AIBU to avoid this mum's advances after she dated my au pair?

[Wills]

I had a gorgeous au-pair from Germany. He was helpful, polite, considerate and lovely to have around. Half way through his trip he broke up with his long standing girlfriend back in Germany (her decision) and was a serious mess for quite a few weeks afterwards but didn't want to return home. I would say he was very soft and extremely naive and after his girlfriend broke off their relationship he seemed really lost.

Approximately 4 weeks before he was due to return to Germany my youngest (of 4dcs) started at a new school. By new I mean the school was completely new to the area so although she was going into year 2 all of the children would be new to the school/class.

A week later he announced he was going on a date. Aside from laughing with him at him leaving it so late I wished him luck. Then I found out it was someone from the school. Thinking it was possibly another childminder or aupair I thought nothing more of it. Gradually I found out that it was another mother (so ok, slightly worried as have not met her etc but still ok), then that this was the mother of one of my daughter's new best friends - so now I'm slightly more uncomfortable but worrying that I don't really have the right to be so simply asked him not to bring her home at night as meeting her whilst wandering around at night in my nightie isn't how I'd envisaged meeting a new mum.

Then just a couple of days before he returned to Germany I found out the full story. She's 39 years old with a 19 year old son and a six year old daughter whom my dc is now close friends with. My au-pair has spent nights over there and dc's friend mentions it. Possibly wrongly but I feel that she seriously took advantage of him. I know he paid for their dates out and au-pairs don't earn a lot! I'm relieved he returned to Germany. I know he's technically an adult, but emotionally he was still extremely young and naive and I felt responsible for him whilst he was with us and in an odd way I feel I somehow let him down.

And now..... she's now approached my new au-pair (though not asked him out yet) and has passed her phone number on to me so we can meet up for "play dates". What the heck do I do?

Doesn't sound like she's making any advances towards you op. She does seem to be trying to fuck your au pairs though which is quite annoying.

I would wonder if her judgement was a bit off TBH, especially as she was allowing him to stay overnight when the relationship was less than a month old and she has a 6yo at home.
I think I would be avoiding her, or at least not doing anything to encourage contact.

When I was a live-in nanny in my early twenties, I went out with a dad in his fourties.

Bloody hell what's her secret?

Just tell your new au pair to watch XX's mum because she dated your last au pair and gave him the clap.

And I would agree that it is a bit eeew to date someone the same age as one of your own children.

Agree too that her judgement appears to be off allowing him to stay over at hers with her 6 yo dd there.

I would avoid like the plague tbh, and politely rebuff any offers for a play date. Plenty of other children for your DD to play with.

i agree with perspic with any age gaps where the younger person is under about 25, i question the judgment of the older person in general, it's just a bit meh.

A 39 year old woman and a 22 year old man is not a big deal.
I think you need to keep out of it completely.

If your DD is close friends with her DD then she should be allowed to see her friend. How you facilitate that is up to you.

How has she made an advance to the new au pair, though? If it's passing her number through him to you, for the aforementioned play date, that's not necessarily her cracking on to him - just, as presumably she doesn't see you at school, passing over contact details to another child's principal carer.

I personally find all kinds of euw in dating someone the age of your own children, whether that's men or women - but from what the OP has written, it's not clear that there is a separate attempt on the virtue of the new au pair.

A 39 year old woman and a 22 year old man is not a big deal.

Really? I think it is and I think most 22 year olds would think it was, too!

Nothing inherently wrong here but it would massively put me off her and I would just be polite but distant with her. I'd also get a female au pair next time. It's a "don't shit on your own doorstep" situation to me and I agree her judgement is off.

I would tell her to sign up to a dating agency and leave an aupair of mine alone, it's too close to home and more than a little desperate.

Yeah, that's the terminology I'd use with her too.

It's none of your business.

I think if you invite a grown adult to live and work in your home, you have to take what comes with it, i.e. their private lives too. Would it bother you as much if this was an independent child minder who lived in their own home? I don't think it would.

I think I'd probably give the new Au pair a heads up. Tell him she has an appetite for young male Au Pairs, and makes them pay for the dates, then drops them and move onto the new ones, so beware of her.
Not all 19 year olds would go with and older woman, he may well be grossed out by the idea.

Fyoosha 2 things, I feel that at only 22 he wasn't a full "adult" more of a young adult who was abroad from his own culture for the first time in his life and secondly the aupair agency encouraged him to think of me as his "host" mum to the point where he often called me mum. (Found this slightly cringe making but hey that's just me)

Squinkies - have just had a sort of go at that sort of thing and he managed to explain that in Germany older women do not go out with younger men - so I guess that means he's not impressed either!