To not mention my two siblings that died in tragic circumstances **trigger warning: suicide. Warning added by MNHQ**

[user1476781406]

This was my main reason for joining mumsnet but I was really nervous about what replies I might get.
This will be hugely identifying but I need to give details inorder to get genuine opinions.

When I was 11 my Sister died suddenly at the age of 14. She contracted a dangerous strain of flu and could not be saved. Over a few days she got more ill until one night she was lay on the sofa being sick and her breathing went like a rattle. Eventually the ambulance arrived but she was dead.

I was always honest about her and was quite open about the fact I had a Sister. Just two years later my Brother developed psychosis and committed suicide. I was walking along with him and he committed suicide in a very gruesome manner at the age of 16 .I had to identify his body (or remains as would be more appropriate). I came from a middle class, well respected family. It was a huge shock to the town I was from.

After my Brother died I just didn't feel able to let new people know about the deaths and when asked if I have siblings I just say I have one Brother. He has a Learning Disability.

When I do tell people they are absolutely gobsmacked and just don't know what to say so out comes the inevitable 'I'm so sorry for your loss'. I don't find it helpful eventhough I know people mean well. If I'd lost just one sibling I don't think that would be that shocking as a lot of people sadly have. Or if they'd both died in the same incident, again, it might be easier. But the two separate incidents and particularly the way my Brother die are so tragic. And people do ask how they died when you explain they are dead. A lot of people have siblings that die aged about 40 upwards, but early teens is so shocking and different.

My ex partner (and best friend) knows and so do his family but absolutely no one except family friends know anything. I come across as privileged when you first meet me and all people know of me is I'm privately educated, come from a middle class family and have a professional job. They somehow associate that as not having had hardship in my life. Although I'm now a single parent and life isn't easy. They would never imagine I had such tragedy.

I'm not sure if I should tell me closest friends about my past.They have no idea I had siblings that died. How would I even go about letting them know? I feel that I'm hiding my Siblings by not telling people about them but I just don't want the awkwardness. Was I unreasonable not to have said anything for years? AIBU to never mention them to anyone? My friends have never met my parents of anyone from my hometown so this is how people haven't found out already.

I think although life must be hard for you right now as a single mother -you're finding your feet and have a little bit of strength back in your life. What you couldn't bring out to when you were trying to get through your early 20s is now slowly coming out into your daily life a little bit more.

The way you talk about how you have lovely pictures but you're not sure how to display them - makes me think they were once kept private so you could keep yourself protected. It sounds like you'd like them to come out so you can look at them more often. I think that might be a nice place to start.

Things get easier with time, and practice. Ask a friend round for a cup of tea. Tell her about your family. Ask to talk to her not about how sad it made you feel but about how wonderful they were as your brother and sister.

It's ok to start to let their light shine through you now you are in a good place. You sound like a wonderful and considerate friend and I'm sure your brother and sister would be proud of you [flower]

Gosh that's bloody awful, you don't have to tell anyone anything, my brother died in horrid circumstances nearly 20 years ago and I still sometimes stumble when someone asks if I have any siblings, sometimes I say that I'm an only child, sometimes I say I have a brother but he passed away, just depends....

Tough one - hard to bring something like that up with people you've known for a long time.

I think that maybe the only way to do it is when a relevant conversation comes up - maybe about flu, or about loss of teenage children, or similar.
With your brother's suicide, that might be harder for you, given how much trauma it involved.

But when you do bring it up, if people ask "why didn't you ever tell us before?" then you can say "I didn't feel able to talk about it before". And if they have a problem with that, then that really is THEIR problem, not yours. There is no "law" that says we have to discuss all our personal history with everyone we know.

But I also think, even though you think you've processed it all - and you have, in a way - that you'd benefit from some counselling, possibly of a PTSD nature. What you described about your brother's death does sound extremely traumatic and it would be very surprising if that hadn't left you with some trauma scars. It might be more beneficial than you think to see someone about it.

for you.

I think the guy who made you feel bad for not having talked about your dbro was completely in the wrong.
It is up to you who you are talking about your dbro and dsis and if he wasnt one of them, then he wasnt. He had nothing to say about it or nor did he have to make you feel bad about it.
In that case, its' really a case of 'Its not you, its him'.

