To be taken by surprise by my feelings

[pinkie1982]

DP has a C that he hasnt seen for a number of years. They have recently been reunited. Why do I feel completely gutted and also happy for him at the same time? I'm totally torn and very emotional. We have a small DS and I can see the good points but also the bad points for him. I feel selfish and all over the place. I know it's something I can't change but I just don't know how to deal with it. It's so much harder than I thought it would be.

Golly. Tricky one. Because now you have to share him with another person? Did you know about the other dc before you got involved? If you didnt then I can cetainly see why it would be so upsetting. Even if he told you but you both thought that the dc wouldnt be a part of your lives, well does it feel like the goalposts have been shifted? You might find posting in the step parent section will get you more supportive replies.

Thank you.
I knew about the DC and the situation from the start. Both thought this would be a long way off still, if ever. We have been together a long time and all of a sudden our lives are going to be turned upside down. We have not long moved into a house we are trying to make a home for us (my little family) and I feel personally that we are about to be invaded by a random (although obviously they aren't a random). I don't know how to explain it without sounding like a complete b!tch. I am fully supporting him but crying on the inside at the same time.

Hmmmm how old is he other DC? Why were they estranged and for how long for?

My overriding thought though is that you are an adult who has made choices and went into the situation with your eyes open. So you need to suck it up, his DC never had a choice in parents, and you are the adults.

What you're feeling is natural but I think you need to keep it to yourself and nip it in the bud with logic and compassion for his DC.

What do you imagine the bad points are for your DS?

And are they as bad as the bad points for your husbands child who has been missing a parent for many years? I doubt it.

I don't understand why you are so upset about this. You haven 't said why.

I can't out my finger on why. That's the problem. I am usually such a logical person and I knew it could potentially happen at any point. I just feel completely lost and I didn't think I would feel this way. I am not against it - not in the slightest, it is the best thing that could happen for them both! I just don't know how to get my head around it all happening.

His DC grew up thinking someone else was their dad for over a decade.

I think what you are feeling is entirely natural, and I also understand why it's taken you by surprise. We tend to think that our rational, objectively moral selves have more influence than they do over some very primitive gut emotions. You sound very well-intentioned toward your partner and his child; give your emotional self time to catch up with your rational self, and don't blame yourself for your feelings.

I understand it. I wouldn't like that situation. Suddenly your perfect little family is diluted with an ex partner and another child who is going to have equal attention and rights to things as your child. Family occasions will be with a child you have no attachment to, your finances will take a hit. Your husband's attention is going to be split. It's not ideal but it's not the child's fault and you did know about it. Doesn't mean you have to be pleased about it though.

I think that the unexpected can often be scary - give the situation time though and you may find there are advantages you haven't yet anticipated. For instance your child will have the benefit of a half-sibling who has already been through various milestones (starting/moving up school, growing up experiences such as travel, relationships etc.) You might even get to like him/her. Then again, may be the contact won't last very long. However I do understand your concerns at the moment.