To ask for advice in handling visiting family (3 week stay)?

[farfarawayfromhome]

I live overseas and my parents visit once a year - usually for 10 days. They stay with us. Since having DD this upped to 2 weeks on their last visit. They now say they want to come for 3 weeks on their next trip.

Our house isn't tiny but it isn't huge. We have 3 bedrooms, one is an office which we run our businesses from (ie they can't sleep in there). They sleep in DD's room and DD sleeps in our room. When DD sleeps in with us she inevitably wakes, we don't sleep well and she usually ends up in our bed.

We both work full time and are usually exhausted by the time they leave.

Obviously I love them dearly and I understand they want to spend time with their grandchild, I don't begrudge them that at all. I'm also grateful that I have two living, loving parents who want to visit, I really am.

3 weeks seems like such a long time to have to have this sleeping arrangement. There's also the issue of entertaining them and generally having no privacy of the time that they are staying - sometimes I just want to collapse in peace after a hard day at work without even making conversation with DH!

Any advice on how to handle this? AIBU for even thinking like this?

I think you just need to put it to them that they're of course welcome for three weeks but you can only accommodate them for two.

No one gets to tell you they are moving into your daughters bedroom for three weeks. Not even doting grandparents.

It's then up to them if they decide to only stay for two or to pay for a week in a hotel.

Just put the option to them so it's their choice not you telling them.

popping back onto this to say thanks for all the advice.

I broke the news to my parents that they are welcome to stay for two weeks but three means a hotel stay for one week of the trip. i also shared a well priced hotel near our house, that's 90 GBP a night. their faces fell (this was over skype) and i could tell they were disappointed plus baulking at the cost (around 600 BP) for the hotel.

they rely on me to book their flights (can't get their heads around the internet properly) and i just can't bring myself to book the flights knowing they might then refuse the hotel!

so i feel like a horrible person. the joys of being an expat....

I feel your pain ! My parents live overseas & visit a few times a year. My youngest doesn't cope well with being spoiled rotten & tends to run riot & behave appallingly as a result. It's now so bad that he won't do what my mum tells him so she's not able to manage them out of the house. All her own fault but a pain when she's here as she hardly leaves the house.

I don't let her stay longer than 2 weeks at a time - ideally just a week.

She's wanting to come for Christmas now & I can't think of anything worse !

I think you need to put a time limit on them or else say they can take granddaughter away for a few days to give them time & you peace

Is there anyway you can stick to the original two weeks but ask them to come out for the other week later on during the year. Maybe as a goodwill gesture pay for their flights.

As your little one is at small you can say that she is changing so much that it would lovely to come out twice a year. Also say it's good to see the place at different times of the year etc.

If it's DGD they are so keen to visit, an apartment of their own v nearby sounds perfect. Can you not afford to pay for it as part of your hospitality. Could DD miss a bit of nursery and be thoroughly spoiled / taken out for treats by DGPs? can they take her/fetch her when she does go?could she even stay at "granny and grandad's" ? Would you feel OK about this. As pps have said, in the last week so they know her routine and she is used to them. Staying with them will really nurture that DGP DGD relationship which you are right to value. And if you have another DC, there really won't be room for them at yours, so this sets a great precedent for the future if you think you can make it work.

I like KC's suggestion too. 1x year is v long for a little DC - it's long for all of you!

If they dropped down dead tomorrow would you regret not having them for three weeks? If the answer is yes then there you go.

Could they afford two shorter trips in the year instead?

KC225 i like this suggestion too and have just made it - 2 sets of 2 weeks would be much better.

i suspect they will say no as it will be too expensive to pay for two sets of flights...they have to catch two to get here - around 800 GBP each.

also i live in a hot country so there's a certain window when the weather is nice - they refuse to come in the summer as it's too hot - which is actually when it would be really helpful for them to come - nursery/school is closed and DD has to go to summer camp.

they've visited maybe ten times since i've lived here and i have paid for their entire trip 8 out of those times..i stopped paying for them when i went on mat leave and then set up my own business as i just didn't have the cash. i suppose i could/should offer to pay for the hotel. maybe this is the price i pay for choosing to live overseas...