As for letting peole know, I think it should be a case by case think, and only when you are truly confortable about it. You dont have to tell people but nor shoud it be you 'hidding the information'. Just that you don't want to share it, let's say just like you might not want to share why you separated from your ex or how many partners you've had iyswim.
There are things I dont normally share with people. They are not tragic at all, but just like you, they attract questions and assumptions and reactions that are not always desirable. The people I feel confortable with and that I can trust know.
I would suggest that its the case with most people too. You rarely know everything from someone unless yu are really really close.

I'm sorry to hear about your losses OP.

My brother died when we were in our early twenties from a genetic condition that I share and we both shared with our father (also deceased). It isn't something I share with many people because of the judgements that might come my way (I have children who may have the condition) and I don't want everyone knowing mine (and potentially my children's) medical history.

I also struggle with the 'how many siblings?' question. I usually say I had a brother who died and one other brother but sometimes I say one brother. It makes me feel v guilty not to acknowledge him.

I echo what everybody else says, it sounds totally natural to feel as you do, and it's understandable that you feel uncomfortable about talking about your siblings given the circumstances and the fact that some people are fascinated by death.

One thing that occurred to me is that maybe you would be a good person to work with refugees, people traumatised by war who have lost all their families?

Maybe even say volunteering and coming into contact with people who need someone with your level of empathy and understanding would give you some peace?

I echo what everybody else says, it sounds totally natural to feel as you do, and it's understandable that you feel uncomfortable about talking about your siblings given the circumstances and the fact that some people are fascinated by death.

One thing that occurred to me is that maybe you would be a good person to work with refugees, people traumatised by war who have lost all their families?

Maybe even say volunteering and coming into contact with people who need someone with your level of empathy and understanding would give you some peace?

My brother committed suicide when I was 19 and he was 20. For years I told very very few people, because I felt uncomfortable about it. People never knew what to say, I was embarrassed, they were embarrassed, it was all just too unpleasant and it felt easier to not mention it.

But then, as time passed, people would say "oh so you're an only child?". That felt wrong to me - I wasn't an only child, I'd grown up with a brother I loved - and it felt like I was giving myself a false identity by not mentioning him.

So since then, if people ask about siblings, I just say I had a brother who died, and if they ask more I tell them the truth. It often makes for an uncomfortable few moments, but it soon passes. And to be honest I'm in my late 40s now and most people I meet have had painful life events, not like when I was 19 and it first happened.

I wouldn't feel I was representing my true self if I denied what was a massive part of my life - my brother's life and death.

OP I think you may be missing out on understanding and support from people who probably think you've led a charmed life, having no idea what you've really experienced.

That said, I believe that the loss of loved ones when young is such torture, we are entitled to handle it in whatever way we feel most comfortable with.

I can't help feeling that it's a sign of the times (the age of social media) where there is a presumption that we should all lay our experiences out for general consumption.

For my part, the only person who knows "everything" about me is my DH. Close friends know some, but by no means all, of my personal history - and even then what some friends know, others don't.

I don't feel guilty about this in the slightest. If someone wants to be offended because I didn't tell them about a sexual assault in my teens after knowing them for 5 years then that says more about them than me. The fact I had talked about with a more recent friend in response to an incident of their own is my choice and my business.

My experiences have shaped me for sure, but they don't define me.

I think OP in your case it is more complex as you perhaps feel by not talking about your siblings you are in some way disrespecting their their memory by appearing to erase them from your publicly known past.

I really don't think this is the case. The people closest to you know and I don't think you are under any obligation to tell people more than you feel comfortable with.

If you choose to be more open, then the extent of that is up to you. From telling everything to a very brief sentence such as PP's have suggested followed by "its something I find painful to talk about further and I'd ask you to respect that".

Whatever conclusion you come to, be kind to yourself. There really is no right or wrong way to handle such trauma as you have experienced.

I agree that whether to disclose this and who to, are absolutely your choice and there is no right or wrong.

I have a 'secret' - very different and not as traumatic as yours - but one that I don't want anyone other than close friends to know about because I think it does make people see me differently somehow. I don't want to be defined by my story if that makes sense? I don't want to feel pitied or have people not know what to say if I tell them either. I want people to respond to me as a person not what happened to me.

