To think there's absolutely nothing we can do about SIL bullying FIL?

[user1476140278]

FIL is 70. He's had a lot of illness in the past 10 years including cancer and osteoporosis.

He is however very much an active man...he gardens all day long and meets his many friends for lunches...he goes out one evening a week and has a nice time with his old workmates...he also volunteers.

But he is still a little delicate because of his conditions. His cancer was prostate which means he has ongoing checks and tests and it is stressful.

Now he lives with his DD...my DH's sister. She's a bully. She is 46 and has one son...a toddler. She had this child via a donor...and so she's on her own and under a lot of pressure with that.

Basically she's bullying FIL under his own roof. She shouts and snaps at him all the time...if you saw it you'd be it's things like "DAD! SHUT THE DOOR FOR GOD"S SAKE!!!"

In a loud aggressive way. :(

And more...it's almost constant...he wants to plant a tree for eg and he'll say "Oh...oh dear...I wonder if X will mind if I put it here? She's bound to not want that.."

Second guesses himself all the time.

Today he came round to see us and confided in DH that she's always shouting at her son...ignores him and if he cries she screams at him. :(

He even suggested that he (FIL) move out of his own house for a while to give her space.

She pays nothing and he's feeling that he should leave his own house!

DH is upset...and has told his Dad to confide in a friend or perhaps call a helpline for the elderly.

We're not in the UK.

DH is worried about this when FIL is older...living with SIL who is basically picking on him.

But FIL adores his grandson and would never see him out of a house. SIL works two days a week and couldn't afford to live anywhere half decent in this area.

AIBU to feel a bit helpless?

I'd be speaking to SS or what ever the equivelent is where you are the way she is treating your poor FIL is elder abuse and it doesn't sound like she's being much better with her son.

If we spoke to SS what would they do?

Come on op, you're being very passive here. Ok, everyone is scared of SIL but what's she going to do? Shout and get defensive? So what ... things now need to come to a head urgently. And so what if your mil is defensive about her, is that a good enough reason to ignore the plight of your fil and nephew?

I don't know Bibbity...I feel like it's DH's place not mine. Am I wrong to think that? If it were my sibling, I'd be having words for sure.

Without knowing where you are it's hard to answer accurately what that particular ss will do (don't worry not asking I understand it could be "outing") but the first instance would most likely be some kind of informal chat with FIL to see for themselves and hopefully he would indicate concerns for the child too. This in itself may be enough to force SIL to seek some kind of anger management but again without knowing location and more this is only based on uk and Spanish experience

I think you are the right person, actually. If I heard anyone talking to an elderly man like that I'd question them. You are married to her brother and you can say something.

Also I think your FIL would probably like to be part of a sheltered community - he's clearly friendly and sociable and if he chose the right place he could make friends who would be there for the rest of his life.

I would definitely be asking your MIL why she doesn't take SIL in - that will stop her in her tracks.

Don't forget as your FIL becomes older and more frail he will be less able to act. It's far better he does it now.

Blether he would not like to live in a sheltered community! He has a beautiful house and a garden he's worked on for years.

Chewing what would I say? "Fil says you've been shouting at your son"

I can't say that! SHe'd blame him...she'd deny it...it's hersay. Of course I believe FIL but I've never seen this behaviour.

You only need to address the behaviour towards your FIL he is an old man he shouldn't be treated or spoke to like shit even more so when he is housing her for free

If you've witnessed this behaviour why isn't she confronted? If a sibling of mine spoke to my dad like that I would immediately pull them up on it and ask what the hell they're playing at.

Apologies! If she's not his carer and she is getting sufficient help with her child, then there is no excuse for such behaviour.

It's a difficult situation all round 💐 - either fil needs to kick her out, which is scary considering her temper & concerning for the childs welfare.

