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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About RSVPs and Child's party

53 replies

catgirl1976 · 22/10/2016 10:02

DS is going to be 5. He's having a Mad Science party.

It's a fixed cost for up to 20 children and then extra per child above that. I've also decided to go with their party bags.

I've invited 36 children (whole class plus some non-school friends). I did umm a bit about inviting the whole class but DS has only just started school so it's not like he's at the stage where he's got a "core" of friends and I didn't want to leave anyone out)

Obviously I've been praying that they won't ALL be able to come, otherwise it will be very expensive.

However, I sent out written invitations that requested an RSVP to my mobile or e-mail by the 21st of October so I would know final numbers for the Mad Science people, party bags and food.

Of the 36 invited, only 23 have responded. 19 can come and 4 can't.

So what am I supposed to do about the 13 non-respondents?

Do I just go, great there's 19 coming, that's not too expensive and I don't have to pay for any extras.

But what if they just haven't bothered to RSVP and turn up and then I'm faced with disappointed 4 and 5 year olds who have no food and no party bag (and I get lumped with an unexpected bill for the extra children?) It's not their fault their parents are rude and don't reply :(

Or do I go mid-way and pay for say 25 children (assuming about half of those who haven't reply might turn up)

Or do I send a reminder to the ones that haven't replied (That feels a bit pushy and I don't really want all 13 to come as it pushes the price up but if they said they were I'd do it obviously)

It's not an insignificant cost. It's an extra £8 per child past the 20 mark and £3.99 for a party bag. (Plus food on top)

I don't want to shell out extra money when people can't be bothered to reply but I'm worried about children turning up and there being nothing for them. I appreciate maybe some invitations are languishing at the bottom of school bags but honestly - how hard is it to send a text saying yes or no?

AIBU to be a bit fecked off and what do I do re numbers?

OP posts:
CruCru · 22/10/2016 10:41

Not putting the venue on the invitation would be a good idea, except it's something I usually want to know before I decide whether or not to accept the invitation. If we have a lot on that day and the party is on the other side of London then that may be a no - if it is nearby then I'd probably say yes.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 22/10/2016 10:44

The invites went out 3 weeks ago

The party isn't for another 3 weeks but I want to pay for it when I get paid next Friday.

Mad Science looks brilliant and DS is so excited. I hope they are good! They look good but I guess it depends who you get as the scientist!

I'll do the gentle reminder and next year I won't put the venue (we live in a small place so it's not like London where it could be the other side of a city)

OP posts:
cherryplumbanana · 22/10/2016 10:45

I understand the genuine mistake, people having the day or time wrong, it happens, but the majority of non-responders are just rude. You have the ones who are waiting until the last minute to see if they have a better offer for example.

One poster on a similar thread actually wrote that if they did not reply, it meant they were coming Shock

Good luck OP, hope your child has a great party!

d270r0 · 22/10/2016 10:45

In my experience usually about a third of the class respond within a reasonable time frame, another third in the week before and the last third don't bother at all- but also don't turn up. A lot of people seem to think they only need to reply if they are coming. It is really rude and annoying but if you're prepared for it its easier.
In our school a facebook group was set up with all the members of the class' mums, so there is an invite for all put on that as well as paper invites, helps as everyone also gets email reminders when anyone replys and easy to send messages and replies.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 22/10/2016 10:46

"Lost" invitation is a rubbish excuse if you still bring your child.

Suggestion upthread of name badges is a good way of monitoring who is who.

I would pre pay for 25 and no more.
The first 6 non-responders get in, the parents of any others need to deal with any fall out themselves

3boys3dogshelp · 22/10/2016 10:49

I think you might have sent your invitations out a bit too early op - I used to do this but a lot of people don't know what they are doing in 6 weeks (work etc) so they can't reply straight away, then they forget about it.
I now send them 3 weeks before max, give them a week to reply and don't chase anyone. There is always somebody texts you the day before the party no matter what you do. I'd give people until next week then pay for the ones who have confirmed, but get a couple of extra party bags just in case.

TaliDiNozzo · 22/10/2016 10:50

Welcome to the world of school parties and inconsiderate parents!

I think your follow-up message is a good idea. After that I would book for the numbers you have. If you've made it clear that you won't be able to accommodate those who just turn up on the day, I'm not sure what else you can do really.

listsandbudgets · 22/10/2016 10:54

Firstly Dd gas had 2 mad science parties in the past and loved every moment. Great choice.

Secondly YADNBU. These parties are expensive. Watch has out for siblings turning up too as if they run up and join in you'll get charged voice of bitter experience

TiredBefuddledRose · 22/10/2016 10:54

Oh the joys if kids parties, some rsvp yes / no straight away and stick to that, some rsvp at the last minute, some say yes then never show, I've twice at different parties had people rsvp no then turn up on the day.

Then you get parents who bring along siblings and sometimes even cousins and expect them to join in (maybe at a hall party but not at a pay per head party!).

Chase them up via a note with a cut off date that you have to let the venue know numbers, that makes it clear and doesn't sound rude. It should hopefully stop non responders turning up, it's easy to say turn them away but when confronted with an excited 5Yr old in their party clothes clutching a present it's a different story - I'd be happy telling the parents "tough luck" but not sure I could do that to a little one.
I think sometimes when you do it face to face parents say yes whether they're coming or not, I don't know why but it seems to work like that.

My youngest 2 girls (twins) are having a party next month but have gone for the hall option this time as the rsvp thing stresses me out!