Your closest friends I think though might be different. If you would feel a sense of relief in telling them and in feeling free to talk about your DS and DB with them and to share photos, memories etc, then it might be worth thinking how and when you could do this.

Sorry, your DSis and DB

Mintychoc .... yes, exactly all that. Hugs to all of us...

Not the same but I lost two children literally a year and a day apart same reason (prematurity) I don't tend to mention it in real life although family and friends know. I do talk about it on here.

One was tragic and could be put down to just been unlucky, happening twice in the timeframe made me feel cursed. If that makes sense?

I'm sorry you had to go through that it seems too much tragedy for a teenager (or anyone really) to have to endure.

I also have a 'secret' trauma that I didn't talk about at that time, so sympathy OP.

I agree with Minty, especially that as you get older more and more people have had their own traumatic experiences so they respond better, or are at any rate less shocked.

I also find people tend to follow your lead in how you talk about it, so if you say it in a way that makes it clear it's in the past they accept that.

Personally I prefer to have it vaguely generally known, so that if it does come up it's not a big deal, but you are absolutely not under an obligation tell anyone if you don't want to. The person who made you feel bad was an idiot.

I can see telling close friends might make for some slightly odd conversations, but I certainly wouldn't think it was remotely unreasonable if a friend suddenly told me something like that. Actually, maybe you should hang the photos of them in your house, then hopefully your friends will ask who they are and you can explain - that might be easier than starting a conversation about it cold?

I'm so sorry op. Fwiw I find its always too early or too late to tell people about my mum's death. I know it's not the same but I think close deaths are like that. People's reaction to being told is quite a good barometer of who I feel genuinely good around.
I have no idea if that helps you at all. But reply hope you get some responses you find useful

I struggle with this too OP. I grew up with two brothers and a sister - one of my brothers passed away 8 years ago when he was 19 from a drug overdose.

It feels like a disservice not to mention him when people ask about siblings. I loved him very, very much and I do have two brothers, it's just that one of them isn't here anymore. But if I do mention it then I feel like I'm attention seeking, or making things awkward. I haven't really worked out the 'right' way to do it, I tend to just gauge the situations as they come up.

I was going to write almost exactly what MintyChops wrote. I was 21 and my brother 27 when he committed suicide..we were very close and I spent a few years completely unable to talk about him, but at the same time wanting to tell 'new' people. I also felt terrible when people asked about siblings; if I only said one, my other brother, I felt awful.
After 10 years or so I was able to talk about him if I wanted too, although it doesn't come up so much now. I have photos of him up, so if anyone asks I tell them. I'm not a big Facebook person but this year for the first time, 25 years after his death, I posted a picture of him on his birthday and said that I missed him. He has friends and family who miss him too so it was nice to read their messages. Anyway flowers to OP and us all..

OP and others on this thread, I am so sorry

A family member has a brother who died young as a result of a longstanding mental health condition which led to suicide.
He will mention him very openly in discussions about family, but IYSWIM, not so that his illness and death is all that is mentioned. So it would be more like, 'we're 3 brothers, John was 8 years older than me and definitely the clever one of the family, he always suffered from XXX and he died in his early 20s when he was teaching chemistry in Liverpool.'
So even though I never met John, I know something about his life, not just how he happened to die.

Would that help as a way to talk about your siblings?

OP I've just read your question again. It sounds like you do want to tell close friends. I made a friend travelling and we became very close. I constantly wanted to tell him but I couldn't (this is maybe 10 years after my brothers suicide). Eventually I wrote and told him and he wrote me a lovely letter back and it felt like such a relif. It was important at that time that I told him as I felt I was lying to him by not. Maybe you could write a note to the friends you want to tell, and explain how hard it is for you to talk about. I think it will help you to come to terms with what happened. (Not get over it..I know that doesn't happen!)
I agree with the PP above too. Nowadays I find it much easier to talk about my bro before he became ill and what a lovely person he was.

I found counselling for a childhood bereavement invaluable. It has made it easier to tell people, and also reduced the sort of burning need to disclose to people, at the same time.