to insist my father not see his gd?

[NENEandLEXI]

I decided when pregnant that my father would not be permitted to see my dd. for whatever the reason, my mother has stayed with him for the past 29 years, only recently to have been asked for a divorce for the second time. she still does not believe that they will not be together, she is in a sort of denial.

my entire childhood, my father has beat and belittled my mother in front of us kids, ran around and cheated, and been a closet alcholic. my mother denies that he drinks, anymore...and says he hasnt hit her in years....but i remeber all too well and i think she is covering for him.

while in delivery, i had called my mom to let her know. she came to the hospital and brought my dad, knowing full well about my feelings about him and trying to keep him out of my life. she came in while i was in labor, and sked if he could come in to see me. i could have killed her. i told her no way. he came to the hospital the next day early in the morning and by himself. i was too chicken to tell him to go away. i let him hold my baby, the whole time my stomache churning.

my mom wants me to come over, she has only seen the baby a handful of times and she is 3 months already. i wont because i cant trust that he is not there. and i am too much of a coward to say anything to his face.

i think that the decision is entirely yours.

If your father was abusive to you and he is a threat to your dd then it is perfectly acceptable. You will just have to be firm with your mum. tell her to coem see baby at your house when you know he is at work, etc.

If he was abusive to her, but not to you, then 'perhaps' you have to consider that their relationship is seperate to yours. If she has stayed with him then it is almost as much her fault as his.

Either way, good luck.

Very tricky, esp for your mum if this is still going on.

I think, as difficult as it may be, you should try and summon up the enery and speak to him about it.

don't think I would let him near by dc but very difficult situation altogether.

it is tricky. he was never absive to us kids...well emotionally, yes. i moved out by age of 16. i do feel for my mum, its such a hard situation. i feel like she is still choosing him and his feelings above all else. even if i call to talk to her, its a one sided conversation and all about him.

now, my sister still lives at home and has a ds...my dad is terrific with him. maybe i am trying to punish him and are using my dd as a way to do it. i hate to think that that is the case though. should i consider my realtiionship with my father as seperate from my parents?

Oh sh*t that is not an easy one.

When you become a parent you stop being a child first. Do what you have to do for the best for your child.

perhaps you need to work on your relationship with your father before you bring your dd into it.
have you been to counselling?

I don't think a violent drunk is a fit to be a grandparent with regular access to a child, tbh. Can you arrange to meet your mum somewhere in public, so you'd be able to tell whether your father is with her before you decide whether to stay? In a cafe, or something? (Pref. one that doesn't serve alcohol.)

When you say she 'brought' your dad to hospital, is it possible he insisted on coming and she finds it impossible to refuse him? If he beats her and belittles her, she will find it hard to make decisions for herself...

No we havent been to counseling, and i dont really want to go. he has gone on his own, and it didnt seem to help at all. i dont fear for my safelty or even my dd, its jsut that that argue so much i would not want her to be exposed to that.

and tbh, my mum probably wanted my dad to come to the hospital, she prob thought of it as a chance to be with him...maybe thinking that they would get along or something...she is always trying to bring him to family gatherings and such, and the rest of my extended doesnt appreciate it much either.

and it is a tough decision, i mean really. b/c it has affected my relationship with my mum as well. and now it affects my dd realtionship w her granmummy. i dont know. wish i didnt have to deal with this all, wish my family was on the normal side.

yes, it is how not allowing your df to see dc will affect your relationship to your mum that I see as the big problem here.

I note from your post that your mother says your father is not drinking or beating her any more. I do think perhaps that your hatred of your father's past behaviour means you don't want to beleive that he's reformed now. Thing is, you can't really cut your father totally out or your family life while he and your mother are living in the same house, because you're putting your mother in a pretty grim position. As other posters have said, you might find some sort of counselling helpful, because your DD, as she grows up, is likely to want a relationship with her GF no matter what you think about the idea.

I would not allow an abusive alcoholic near my child. He blighted your childhood and caused you to leave the family home when you little more than a child yourself. YANBU to keep your distance from him.

my sister still lives at home and has a ds...my dad is terrific with him. maybe i am trying to punish him and are using my dd as a way to do it. i hate to think that that is the case though.

Why would you think his relationship with your child would be different?

ZOMBIE!!!!!

This baby will be going to High school soon.

How did this appear in my AIBU today?

Oh ffs why just why?
11 freaking years!!!ñ