To have pretty much ended this friendship?

[storminabuttercup]

Because DP thinks I've been a bit harsh. Let me give some back ground.

I've known X since our children were tiny but knew of her before then, through the kids we became friends, she has 2 boys, 1 a year older than mine and 1 3 years older. X has and always has had a huge group of friends, she is a stay at home mum and is always out and about during the day visiting people for coffee etc. I work full time so my time to see friends is weekends. So we either met on an evening or maybe a play date in the school holidays

X is quite full on she's very much an 'I love all my friends they are amazing type person' but over the years I've come to realise this is a bit fake, I also got incredibly frustrated by trying to plan any meet ups. For example I would get a message saying 'must meet up soon miss you' I'd ask when was best and I'd get a list of dates they couldn't do pretty much covering the next two months, any meet ups tended to be her and her partner coming to us, or me booking restaurants taxis the lot, In the end I thought 'fuck it' I'm not doing this so I made a New Years resolution to leave the ball in her court, so for 10 months I've got messages asking to meet up, I say sure let me know when, then nothing for a few weeks until I get another.
One time DP bumped into them and invited them to join us on a day out, they said they couldn't as they were busy, the week before said trip I got a message asking us to do something totally different, I said I couldn't because we were doing said trip, I got a reply saying every time they try and meet up we say we can't is there something wrong?
Trying to cut a long story short we've only seen them when we've dropped off birthday cards for the kids, they dropped DS's card 2 months before his birthday as they were so busy.
It just screams to me, we want you to see how busy we are, despite the asking to meet up messages I hear nothing else.
So mid September I get a message asking if we can sort out xmas presents, what does DS want etc, at this point I really couldn't be thinking about xmas and just said maybe it's easier to stop buying this year as we don't see each other and the logistics of arranging to swap presents (as opposed to sticking cards through the door) is a bloody nightmare and has been for the last few years. (They live in the same village but it's the same as meeting up)
I just got a 'yes fine' reply. (Then some status on FB about knowing who your friends are)

So have I been unreasonable? I actually think they aren't bothered about meeting up it's all a bit of a show, DP says it's a shame as we were good friends but I'm not entirely sure that's the case. The whole thing seems so 'playground' I feel a bit of a bitch but I just don't have the time or energy to keep up what I think is a charade.

Not wanting to drip feed but 2 years ago I had a MC, about a week later I was supposed to be meeting x for coffee, she messaged to say stay at home and rest, I said I really need the company, she said no you should be resting, then went out with another friend, I did tell her how much this upset me and I got the whole 'I was thinking of you' so I think this has played a part in the decision too.

Like I say i feel like I'm being childish, but I've not said 'I'm not your friend anymore' it's just more of an I'm not making the effort!

Yanbu she sounds hard work and life is too short to waste on people like this! I would have done the same. Probably sooner as I'm not patient with folk like that. And sorry to hear about your MC op

I've had a few friends like that over the years. It's always a gushing Facebook message (or writing on my wall -- remember when people used to do that?) about how we need to meet up, must catch up, so much to tell you, etc. But the dates I suggest don't work and asking them to suggest something was always met with radio silence. They are often busy, busy, running around and I felt like I was tagging along with errands they had to run, like a child stuck with her big sister for the day.

One friend actually stood me up. She chose the day and time and got in touch a few days before to confirm then didn't turn up on the day. Afterwards she got huffy at ME being upset and said that she assumed that it was cancelled WHY? I hear you ask. Because I didn't contact her on the day to confirm and I didn't text her to say I was getting ready and I didn't tell her I was on my way.

Also the drama with posting cryptic messages on Facebook makes me think that I know exactly the kind of person you're dealing with. I say don't be mean but don't go out of your way to arrange things.

One thing that sticks out. On the one occasion when you really needed to meet up and she was available (your MC) SHE decided that you should stay home and rest. And even if you were resting at home, she could have popped in to visit, especially when you said you needed the company. But she didn't, she had lunch with another friend instead.
That sucks, big time. Don't feel guilty about letting this friendship go.

don't make someone a priority when they make you an option.

as for 'can't chat, we have friends round every night' - well that's a kick in the teeth! how rude! you're right to end the friendship. she's behaved awfully.

I think you are totally NBU.
I understand completely about the busy busy thing and have been through the same myself- a friend who had a whole lot more spare time messing me about when to meet up.In the end I lost interest.
Funnily enough my good friend IS extremely busy but always finds time to meet up or calls me hands free between jobs etc.

I know exactly what you mean when you describe her behaviour! I have a "friend" exactly like that. She is such hard work! I get bombarded by messages asking to do this that and the other. When we finally agree on a date and time she always either cancels last minute or tries to change the plans or turns up for 5 mins then swans off again as she is sooo busy!
She's very generous and kind on the surface but it's almost like she's going through the motions. She always has to portray a vision of perfection so never lets anyone in close. I've tried to distance myself from her too but just like in your case it gets twisted around so that I am somehow being "off"
Too much hard work- friends should enhance your life not suck the joy out!
Wonder if it's the same friend!!

