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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to my friend?

42 replies

wysiwyg16 · 23/10/2016 16:07

My best friend is on the verge of breaking up with her DP. This is the 5th break up in the past three years with lots of ups and downs during the times that they're together.

It's my birthday this week and she had arranged to take me out for lunch yesterday, but cancelled as she thought he wanted to talk to her about things (in the end, he didn't, he went out for the whole day). I then spent about an hour yesterday on the phone counselling her as he still hadn't come home.

This morning she asked if she could pop round later for a chat. I haven't replied yet but I just can't handle dealing with this today. For info, I'm also 8 months pregnant and trying to get ready for imminent baby arrival and feel like she needs to get used to dealing with this without me, given that I won't have time for this when the baby arrives.

AIBU? and a bad friend? How much of yourself do you give to friends when you're exhausted but you know they're struggling too?

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/10/2016 17:26

Not a bad friend at all. Tell her you're not up to it. It's very simple - you don't have to make your needs secondary to hers, especially when you're eight months pg.

SuperFlyHigh · 23/10/2016 17:27

Damsel but in the case of this woman I know, she is very much dependant on this boyfriend as she has no job or her job she did have involved her working from home. This man has treated her like shit - she wants the whole moving in thing and at one point a baby and he doesn't want commitment at all, just is there "for the good times" - when the shit hits the fan he's nowhere to be seen. In the case of my friend she is petrified of breaking up with him as she's older and says she would find it hard to meet a man. She also has few proper friends.

With this friend of mine it's not asking for advice, she knows most of her friends think she's a mug for staying with him but she can't see life without him!

ComfortingKormaBalls · 23/10/2016 17:32

Shes not your friend to keep bringing this to you. When she gets a new bloke you'll not see her again. Until...

You're giving birth to someone who really needs you. Dump her and look after yourself.

blinkineckmum · 23/10/2016 17:34

Don't be mean to friends when they need you. Chances are you'll need her too before long.

Counterpane · 23/10/2016 17:35

"...she is a great friend and would do anything for me..."
Except take you out for your birthday, as was arranged, in case her stbx wanted to talk. Or realise that you are a few weeks away from giving birth and it is not all about her.

You can do one of several things.

Learn to just go along with whatever she says, i.e. agree that she could try to lose weight, earn more etc. but make sure you put it back on her; "if that's what you feel would help."
Tell her to change the record.
Get your OH to answer all calls with "She can't talk, she's resting."

I doubt she will see childbirth or caring for a newborn as anywhere near as important as her relationship dramas so you need to start closing this down now.

Original poster

wysiwyg16 · 23/10/2016 17:46

Yes she is a great friend but I feel like I'm shouldering the bulk of the venting from this and the 'not having time to deal with this with a baby' comes from the 2.00am whatssap messages with just pages and pages of what's going on in her head that I can't ignore. Or the emails she forwards between them two. I'm not going to have time to read and decipher and advise when I have a screaming child.

When this happens, it's not just a day or two, it's weeks of propping up.

In answer, yes she is really involved in the baby stuff and to her credit always asks how I am before launching into her problems but I'm just tired of repeating advice to someone who didn't take it the first time, never mind the 8th time!

OP posts:

MistressMerryWeather · 23/10/2016 17:47

Sounds like she feels like shit and doesn't want to be on her own right now.

If she is as good a friend as you say I would have her round and suggest sticking on a film. Tell her you are knackered and just want to relax.

You don't sound as if you like her DP very much, is he generally a shit to her?

Honestly, you will be thankful for good friends when the baby comes along.

MistressMerryWeather · 23/10/2016 17:48

X post.

You need to talk to her about the messaging. Have you brought it up before?

MissMoo22 · 23/10/2016 17:58

'There's only so many times I can tell you the same things over and over again' might be a useful response to your friend. Then she might get the hint that as much as you want to help, she's just going through the same problems over and over and you've not got much else to add now.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/10/2016 18:00

If she is a good friend, you need to tell her that you won't have the time to keep supporting her, that please stop passing me messages from ex etc. Or if you cannot do that, distance yourself, she sounds very self Centred.

grobagsforever · 23/10/2016 18:16

Go and see her. You're 8 months pregnant, not an invalid. Go round, listen and leave in time to get an early night. Simple.

I say this as someone who was widowed when pregnant with DD2. I needed my friends so very much then. Now I am a full time working lone parent to a six and two year old and am exhausted every minute of every day. I still go out of my way to help and support my friends because friendship is everything in this life.

Your health and well being is not going to be affected by sitting on a sofa listening to your pal. Trust me, DD2 survived far worse in utero.

If I sound harsh it's because life has taught me the true value of friendship the hard way.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 23/10/2016 18:23

OP, if you need a rest from your friend, then take one.
You are 8 months gone, relax.
Your friend will be back with her DP very soon.
Just reschedule for another day, no harm done 💐

Original poster

wysiwyg16 · 23/10/2016 18:43

grobags - no, I'm not an invalid. What I am is knackered and stressed enough with my own shit to sort without sitting through, what is essentially, relationship Groundhog Day. This isn't a case of me giving her a hug, agreeing he's an arsehole and denigrating men over a bottle of wine. This is 'why does he do this?' (I don't know) 'what would you do?' (I've already told you) 'maybe I should do this' (do that if you think it will work) and repeat.

OP posts:

emotionsecho · 23/10/2016 18:56

You say she is a great friend that would do anything for you except prioritise you and your plans for a day out for your birthday, you were dropped like a stone.

This is all about her, her problems, her wants, her needs and her expectation you will use your time to accommodate them but she will not use her time for you for an event you had already planned, you weren't dropped for an emergency which would be perfectly acceptable and understandable you were dropped for round whatever of an ongoing unchanging situation.

If she is as good a friend as you say then you should be able to be honest with her and tell her you were disappointed that she cancelled on you yesterday, then spent an hour counselling her, that you will not be able to give so much of yourself or your time once the baby has arrived and you can't be expected to read and advise on reams of texts/e-mails and, finally, that you have given her all the advice you can, the situation hasn't changed, your advice won't change but you will support her whatever she decides to do.

OzzieFem · 23/10/2016 19:23

Tell her to see a professional counsellor.

ThePinkOcelot · 23/10/2016 20:49

I know exactly how you feel. Been having the same conversation with my ds - for the past 14 years!!x

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/10/2016 22:05

Put your needs first here, without a qualm. Even if you weren't pg, were at the peak of health and brimming with energy - she is draining you and utilising you. She is ignoring normal boundaries and uninterested in giving your needs and feelings equal status.

As if the friendship is 9:1 her needs to yours, and you're supposed to be grateful for your meagre share.

And yes - you cannot offer her anything like this kind of service (and she is treating you like an unpaid service provider) when your baby comes along.

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