I'd accompany fil with dh in tow, to tell her to move out giving a set time (which she will probably ignore), & ring social services anonymously. In the meantime, If fil has some spare money, find a suitable local (ish) private rent & just turn up with fil and tell her that you are all helping her move today and don't leave until she does & call the police if necessary. That way she can't say you all kicked her onto the streets with child. Good luck!

We had to do this with an alcoholic & rather nasty uncle who out stayed his welcome (he refused help for years), at my younger/softer uncles - wasn't pretty or nice but it had to be done.

You ring social services and state that your family is colluding in allowing elder abuse and child abuse. Explain the complexities that your FIL won't abandon them because he feels that then the child will bear the brunt of your SILs temper. Both are experiencing verbal and emotional abuse, which social services can investigate. Explain that the rest of the family collude in not holding your SIL accountable and always take her side so nothing ever gets resolved.
This doesn't mean her child will be taken away or that you FIL will be moved to a residential home.
Your SIL has been indulged for far too long.

Oyster I've only witnessed it once. I thought it was a one off. Dh tellls me he never realised how bad she was to FIL until today.

Is shouting at her DS really abuse? I see on here a lot of women posting about shouting at their children...not saying this is right of course but do social services really need to be told?

MindReader I suppose it IS collusion because they're protecting her.

Well...to be fair to DH he isn't...he only found out today how bad it is.

I've just spoken to him again and he said that FIL said SIL also shouts at MIL.

:(

I have no worries about FIL being "moved" anywhere. He's able bodied at the moment and as I said, he volunteers and has a social life and hobbies.

User if it's to the extent that your FIL believes he is acting as a buffer between them and he is taking the brunt of it to spare the child, then yes it absolutely is abuse.

Mindreader. Right. Do you think this is a good plan?

We get FIL up to visit us this week, DH can talk to him further about SIL and try to come to some agreement with FIL about him taking action.

If he doesn't take any action or can't agree to, then we tell SS about our concerns?

Will they tell SIl it was us who told them?

I can't belive this. :( I've read threads like this before and always thought people seemed weak and inactive but when it's happening in your own extended family , it seems hard to tackle...frightening.

.

Can anyone please tell me if my plan sounds OK?

It's a difficult thing to do and being the one to blow the whistle often does leave you open to becoming the scapegoat for all the ills in the family.
If you feel giving your FIL one chance to try to be firmer with your support is the right thing to do (then you can say you tried everything you thought you could first) and if you think this option has a chance then yes try it. Be firm on what action you will take if it doesn't work. However, you must tread that difficult line between impressing on your FIL that something needs to be done and not having him shut down as a further attempt to keep it in the family.
I would gauge his reaction in a chat and perhaps not mention you will inform social services if it doesn't work. Sometimes families can be strange and work to maintain the status quo rather than have outside intervention, even if that will lead to a solution.
I don't envy you OP.

Yes your plan sounds good!

With SS they can look into what they're told,they can speak to your FIL,they can speak to his Dr if they think he's been physically harmed in any way and want to get the proof from your FILS Dr,I don't know how old your Nephew is but if he's at school or Nursery they can speak to the head of the school about any concerns they have.

They can write to your SIL telling her that they want to do a home visit,with SS you don't have to give your name,where you live or what your relationship is to the people your ringing up about.

If you make SS aware of what's going on it puts your SIL under they're radar,it means if they get any reports coming through from a friend or neighbour of your FIL's or a Dr or a Teacher if it involved your Nephew they can usually look into it quicker then.

If sil won't listen to your dh and your mil doesn't take any crap off her, tell mil to sort her out. Get your dh to visit his mother and tell her straight either she has a word with sil and gets her to quit the bully of your fil or he will take things into his own hands and inform SS about her behaviour. Basically someone needs to have the balls to stand up to sil and tell her that her behaviour will not be tolerated. She only bullies your fil because she's allowed to get away with it.

Sorry it's not clear in my previous post but yes that's a good idea.

Can she live with her mum seeing as she thinks her daughter is in the right?