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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS 13 and games with DD

55 replies

Mysecretgarden · 17/10/2016 21:25

I am fed up with DS's behaviour with his sister 9.
As soon as she arrives from school he starts with :"I am going to beat you up."
Last weekend he tried to choke her for fun. Not sure how bad it was as I wasn't in the room and DD tend to over exaggerate so I am not really sure what happened. When I challenged him he said 'It was ok' as he 'only did it with one hand'.
DD can't watch a DVD in peace. He pretends to want to watch it too and then starts rough playing which invariably ends in tears. I really had enough of his rough playing which I find a bit sadistic.
he likes to pretend he is doing it as he finds it fun to make me react.
They are not with me very often so it is hard to monitor and have a followed up action plan.
AIBU, I told him his phone would be taken off if he did the choking thing again.

OP posts:
FleurThomas · 18/10/2016 07:13

does he do this around his other parent?

Original poster
Mysecretgarden · 18/10/2016 08:46

I won't talk to ExP because many times he has made it that whatever is happening is my fault. He would view it as a reason to stop contact between me and the kids. Sometimes it is not the case but he is so impredictable.

OP posts:
SomethingOnce · 18/10/2016 09:08

I agree, seek outside help.

It would be difficult for him to use it as a reason to stop you seeing the children, because there would be external oversight.

titchy · 18/10/2016 09:21

Then you need to involve other agencies, with SS being your first port of call. This is actually really serious and you need to understand this isn't normal sibling fighting.

DesignedForLife · 18/10/2016 09:42

That's really terrifying, and agree with others major red flag. I can't help but wonder if he's playing out something he's seen, like violent porn or DV? If either are true it's a major safeguarding issue and TBH I would contact social services for help. Is it possible he could have experienced stuff like that at his dad's?

ErrolTheDragon · 18/10/2016 09:54

These are not games.

Sounds to me as more though your DD is suffering a form of domestic violence. Sad

If your Ex is threatening that if you rock the boat or question whats happening when they're with him, you could lose contact, well, that sounds like a bullying control mechanism. Is he safeguarding your DD? Is he parenting your DS well, giving clear bounds on acceptable behaviour?

Original poster
Mysecretgarden · 18/10/2016 12:10

I wonder who to turn to for help. NSPCC, DV agencies? Social services can be a double edge sword as they often lack understanding of DV issues.

OP posts:
FleurThomas · 18/10/2016 12:14

Make an anonymous call to SS and see what happens. I agree with others - your DD is very likely experiencing this with your ex too.

ThatStewie · 18/10/2016 12:19

You need to speak to school to see if he replicates this pattern of behaviour there. Then you needs to approach CAMHS and SS. His behaviour is a huge red flag and your daughter should be expected to live with this behaviour. TBH you need to thinking of applying for custody of your daughter. You also need to stop minimising your son's behaviour by suggesting your daughter exaggerates. If she can't even watch a DVD without being harassed then she is a victim of DV. And needs to be supported as such.

Dontpanicpyke · 18/10/2016 12:20

Why does your ex seem to have all the control here op? Is there more info that you could share to get a better picture or is that not possible.

Dontpanicpyke · 18/10/2016 12:21

I wouldn't be making anonymous calls or you could both loose your children.

These are your children to protect and nurture you need to take a big step up op and sort this out. Sorry it's way way beyond normal.

Original poster
Mysecretgarden · 18/10/2016 12:25

Dontpanicpyke what do you suggest? Would you seek professional help?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mysecretgarden · 18/10/2016 13:06

Dontpanicpyke would the risk be due to the anonymous nature of the call?
Ex is EA but I have zero evidence to prove it so it has always been disregarded. It has always been directed towards me only, but maybe it did also set an example for DS unfortunately. He knows the system well too.
I fought all I could to get the children with me. At this stage I am skint and he has bought the DCs with lots of things like tablets...
I live in a shit hole and I really can't compete.

OP posts:
titchy · 18/10/2016 13:25

So he allows your teenage ds to perpetrate DV and your 9 year old dd to accept DV from her brother but it's OK because he lives in a nice area and gives them iPads? Hmm

Really? Just call SS and speak to the duty social worker. It really can't be any worse than it is now.

SomethingOnce · 18/10/2016 13:36

Had a Google and NSPCC have a helpline for adults that you can email, text or call.

"The NSPCC helpline provides help and support to thousands of parents, professionals and families"

"The NSPCC helpline is a place adults can contact by phone or online to get advice or share their concerns about a child, anonymously if they wish. It's staffed by professional practitioners with backgrounds in jobs like teaching, healthcare and social work, who know how to spot the signs of abuse and what to do to help."

Would that be a good place to find some support with this, OP?

SomethingOnce · 18/10/2016 13:43

titchy, I don't think that's fair. She didn't say it was ok.

Reread what OP wrote. She says he's bought the children with things, not that he had bought things for them. Wouldn't be the first manipulative adult to do that.

titchy · 18/10/2016 17:44

She said he's bought them things like tablets...

titchy · 18/10/2016 17:46

Oh ok misread sorry. Yes I get the nuance. But OP saying she can't compete and lives in a shit area is absolutely irrelevant when kids are being abused, which they are.

funnyandwittyusername · 18/10/2016 17:49

DV support would not be available as it's not DV (as classified by law at any rate)

I'm sorry but this is a parenting issue

Original poster
Mysecretgarden · 18/10/2016 20:36

bump

OP posts:
SomethingOnce · 18/10/2016 20:39

Have you decided how you're going to help your DD, OP?

Original poster
Mysecretgarden · 18/10/2016 20:49

I might have a talk with DS and try to implement the no touch rule.

OP posts:
Shylo · 18/10/2016 21:02

You definitely need to talk to your ds and there is no try with the no touch rule! Implement it and stick to it with swift repurcussions! Your poor dd should not be suffering violence at the hands of her brother and he should not think it's ok for him to behave so aggressively.

You can deal with this while they are with you. As for when they are not, what does your dd say? Does it happen when they are with their dad too? What is her dads response?

Original poster
Mysecretgarden · 18/10/2016 21:12

I will have to ask her when she is with me.
Usually he views it as play fighting.

OP posts:
evelynj · 18/10/2016 21:17

Have a private conversation with dc and ask her open ended question about her & her bro

Then do the same with him & explain that his behaviour is unacceptable & see if either of them have any ideas on how to improve things.

Fwiw, my 3 bros & I used to fight roughly like this but we turned out ok in the end. I do think if there's any way to open communication with your ex & agree a strategy that has continuation in both homes, that's the best option. Is there someone who could act as mediator?