MaryMargaret i love the idea of them in an apartment with her - however these are even more expensive - around 160 GBP a night.

also, much as they say they want to be hands on, they are no way going to be able to cope with sleeping in the same room as a 3 year old when she wakes up at 130 and 430 am...they completely underestimate how much hard work it is...it is a long time since i was a baby (40 plus years!)

Oops Missed KC post. Good idea

Yikes, what a shame the cost is so high! Do the costs vary much with the season?

Anyhow, hope you work out something that works for everyone! At least if its not too hot when they are visiting, they might be more inclined to get out and about during the day?

What about booking a week's annual leave in the middle and all of u going on a mini holiday somewhere? Booking a place with 3 bedrooms! Seems a bit of a shame not to take any annual leave for their visit. I know it's not that simple when u r running your own business.

MaryMargaret it is a bit cheaper in the summer (when it's very very hot) but not a great deal lower. and then it's too hot to be outside so they will be house bound which they hate.

the weather is gorgeous oct-april (they did come in may once but couldn't handle the heat). they will be outside a lot when they come in february which is nice for everyone...

at many points, given our businesses (home office), me and DH, DD and GP's, there will be 8-9 people in the house...it's not tiny but it's not a huge house...i just feel so claustrophobic. and with working full time and a waking 3 year old in my bed, it's like a reality torture tv show!

let's see if they agree to two weeks x2. otherwise it looks like i'll have to stump up for a hotel to save my sanity.

Cupoftchaiagain i will definitely take some time off, especially long weekends, as i can be flexible with some of my clients. i won't work the entire time...however this doesn't solve the sleeping arrangements.

i like the idea of a joint break in the middle, but to be honest, they don't want to travel too far/if at all once they've got here as it's a long journey for them just to get here. they want to get comfy in our house and be around DD as much as possible. any trip will likely cost more than popping them into a hotel for a week (number of rooms needed) and they might not enjoy it.

if the 2 x 2 doesn't meet with approval this could be a good alternative!

"they won't entertain going away anywhere whilst they are here, as they want to see DD as much as is possible, they wouldn't leave her. much as they love me, she is their reason for the visit."

"she goes to bed at 7"

So, from 7pm onwards - they could be elsewhere? For three weeks, are there any Airbnb places nearby that would suit? A one-bedroom place for them? Three weeks of sleep deprivation and no privacy is not fun.

whereyouleftitt the air bnb's I've found are a minimum of 97GBP a night. This is for a tiny studio style apartment room. A bigger one bed appt (small) is 120 gbp minimum.

That's a lot of money for a week, never mind 3....still, I'm compiling all the research for them.

As an aside, I'm a bit disappointed by the pricing of air bnb, this is my first time using and researching on it...but that's another story!

I think they should count themselves jolly lucky that you have paid for most of their trips and that you make all the arrangements. I find it hard to believe that neither of them can book flights (travel agents do still exist!)

Frankly, if I were that keen to see my GD I'd be less of a nuisance to her parents...

I think you need to work on not feeling so guilty. What you are doing/offering is enough.

Is your parents house nice in an area of interest? If so look into home exchange - house and often car for free though they use yours,

Phineyj i know - my mum doesn't even have a mobile phone and my dad has an old nokia, not a smart phone. they have a lap top (bought by me for skyping) but are very old school. They are actually only early sixties but complete generational dinosaurs!

thanks for the words of support - I am working on the guilt :)

and - complete result - after I mooted the idea of 2 x 2 my dad messaged to say they agreed! i think the cost of the hotel for the third week put them off...

now the next hurdle will be the second trip as DD will be in school then so half term flight prices...but that's a problem i can handle!

thanks all, you helped me keep my sanity :)

Glad you found a solution!

You sound like a lovely DD far !