Spadequeen · 22/10/2016 10:54

Years ago for dds party we had to get a specific train to the venue, I put a meeting time on the invite well before the train leaving time as I knew people would be late. We had one no show and I had a call from her mum about 5 mins after we left saying she'd just arrived. No phone call saying she was running late, nothing. Then got stroppy with me! Well turn up on time then.

Woodenmouse · 22/10/2016 10:55

This happened to me. Sent invites out to ds1 friends at playgroup (got a list off his group leader). I sent out 8 I've had 1 reply. Luckily a few min playgroup friends are coming so I know he won't only have one friend there but I'm just going to have to assume all 8 are coming. It's so frustrating. I can't contact them as I don't have numbers for them and it's half term so can't ask them at playgroup. It's so annoying as I'm going to have to make enough party bags but they might go to waste. Why are people so rude?

bumsexatthebingo · 22/10/2016 10:56

I would speak to the mad science people and say that you've had x number confirmed and can you pay extra on the day for any others that turn up. They won't turn kids away. Annoying though when people don't reply and most of them do still come ime.

BusStopBetty · 22/10/2016 10:57

Send a follow up message. Say numbers have to be booked by x date. You're very sorry, but if they haven't confirmed by that date they won't be able to come.

WeAllHaveWings · 22/10/2016 11:06

I agree with pp who says you have sent invites out way too early . Also expecting RSVPs 3 weeks before a whole class party is unreasonable.

I know it's important to you as its your dd, but realistically a whole class party does not come high enough on other people priorities that they can say with confidence whether they will be attending or not. Do not be surprised if some of your yes replies are no shows.

Invites we get usually as for an rsvp the week before, this is reasonable.

WeAllHaveWings · 22/10/2016 11:06

..usually ask for

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 22/10/2016 11:07

Ah I'm glad to hear Mad Science are good

I'm going to do a really clear follow up note (that should hopefully prompt people to mention any siblings that they need to bring)

I'll have a think about wording it so it pretty much says "I need to know numbers. If you haven't said you are coming don't come. If you need to bring a sibling tell me, or don't bring them"

But in a really gentle, polite and non-pushy way. As long as I know by next Friday it's fine but after that....

Mad Science did say they always bring a few extra bags in case and I will do some extra food boxes (I'm just doing a box with a drink, crisps and a mini roll or something, then plates of sandwiches etc so that's ok) but I don't want an unexpected bill for £80 odd quid on the day or to be crushing the excitement out of a party bound 5 year old.

Thanks for all the birthday wishes for DS Thanks

OP posts:
IhatchedaSnorlax · 22/10/2016 11:16

Don't say to let you know about siblings Op or people will assume they're invited! I always write something along the lines of 'Due to restrictions on numbers / size of venue, siblings cannot be accommodated'. I usually still get at least 1 sibling attending who wants food / party bag but I'm quite harsh now & direct them to their parent (unless there have been no shows & I can accommodate them).

I would chase the 13 & then only book for confirmed numbers. Stickers for those who have confirmed is a great move as you can track any extras (& either say no on the day or at least it might encourage the parents to reply next time!!).

SpookyMooky · 22/10/2016 11:31

I don't mind invites going out early but expecting everyone to reply 3 weeks before the party is a large part of your problem here! It just wouldn't be on their radars to check for such an early RSVP date. Two weeks would be OTT IMO, 1 week more normal.

I'd just book for, say, 22 if you really must commit this early, knowing that in reality party companies will be delighted to take more of your money if you want to bump the numbers up later. And send a note in bookbags giving a realistic interval for people to check and get back to you, bearing in mind some kids are at after school club every day and lots of bookbags don't get checked that often. Give it a week, at least, and then I still think it's early for an RSVP deadline.

Purplepixiedust · 22/10/2016 12:29

I would go for the follow up note in the circumstances. I wouldn't have invited the whole class though. When M was 5 in Oct we just had a family party with a couple of friends as he hadn't been at school long enough to choose who to invite. When he was 6, 7 and 8 we had about a dozen kids. At 9 and 10 we took out 4-6 instead of a formal party. Never had any problems with parents responding.

DuckWaddle · 22/10/2016 12:33

I had something similar and people turned up on the day who hadn't replied and others brought siblings. I personally wouldn't do that and do think it's inconsiderate. It's a tough one- if ask as many parents as possible at the school gate and make say you need to confirm numbers with the venue.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 22/10/2016 14:30

Agree about say unable to accomodate siblings.
Otherwise parents will leave both their children and leave, and you end up paying for THEIR childcare!

BusStopBetty · 22/10/2016 16:19

Yes, don't even hint that you can accommodate siblings or you'll end up paying for a gazillion extra kids.

ChuckBiscuits · 23/10/2016 09:12

"I need to know numbers. If you haven't said you are coming don't come. If you need to bring a sibling tell me, or don't bring them"

I think a better way would be to say 'I have the final numbers now thank you - for those that haven't responded sorry you can't make it, maybe next time. Thanks all'.

Don't mention siblings at all or your costs will spiral.

KC225 · 23/10/2016 10:20

It's even worse in Sweden. Having a Halloween party next Sunday (30th). Sent 29 invitations out on Monday just gone and NOT one reply. NOT ONE. How hard is it to say yes or no?

Mad Science sounds like a great idea. Have a great party.

SheldonCRules · 23/10/2016 10:27

Don't leave the venue off in future, it just looks silly and forgetful. Plus children need to know so they can decide if they are going.

We've always needed numbers so put a date to RSVP by and state that places will be booked upon reply. Never not had a response as it's very clear that they can't turn up unannounced. If you don't want siblings galore make it clear they can't be accommodated.