasted two weeks) I think he is disrespecting you not to meet you half way to be honest. Not sure why someone who loves you would choose a straggly food ridden beard over upsetting you.

TransformersRobotsInDaSky · 25/10/2016 14:05

I get the people saying 'his body his choice' but if OP doesn't find it attractive then surely that's ok to be discussed. I certainly wouldn't want DH to demand I wore my hair/clothes a certain way, but if I had changed my style so much that he no longer found me attractive, I'd certainly prefer to know about it than not so I could make a considered decision as to whether it was important enough for me to choose to still be styled in that way despite this. I would also talk to him about significant style changes I'm going to make (e.g. hair colour changes) not because I need his approval, but because I value his opinion and don't want to make a significant change he wouldn't find attractive.

I am with you OP, I wouldn't like a long straggly beard either, I would probably do research into caring for beards and give him advice on that and offer to help, but it seems that you've tried that. The truth is though that my DH wouldn't want to have the beard if I didn't like it so I'm pretty sure it would be sorted with a few comments, sounds like yours is more stubborn?

ageingrunner · 25/10/2016 14:08

My ex had a beard and he used to make a sucking noise when eating if any sauce got in it. I'm gagging just typing that😫

Original poster

probablyBU · 25/10/2016 16:35

Transformers I think he wants to keep the beard because I don't like it, he's childish like that.

Swear to god though, I am not marrying him if that beard is to feature in our wedding photos.

OP posts:

littleshirleybeans · 25/10/2016 23:11

Agree with you re the wedding photos OP!

Whilst I don't dress to please my dh, I wouldn't wear something that he actively disliked. I've stopped wearing a perfume that he says he hated, though I loved it I can't see the point in wearing something that he actively finds unattractive. Funny thing was, I loved it so much I was wearing it all the time! I only wear it now if I'm nowhere near him eg at work. I told him that he should have said he didn't like it!
I keep my hair long and blonde as that's his preference, I've asked him. It's a lot of work, and a lot of money. But it's how I like it, too.
I do ask his opinion if I want to change it in any way.
I keep myself well-groomed to please him, but for myself too. I couldn't bear to have furry legs or underarms etc. And I get my bits and pieces all waxed as he likes it. It's my preference too! I also buy the type of underwear that he prefers in the colours he prefers.
I look better with make up and I always wear eyeliner and mascara. And I always have my toenails painted. I like to feel good about myself and I like to look my best for dh.
That might sound like I'm sound kind of fifties housewife but far from it. I'm almost 48 and need a lot more help these days
Similarly, he wears aftershave that I like though I've said several times that I liked his hair in a particular photo when we'd just met. It's a lot longer now and I just don't think he can see what it's like at the back.
It's still short, just longer comparatively.
I personally think that it's nice to want to please your partner, and look your best for them.
However, I know lots of people would maybe disagree and say oh just be yourself, wear old trackie bottoms if you like! Don't bother shaving your legs in winter etc! That's fine if that's how you feel. I just prefer to make an effort though I don't mean I'm dressed up to the nines all the time, far from it!
If he started growing a beard, rightly or wrongly, I'd tell him to get rid of it!!!! I'd make it very clear that I found it real turn off and if he wanted to persist with it, well then, he's not be getting anywhere near me!

Psychomumsucks · 26/10/2016 04:20

So you've gone from he gets it dirty to he keeps it clean and smelling nice? Why should it matter if some food spills on it if he clearly cleans it? His beard his choice.

Bananabread123 · 26/10/2016 08:07

I think it's perfectly reasonable to talk about what you find attractive, what you don't find attractive and what embarrassed you. It's up to him then what he does with the information. You would be unreasonable to demand anything.

^
This... I don't think all those saying you mustn't ever express views on your partner's appearance is healthy.... I want my DP to tell me what he finds attractive and he doesn't.... Same goes the other way - I tell him. We're both sensitive about it, and don't make demands. We then take the strength of the other's views into account when making a decision, but don't slavishly follow it. (E.g. A few years ago i was thinking of getting a tight perm... My DP said he really wasn't keen on them. I was in two minds and his views swayed my decision not to). I don't feel this is controlling on our part, just being communicative.

The risk in never saying anything about how your partner looks is that you end up resenting them and ceasing to find them attractive (as the Op mentions), which I would argue is far more damaging to a relationship.

Bananabread123 · 26/10/2016 08:17

I find full beards a massive turn off but if my DH wanted to grow one, that's his choice.

I would find it odd to ever do something that my DP found a 'massive turn off', and still expect my relationship to be a happy, healthy one! If someone is determined to make a style choice that their DP hates then surely that's a sign of a partnership in trouble!

littleshirleybeans · 26/10/2016 08:56

bananabread123
I completely agree with you

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