How to deal with selfish FIL and drunk stepmother

[user1466488499]

We had our first child less than 3 months ago. DH's father and stepmother live 300 miles away so don't see them too often. When they come, they stay for about 7 days. Both are controlling, selfish, want everything on their terms and treat my house like they own the place. DHs stepmother has never had her own children and has a drink problem. So much so, that I would never leave DS alone with her.
I was suffering badly with postnatal depression soon after DS was born and they contributed to my stress and anxiety by being rude and sarcastic the entire time. They are visiting next week and I have zero enthusiasm about running around after them with a 3 month old baby and dealing with the drunk stepmother crawling on all fours to get up the stairs as she's too drunk to walk. FIL has demanded to spend more time with DS when he comes down.
What do I do? I can't stand these selfish people to be around. In contrast MIL is wonderful and super helpful with the baby. I wouldn't trust FIL or stepmother with DS. FIL is mid 70s and wasn't involved when DH was young so he is clueless when it comes to looking after young babies. I know I will have to bite my tongue but I loathe having them here throwing their weight around and causing problems. Any tactics to get them to leave earlier...? Also, what "rights" do grandparents have - I've always thought it's important DS knows all his grandparents but this lot have caused so much stress in the past 3 months I don't care about their right to see DS....

Book them into a hotel and accept no argument. They sound horrendous and your mental health is far more important than their feelings. Let stepmum drink herself into oblivion on someone else's premises.

Does your husband really want to see them?

I think if he is doing this out of duty he needs to let you put a stop to it if he can't.

They are shit people & he needs to realise that you don't need them in your lives because of who they are.

They were rude & nasty to you previously & I think that you should refuse to have them to stay.

DItto what diddl said.

Your DH is already scared of his dad, don't allow your child to experience anything to make your DC scared too. Protect him from these awful shitty people and put your foot down - no visit whatsover, or at least them staying elsewhere then visiting on your terms.

Do you care if they think you're the wicked one? Whoever stands up to people like that are going to get a bit of stick from them - but personally I wouldn't care.

I have zero enthusiasm about running around after them

Dont then. Just dont. You say your DH is scared of him, I think you and your DH need to have a good chat about contact with his Dad and Step Mum. Im all for as many people being involved in a childs life as possible but not when they are like this.

makes me the evil daughter in law
So what?
Why do you gaf what these people think of you?
They have no 'rights'. You can say 'no, you coming here doesn't work for me'
And that's it.

DH has major co-dependency issues with his dad. DH adores his mum, much more so than his dad and feels guilty about that - that's why he overcompensates by putting up with his dads crap. It's messed up

FIL and stepmother are 75, so DH feels they need to see their grandson whilst they're still around

Seven days? Way too long. EMail to say they will have to leave on a certain date? If your baby is only 3 months old, it's time to have a big long chat with DH about how things are going to progress in the future, otherwise you will have this very stressful situation for 18 years.

" DH adores his mum, much more so than his dad and feels guilty about that "

Well if his dad's a bully the it's not surprising that he thinks more of his mum!

And that's down to his dad.

Now, if it was just a question of finding one easier to get on with, I'd probably say "suck it up".

But his dad isn't just a bit hard to talk to, he's actually nasty such that his own son is scared of him, that's a different thing altogether.

There's no need for him to feel guilty at all.

In fact I would say that seeing him at all is way more than he deserves.

Let alone having him to stay for a week when he has been nasty to his DIL.

They don't need to see their GS, they want to.

Their GS certainly by all accounts won't get anything from seeing them.

It's sadly not going to make them care more for your husband or make him any less scared of his father.

" [DH] overcompensates by putting up with his dads crap. It's messed up"

"DH is scared of his dad and doesn't stand up to him, I do, that makes me the evil daughter in law"

Honestly? If you are already the evil DIL, might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb. Call the shots. Either tell them they can't come and stay they need to book a hotel, tell them they can't come at all, tell them they can come but the first time they piss you off they're out, etc. etc. Whatever works best for you.

DH is in FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) and can't have your back until he deals with that (and deal with it he should). So embrace the evil DIL, and call the shots. You don't have to put up with these people. And yes, you can be the evil DW too and tell DH that this is how it is going to be. 'You're scared of your dad so I am taking over until you can get to a good place.' Not so much 'evil DW' as 'caring DW who protects you from your evil dad' when you think about it.

Mid-70s doesn't mean they won't be around for long! My grandma's 93 and is very much still going. Can you put up with this for another 20 years potentially? I wouldn't be able to.

I'd be putting my foot down with force on this. If my own mother was regularly so drunk she couldn't walk then she wouldn't be coming anywhere near my child. You are not related to these people and even your DH isn't related to the stepmum. He should be telling them not to come, but if he won't, then I would do it myself. If they ask why, explain. It must be quite evident that there is something wrong with someone who regularly drinks to that point of drunkenness. If they insist on coming and your partner allows them to come, against your wishes, I'd personally head somewhere else for the week.

Yes, your H is in the FOG: will he seek counselling about his toxic father? If not, and he continues to prioritise his father over you and your DC then that's a big problem.

YWNBU to refuse to have them to stay, full stop.

I had toxic grandparents and minimal contact: it was fine and good that we were protected. DC don't benefit from time with toxic people.

You've been really ill with pnd so the last thing you need is stress. Seriously, it's not a good idea. Dh needs to reconsider his priorities and put you firmly first. Then he needs to call or email and say that you, as a family aren't up to hosting guests. They can come and stay in a hotel or stay with you for no more than 3 nights. They have a choice.

Whatever happens ensure that you build in plenty of time away from them, 'appointments', feeding baby watching net flicks in your room, urgent shopping. You get the picture.