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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think mil can't ignore us all year and then get shitty over Xmas?

49 replies

user1476994074 · 20/10/2016 21:22

I'll try and keep this brief. DH and I have been married for 2 years and over the past 2 years have been receiving fertility treatment relentlessly month after month with no success. PIL's haven't so much as sent a text to see how we're getting on. DH and I sometimes share a phone (we live in a remote location and depending where we are, we can't get signal) so I know his mum has never texted to enquire. My parents have been unbelievable and we see a lot of each other. We live an hour from PILs and 15 mins from my parents. Often it is my DH who suggests we go to theirs so he isn't dragged there iyswim.

Whenever we do see PIL's (which is rare and generally when we host them) they talk only of themselves and DH's brother and it is like we barely know each other. I don't expect to be pampered but this year has been extremely difficult and I am Just astonished that they haven't even enquired. I once raised the topic and all MIL said was that "we should go on holiday as her friend conceived on holiday" not a word of sympathy when we mentioned to mil at a family wedding in the summer that I'd had an early miscarriage the week before. She did manage to harass me to drink though, despite me telling her I wasn't drinking at all currently due to ongoing treatment.

I don't want to out myself but all I'll say is that I had a life changing thing happen in my family this year and mil hasn't so much as asked about it. I found this hurtful.

Anyway fast forward and she calls DH out of the blue to ask us to spend Xmas with him. DH tells her that we'll be at my family's as my sister is hosting and my brother has just had a baby so it will be special as he's the first grandchild.

Mil got a bit shitty and said we'll just have to go on Boxing Day.

Aibu to think: it doesn't work like that? You can't ignore us all year and then expect to spend Xmas day with us??! Growing up, DH spent Christmas only with his parents and 2 brothers. She never had her mother in law or parents over or went to theirs. PILs visit other family very regularly and even traipsed 200 miles recently to see niece for the day. They regularly visit friends who they have to pass our house to reach.

Aibu to think that I don't want to deal with this every year? DH told him that we will arrive in the morning on Boxing Day and stay for 5 days and we will See them the Sunday before Christmas for a family dinner with MILs brothers and their family.

OP posts:

vdbfamily · 20/10/2016 22:55

I will go against the grain here somewhat. You need to have a fairly close relationship with someone to share their fertility journey with them. There are many women having fertility treatment who would not want to be discussing it at all with their in-laws. I imagine for your PILS it is probably one of those subjects that they are not sure whether to mention or not. Does your DH let them know what is happening so that they are in the picture.Personally I would think it normal for my parents to be more involved in such things as I think as a general rule men are less likely to share very personal stuff with their parents(or is that just my DH!?)

BerylStreep · 20/10/2016 22:55

Start as you mean to go on OP. I get on pretty well with my PILs (although to be fair it took a few years for us all to find our level IYSWIM) and we never see them on Christmas day. We see them every Christmas Eve and maybe through the week after Xmas as well.

Why are you staying for 5 days with them if you only live an hour away? Is that not overdoing it a bit? I love my family to bits, but we would all probably tire of each other's company after a few days.

I'm sorry to hear of your fertility issues. I think for a lot of people, if it isn't something they have dealt with before, then they maybe can't comprehend the impact and strain of it on people going though it. For the older generation, fertility treatment wasn't an option, and I suspect that in their generation, many people who couldn't have children probably just found a way of dealing with it stoically and finding other outlets. So hurtful as their apparent indifference may seem, perhaps they just don't know how to deal with what you are going through in an empathetic manner.

SusanneLinder · 20/10/2016 23:11

I couldnt spend 5 days with any of my family. Ever. I love them dearly but I'd rather stick pins in my eyes. Can't you get out of this OP? Invent an excuse

PuppetinSpace · 20/10/2016 23:11

Yes, I thought the same as vdb(as possible reason for ILs' reticence) - BUT you can still do whatever you like for Christmas. If you think you'll have more fun with your family, OP, just do that. As long as your DH is happy with that. It's only your DH you have to agree it with.

Brownieleaderaa · 20/10/2016 23:15

I don't normally comment on posts, but just wanted to say Good luck with your treatment it is so hard physically mentally and emotionally. Don't give up hope I have a 5 year old who was a frozen embryo our last go after 13 attempts of IVF. Not saying it will take that long but don't loose hope, my sister and cousin also have IVF babies (less attempts for them)

Great that your parents are supportive, you need to surround yourself as much as possible with people who try to understand.

Original poster

user1476994074 · 20/10/2016 23:41

Thanks Brownie, love hearing positive stories. Sounds like you went through a lot, lovy to hear you got your happy ending

OP posts:

Original poster

user1476994074 · 20/10/2016 23:43

*lovely not lovey

I get what pp mean about not feeling comfortable mentioning it, but we have spoken about it to them which I deliberately did because I was initially worried that we were excluding them from this very important thing in our lives. This I think is why I'm so surprised that they never mention it.

OP posts:

BerylStreep · 20/10/2016 23:57

But perhaps when you are talking about it to them, they are feeling that you are over-sharing and just hope you will stop?

I genuinely wonder if there could be a generational issue at play here - they may think it is unseemly to discuss such a personal and intimate matter.

I'm really really not criticising you, I just think that this may be an explanation for their apparent lack of interest.

Kiwiinkits · 20/10/2016 23:59

So have you made a real effort to get to know them? To ask about their family, their friends? To include them warmly in your life? Two way street...