The friendship ran it's course. I think you've made the right choice. I get from your post that towards the end you found this friend draining. To me the sign of a bad friendship is that you feel emotionally drained in their company. A good friend makes you feel energised.

Why is the 'sure, let me know when' thing bad behaviour from the OP?

^This. Totally agree Yvaine

OP has done all of the hard work in the past - she's sent lists of dates, met in places that are inconvenient for her because "friend" wants to, has had to make all the arrangements AND she works FT while her friend is at home and so has rather more flexibility.

What's wrong in asking Friend to provide a few dates and seeing how they fit with her diary, rather than the other way round? Why does friend have a problem wth this? Especially as friend's diary seems the fullest. It would be the easiest way to do it.

I think her friend wants to be the one who calls all the shots and have everybody running round after her on her terms, Friendship is a two-way street. If her friend isn't prepared to make some of the running, then tough.

OP the relationship seems like hard work and your friend is making you feel a bit rubbish as she just doesn't prioritise you. I've had a couple of friendships like this and they haven't lasted. Sad though it is, I think you're going the right thing, she's not going to change. I suspect she has lots of 'friendships' but not very many deep or meaningful ones and that's fine as we're all different, but that doesn't work for you.

Let it go. Let it go.

I used to meet up with a long-time friend often. Then came our families and the routines that go with it, we didn't get to see each other.
I would text messages - ' Let's meet up, its been ages ' or ' What have you been upto?, when's good for you? '. Dates just wouldn't work for the two of us but we would keep sending each other messages anyway.
Sometimes a text is a polite and quick way of saying We haven't forgotten you, it would be great to see you but without expectation of making plans (if that makes sense).

Friendships should be easy with a little bit of effort thrown in. Sounds like you both have busy lives and perhaps it has now run its course.
Do your children ask about X's DC's?
I would be tempted to arrange a day say in two months time (giving a lot of notice) and if she can't make it then that's the very last of it.
You have done enough.

Busy = important. Need to reassured of their worth. Assume they are the only ones who are busy and no-one else is because they never think to ask what others are up to because they need the world to revolve round them, to make them feel their worth.

I have a female relative who does the 'busy busy busy' thing and it drives me batshit.

It's normally people who haven't had a job for twenty years, and are frantically trying to justify their existence and mark time before they die.

I don't get it. If I was in that position and liked it, I'd revel in laziness.

If I didn't like it, I'd get a job. No need to run between lynch engagements with a loudhailer shouting "BUSYBUSYBUSY"

Similar situation to you OP. I have known friend for years and was bridesmaid at her wedding. She was also a SAHM and me a working FT mum. Over the years we have seen less and less of each other. Last December I sent the usual 'let's meet up, haven't seen you for a couple of months' text. She responded saying she had a busy Xmas, had a family wedding in January, so she would text me when she had a free evening. I decided that I would leave the ball in her court to see if she would actually get in touch (the majority of the time it was me making the effort). The next text I received from her was last week!! 10 months later! She said she had a quiet month in November and asked if I was free. I haven't replied. One of her daughters has got married and the other had a baby during the last 10 months, and I havent heard from her in all that time. I just can't be bothered and it seems less hassle just cutting her out of my life now. If friends don't make the effort, it's time to wave them goodbye OP.

Fucking hell, lunch engagements, not lynch.

Seems like there are lots of people out there like this.

I'm in the process of letting a friend like this go. She's always busy! Didn't come to my daughters birthday party after texting me 30 minutes prior to confirm what time it started - turns out she had a better offer. Always sends texts saying she misses me but is never free. Had a text last week asking if I'd like to go out for a meal, i did the same as you and said yes, let me know when. She came back asking if the 18th march would be okay. I haven't responded. If she can't fit me in before then I'm not missed as much as she says. She also has form for not turning up.

I would love to have friends five minutes away...you're better off op!

In my case, I am the friend who is always busy. BUT I never cancel an arranged meeting without a damn good reason (which I will always explain), and I am the first to hand out details of when I am free in order that my friends can book up my diary.

Your friend is taking the piss. If you're doing all the running, she's not really interested in keeping up the relationship.

Sounds like you have both drifted a part, and she is too busy with her own life. Just leave it be.

I think that when you had the MC, she really wanted to meet her other friend, and used your MC as an excuse for you to 'rest'. She sounds a bit superficial.

If you don't meet up, its very difficult to arrange to meet up and she's dropping a pre-arranged meet up with you to go meet someone else then I think the friendship is over. Why waste your time? We have this with people we met through the kids when on maternity leave. We work full time, they are all stay at homes. They all meet up in the week when we are at work and then the weekend are family time so we never see them. Its not worth the hassle, go have a fun day with your family. Save the presents for people you see often.

You are doing the right thing! Been through similar. Feels so much better now