To not want DH to discuss my salary with his family?

[PlinkPlonkPlunk]

I'm considering a new job, and DH happened to mention it to his sister. Her first question was "how much will she get paid?". Firstly, I thought that was an odd question - I might have asked something like "where's it based?" or "what kind of company is it?" or something, but I wouldn't ask anything about salary at all! But then I was a bit annoyed that DH actually told her how much I'd be earning (I wasn't there to stop him; he told me afterwards). Maybe it's because she's a bit judgemental anyway, so I don't like telling her too much, but I just thought that was inappropriate. Am I being unreasonable to ask him not to tell his family things like this? He doesn't see anything wrong with it.

How on earth can you not disclose your salary to your husband? How do you plan anything like holidays/home improvements? How do you plan for your retirements/future/dc etc without knowing what your household income is? Weird.

Guess that makes us a weird couple. No knowledge/interest in what DH earns. I know it's a lot less than me and he probably thinks I earn more than I do. It's not relevant or important.

We both put a sum in the pot (which he manages as he's better at it). We use that for household bills and holidays etc. I'll sometimes pay for "extra" breaks away or one off household things (e.g. just got windows replaced).

I think this is probably quite usual in second marriages. I have two DCs who have only recently become financially independent. I also have a huge family and a million nieces and nephews who seem to have weekly birthdays . The house is in my name and he will share any inheritance with the DCs. He was single with no dependents. It would have been wrong to pool finances. On the other hand, he has got a great pension whereas I'm going to work until I drop, which is fine with me.

Sorry for going off topic!

When I was younger I loved to know what everyone earned. Now I am older I understand that this can lead to resentment and unhappiness. I never ask what anyone is paid and am much happier for it.

I negotiated my own pay deal based on what I thought was fair for me. If someone else gets more then good for them.

PILs would always ask this. We sent our mail to theirs once during a house move and they opened my pay slip. I was livid and still haven't forgiven that intrusion. They're weird anyway tho.

Your sil sounds like my mil, a nosy cow. It is awful of her to ask, not her business in any way, and I would be flaming mad with dh as well.

Draylon, very wise. IOt's one reason I was glad my daugher went to Catholic marriage preparation and her fiance was happy to go along; even if they are not very religious the sorts of questions it makes you think about are vital - do you both want children, what are your attitudes to money. I wish people who aren't religious had to go to those kinds of sessions before they married at town halls etc.

I am sure though that for those living in less well off areas where just about everyone in work is on the minioum wage or under £20k it is fine to talk about pay. Whereas as soon as you have people earning differing amounts - i earned 10x my ex husband; my daughter earns 7x my son etc then it is sensible not to go on about it to others even if your employment contract lets you disclose it.

Also Americans tend to ask whereas in England it is rude and pushy and nosey to ask about money. It is just a different culture here in the UK. If someone asks me a personal financial question (and a few men have on dates) I just politely refuse to answer.

Yanbu my DH family are exactly the same and I hate it. My mum has no idea how much I earn

I'm not sure how I'd feel as my salary is public knowledge as an NHS employee.

I've never asked anyone what their salary is. If it's important to know, e.g. OH, then I would expect it to be shared when arranging bill payments.

I wonder why your SIL needs to know your income?

We still regard money as "our" money and would discuss expensive purchases. We did talk about just getting 1 account but have never got round to it and if one account gets blocked for some reason it's handy to have another one. When the mortgage is paid off we'll move to one account as the joint account is an offset mortage thing through IF who no longer operate so we'll get ourselves sorted then. I still get paper statements for that so my husband can see them as I know all the online passwords and security questions. His is all online so I have to get him to show me it from time to time.

Of course YANBU. She was very rude to ask and he was daft to tell her. I'd be cross with both of them.

One of the reasons employers have got away with paying women less than men for so many years is the culture of never discussing salaries. More openness generally would therefore be a good thing IMO. However within friends and families I can see why it is tricky, it might cause jealousy or resentment. How many threads do we see where someone is saying "my friend earns £50k but will never pay for a round of drinks and she knows I only earn £15K".

I workd somewhere where talking about salaries was a disciplinary offence. I wouldnt stand for it now but I was a lot younger then, and actually I found out later, the highest paid person in the room which is why they didnt want me to discuss it as I was out earning my supervisor.

By the way there is now a legal right to find out others' salaries at your company if you are bringing a claim for sex discrimination over pay (but only in that case).