Original poster

user1476994074 · 21/10/2016 00:02

Beryl, I get where you're coming from but they're in their fifties and actually they talk about things like how they used to smoke weed etc when younger so they're not particularly prudish.

Kiwi yes I have - I have hosted big events at ours like Mother's Day, Father's Day, Boxing Day, Easter and have always included them. I have up this year when I realised that they actually only talk about themselves and don't ever spare a thought for their son.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1476994074 · 21/10/2016 00:03

Gave up not have up

OP posts:

Original poster

user1476994074 · 21/10/2016 00:05

And we obviously don't talk about our sex life to them, more that I think this is a major thing in our lives and there is a very real Possibility that we won't have a child of our own. I have a myriad of issues and even when I had my thyroid removed after being quite unwell for a whole at the beginning I the year they weren't particularly interested.

OP posts:

BerylStreep · 21/10/2016 00:07

nicenewdusters · 21/10/2016 00:29

I wouldn't share anything personal with them ever again.

Go for Boxing Day, come home late evening. It's only an hour. Be as superficial as them, talk about their curtains, next door's dog, tv programmes. Don't ask them anything about themselves.

DH isn't going to rock the boat, but you don't have to sit in it. What's the worst that can happen if you say we're just coming Boxing Day? You're not close to them, don't rely on them for anything, they're not really interested in your lives. So sod 'em, have the Christmas you want.

Benedikte2 · 21/10/2016 00:42

I'd say go for one day or stay over one night. Tell them that they will understand that your treatment means it's difficult being away from home for longer at that time. Then let their imaginations work.
Good luck re this and the treatment and look after yourself

Fishface77 · 21/10/2016 06:37

There is no way I would go for 5 days!
They live an hour away. Close Enough for quick visits. Tell DH to go but I wouldn't.
Imagine when you do have kids and they want you there over the Xmas period. Will you drag them there for 5 days too??

ParForTheCourses · 21/10/2016 07:58

No way I'd go for five days. Maybe a day and then I'd invite them down to lunch, to see if they'd bother putting themselves out.

5:days....? I would even do that with my parents, especially when only an hour away. Another country, yes but an hour- no.

I have someone who is very me me ne in the family op. You are your dh need to learn to change the conversation and make it two way, not all about them. My relative would talk for hours about herself never once allowing anyone else or asking questions, in the end I would listen to yet another 'and I'm doing this' story and just say 'that's nice' before changing the subject entirety. She got the hint after a few visits.

FrancisCrawford · 21/10/2016 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Camembertie · 21/10/2016 08:07

You could always just tell them you'll need to be checking your mucus/temp etc every few hours and could they get you speculum etc - and then watch the 5 day invite magically change???

Seriously, I have a MIL like this and not going through anything like what you are and find it tough - I think 5 days is way way out of order compared with the effort they make with you - and I think it would actually set a dangerous precedent to go along with them. An overnight, fine, then you and DH need some time doing what you want to do - especially as they are so close by.

Good luck

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 21/10/2016 10:01

5 days? 5 DAYS!? surely you have other places to be?

Spending xmas day with your parents does not equate to 5 days with your inlaws.

I would compromise at boxing day lunch and maybe staying over that night and leaving in the morning. Maybe.

pastelmacaroons · 21/10/2016 10:33

When we're with them we will spend the time talking about them, current affairs, their new windows etc. basically the conversation won't stretch below the surface and we won't have a laugh. A fall out isn't possible under these sterile conditions! Kill me now

I am so glad you have said this! In over ten years we - I have never been able to get below the surface and have a laugh and you have vocalised my issue thank you! Are your in laws mine? Mine also goes on about new windows .

This is our issue - its never close enough to enjoy ourselves, MIL shuts down any attempt from me at conversation and she never asks about me personally or my family. She talks at me - wants me to sit and say how wonderful her cake is - and thats it. There is never any reference to the past - funny happenings nothing. She is also in a constant state of disapproval.

Your right its so sterile! Its like a revelation , thanks!

pastelmacaroons · 21/10/2016 10:37

I have up this year when I realised that they actually only talk about themselves and don't ever spare a thought for their son

same here - the only time DH is mentioned is in relation to me - his awful wife and how much my poor DH has to do - but its ok if he does it in their house ie quickly help out with something, jump on BBQ but in his own house with me - I am the slave driver

I have also always tried to include the wider family its me who has had to buy them all gifts - its me who is the social glue - DH could live without every seeing any of them ever again! I know all about HER - Mils FAMILY, I ask about them - as obv its DH family too - but NOTHING my way - NOTHING.

Artemisia48 · 21/10/2016 20:55

I am either everyone else here and specially with Cookie and Shenanigins.
Dear op you are so NBU. Your view of the situation sounds just true and you are right in wanting to stop that game or pretence. You now have far more important things going on in your life and no time for that kind of negative relationship. I am always astonished when reading threads on MN about the sheer number of dysfunctional relationships between parents/in laws and their children/step children. But all people have to do is stop playing with whichever crap game their family are playing. Focus on people who are positive, who support and understand you and your life. That will help your project. The stres of trying to be nice to people who frankly aren't nice to you will be completely counterproductive.

Artemisia48 · 21/10/2016 21:04

Oh pastel... Reading your post only makes me want to shout out loud to you the same thing as to the op here... Just stop playing to your in laws terrible, self centred , egocentric tune. It's a one way street. It's amazing the number of nice people like you out there being taken advantage of by selfish, controlling other beings. Save your time, attention and good nature for people around you who deserve it. Life is too short for that kind of political correctness I find.

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