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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I wrong to not sit in my friends house and paint it

43 replies

starboyz · 19/10/2016 12:32

Im not currently working, my friend works 9-5.
My friend asked me on Monday if I can come to her flat and help her wallpaper and paint which I agreed to.
So this morning I texted her to ask if she was home as she did not attend work yesterday so I assumed she would not today and tomorrow since I am coming round to decorate.
She has told me that she is going to work and she wants me to come by at 6pm when she finishes.
I would have to leave my house around 5pm to get to her and the blackwall tunnel will be high traffic at that time.
She then got pissed off and said if im going to wait until after 6pm then there is no point.

I suggested the weekend but she has plans.

I thought she was going to take the day off so I could go in morning. I am shocked she actually thought I would drive through the blackwall tunnel at 6pm. She doesnt drive but its common sense to avoid the city at these times.

Aibu?

She has sent me messages that she is always there for me because she listens to my issues but i cannot do this for her.

OP posts:

YelloDraw · 19/10/2016 14:19

Helping a friend paint is totally different to painting on your own when they are at work!

Te first I would do, the second no.

However OP can't you just go at 4 or something and go for a walk round her area, or sit in a coffee shop and have a cup of tea or something?

LookAtAllThesePhucksIGive · 19/10/2016 14:22

Well unless there's a huge dripfeed backstory she sounds like she's been there for you emotionally op. She was there listening to your problems. You needed her emotionally and she stepped up. She's asking that you be there for her physically at the moment. Unless it's really putting you out I'd do her this favour in the way she wants this time. She can always pay you back in a similar fashion another time.

KarmaNoMore · 19/10/2016 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 19/10/2016 14:30

I would never ask a friend to decorate my house for free. . Wouldn't matter if I'd talked them off the ledge of Blackpool Tower.

The only situation I could imagine this request being acceptable would be a quid pro quo arrangement, ie, she helped decorate your gaff. Being "emotionally there" for someone certainly doesn't count as that for me.

I would expect, nay insist, on renumerating a friend who was willing to decorate my pad for me (either monetarily or by way of a gift).

Ditsy4 · 19/10/2016 14:37

Helping a friend is just that. I would do it with her or without her. I have done in the past for my friend and a couple of us cleaned her house out when she moved. It depends how much you value her friendship. Either arrange for a key and go earlier or leave earlier and sit outside with a good book or go to a cafe.
It has been a misunderstanding from the start but you agreed so she is feeling like you are backing out now. Perhaps she feels out of her depth and relies on your knowledge that can make people anxious. She doesn't drive so probably completely unaware of how it is frustrating to sit in traffic.
Like I said how much do you value the friendship?

Redpony1 · 19/10/2016 14:40

Loads of my friends have bought houses in the past 6 months or so, I've helped a few of them paint for free - it's what you do. Shock horror, some of the painting was done under artificial light too and was fine!

ProseccoBitch · 19/10/2016 14:41

Is she paying you or expecting you to do it for nothing?

ProseccoBitch · 19/10/2016 14:43

Sorry OP just refreshed and seen your previous post!

APlaceOnTheCouch · 19/10/2016 14:46

You agreed to help and now your help seems to be conditional on when it suits you. I think you are being a bit UR tbh. If a friend (who didn't drive) asked me to meet at a certain time then I'd factor in when I had to leave to get there.
You sound pissed off about helping her. If that's the case, then don't help her but don't pretend it's about the Blackwall tunnel.

YouHadMeAtCake · 19/10/2016 14:46

Wow. She is NOT a friend and she is BVU!

0urKid · 19/10/2016 14:48

A few times I answered the phone to my friend at 2 in the morning. She was going through a hard time and was struggling. Other times I would take her kids overnight so she could rest. I also bought food and clothes. Eventually she got through it and needed less help. The only time I ever asked her for anything (to mind two of my kids while I had an MRI scan and then physio) she refused as it was the day she always went out shopping with her mum. She also thought I had a cheek to ask as I knew this. But any other day would be fine. Yeah cheers for that. I didn't reel off everything I'd done for her but I distanced myself after that.

badtime · 19/10/2016 14:52

APlace, she agreed to help, but now it turns out the friend expects her to do it all by herself, which is completely different IMO.

diddl · 19/10/2016 14:57

"You agreed to help and now your help seems to be conditional on when it suits you."

Op wants to do the favour on her terms??

How dare she!!

Sounds like crossed wires, Op.

You thought she meant in the day, she meant after work, you thought that she would be having time off so that you would do it together.

Don't know why she's getting snarky though-she's the one who wants the favour doing!

Atenco · 19/10/2016 15:06

I have listened to loads of my friends telling me their problems and I would never dream of using that to get free work out of them. If they do me a favour I am grateful, end of.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 19/10/2016 15:08

I'm confused. Are you supposed to go round in the evening and do it together when you're both there (post #1) or go round during the day and do it alone (post #2)?

Original poster

starboyz · 19/10/2016 15:13

She wanted me to drive to her tonight, work, stay over and she will be at work tomorrow so i will be alone tomorrow doing it. This was meant to be over two days.

I have done a lot for this friend as well with free lifts and listening to her issues its just now i am the one with more problems.

OP posts:

shovetheholly · 19/10/2016 15:36

It's really difficult with friendships - it's so hard to place any kind of value on the services we do for each other. Is an hour of looking after someone at their lowest worth three hours of decorating or four? It's impossible to answer.

I think everyone feels bad when they are taken for granted, though. And it can feel a bit like being a skivvy if someone is asking you for disproportionate amounts of physical labour!

Only you really know if she is taking the piss or not. If she is, then you need to set some boundaries in a calm way ('There has been a misunderstanding! I assumed we would be decorating the house together, and I'm not comfortable being there all by myself. Can you take the day off, or we can rearrange for another day when we will both be there'). If it's greyer than that, then you need to decide how much you're prepared to do. A day's work isn't very much to help out someone who is a real pal and always there for you, but it's a lot for an acquaintance who isn't.

FairNotFair · 19/10/2016 15:45

I drive through the Blackwall Tunnel about 20 times each week, but I avoid southbound evening rush hour whenever possible, so YANBU for that.

If your gripe is genuinely just about the tunnel, just go a bit earlier and have a coffee somewhere until she's home. If, on the other hand, you are more annoyed about a lack of consideration on her part, you might want to rethink your friendship with her. Expecting you to drive there in the evening, spend the evening decorating, stay over, and then continue solo the next morning - well, that seems a pretty tall order.

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