To be a bit sick of constantlyse reading about how awful teenage boys are?

[lostoldlogin2]

Recently it seems to be a constant theme that girls need to effectively be protected from teenage boys.....and the comments are sweeping. The suggestion seems to be that boys are constantly being terribly sexually aggressive to girls. I teach in Spain. Now I teach primary but before I was teaching secondary.....and this really wasn't a theme.....barely happened at all...the kids just got on with life and did all the normal boyfriend/girlfriend type stuff in an age appropriate way....talk of groups of 15 year old boys holding down girls and touching them, "hounding " girls for sex, grabbing their breasts and vulva in the school corridors?????? Never saw it.....and if it had happened it would have been seriously shocking. I do not know....it seems as if boys are being painted as monsters. I have a son and another son in the way.....it makes me sad to hear the constant vilification of male CHILDREN.

[Sallystyle]

I have three male teens.

The fact is, statistically it is extremely likely my girls will suffer a form of sexual assault by a male.

No, I most certainly don't think my boys will grow up into shitty men or rapists. The men I know IRL are not arseholes, they are great men. It doesn't change the fact that girls/women are very likely to suffer at the hands of men.

If I'm on a thread about sexual assault I don't feel the need to say #notallmen because it's obvious it isn't all men, but it's too many men

So no, I don't think MN paints teenage boys or men in a bad light or make sweeping generalisations about them.

[RufusTheSpartacusReindeer]

I fear for the daughters of some posters on here to be fair

i cant say i have noticed an anti teen boy trend on here, but i am probably not on those threads

[RufusTheSpartacusReindeer]

Just seen u2s post

I agree completely

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

No it's not all boys but it is some boys. Happened to me at school, I'm sure it still happens now. And it didn't happen in front of teachers either; it happened on the school bus and in corridors and corners of the playground.

One of the worst offenders for unwanted groping was a high achieving sporty type who became head boy. His parents and the teachers all thought he was a lovely lad, a real role model. Us girls had a different view.

I hope the climate is changing so that girls feel able to challenge and complain about this kind of thing. I think it's good that it is discussed.

[mycatstares]

When I was at school teenage girls were far worse than the boys.

You can't say things haven't happened because you didn't see it though!

[yorkshapudding]

Just because you've never seen it, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. You can't possibly think that because a teenage boy has never blatantly raped or molested a girl in front of you, that means there can't possibly be a problem. Of course, not all teenage boys are sexual predators and I've never heard anyone claim that they are, either in RL or online

I've spent my entire adult life working with the victims and perpetrators of sexual abuse and, believe me, sexual harassment and assault can and does happen in schools. Acknowledgement of that fact isn't tantamount to "vilifying" all teenage boys.

Surely you're not suggesting that allegations of assault or harassment by young women and girls should be brushed under the carpet in case it offends the sensibilities of teenage boys and their mothers?

[ThymeLord]

Brilliant post U2. I fully agree.

[RiverTam]

yorkshire unfortunately, I think that is what some people on here think.

Excellent post, U2.

[brasty]

And some women still minimise or ignore the sexual harassment or abuse girls and women get.

[lostoldlogin2]

No....but I AM saying that a constant narrative painting boys as aggressors and girls as victims is damaging to both.

I have been sexual lyse assaulted (by an adult - hand shoved up skirt in public place) so I am NOT denying that this happens at all....what I am saying is that this idea that boys in vast numbers are sexual lyse bullying girls is unfair stereotyping. And also....that there is plenty coming from the other side too - certainly on the verbal side of things.

[Amandahugandkisses]

OP you don't have a clue.

[Bitofacow]

As has been said on other threads not all men are responsible BUT we must educate our sons to not just accept the status quo.

Men are (mostly) stronger, if one of my sons sees a woman being molested what should he do? Laugh? Join in? Do something?
If his friends tell rape jokes should he laugh?

Even if my lovely, sweet boys don't join in is that enough? If they stand by and listen and watch isn't that support? Men have to stop other men, women can not fight this alone.

[lostoldlogin2]

I'm starting to see that usual . I'm just seeing a lot of comments aviut how because some boys are sexual lyse aggressive we have to accept our sons being tarred with the same brush and aren't allowed to say ANYTHING without being accused of being rape apologists and a variety of other things. I have had my fair share of shirty treatment from men.....seriously abusive relationship (2!) for example so the idea that I "don't have a clue" is rubbish. What I do think is that if anything the talk of teenage boys like this is almost likely to cause it to happen more....they are being treated in some cases as if they have committed the crime already.

[lostoldlogin2]

And OF COURSE I teach my son to be respectful of women....I was a single mum for the first 5 years and think that it is very important for men to treat women properly....and many many other parents do the same! That's WHY most boys are NOT depraved sexual aggressors.....which is why it is so sad to see the generalisations about teenage boys being stated. I and many other mothers of boys go out of our way to raise good kind respectful men and yet still we are treated to this very very anti boy attitude.....and I mean anti boy
...children.....not anti men which is a different this altogether.

[RufusTheSpartacusReindeer]

So people are not allowed to say that they havent seen this on mumsnet

Oh sorry i didnt realise...must check my dictionary definition of debate

I think some boys are sexually aggressive, i do not belive that all boys are

And i honestly cant remember seeing those attitudes wholesale on mumsnet. There are always posts full of hyperbole...but they go both ways

[Bitofacow]

I think I am very pro teenage boy - I have sons, I work with teenage boys - I like them, they make me laugh.

BUT we mustn't be scared to make them face the reality of male behaviour and how it can impact on women. We can give them the choice to reject this behaviour and become the men they want to be. They need positive active choices they do not need protecting and 'poor babying'.

[SirChenjin]

Absolutely agree - but that does not mean that tarring all men with the same brush is the solution, in the same way that black men are not going to be involved in violent crime/Muslim men are not sexist/girls are not screeching, manipulative and bitchy.

[madcapped]

Excellent post Bitofacow.

[MyFamilyHasProblems]

I have namechanged for reasons which will rapidly become apparent.

My nephew has a criminal record and is on the SO register for grooming and having sex with a girl in her early teens. My sister (now sadly dead) loved him to bits - I remember him as a baby, a toddler, a child, a teenager... She knew he had severe problems from relatively early on. She did everything she could to try to fix things.

That's the thing - the nicest, most well-meaning, most loving mother in the world can find herself mother to a sex offender.

I have a DS. I am doing my level best to make sure from very early on he knows about consent, about respecting other people's boundaries, about being a decent human being. It in no way offends me to know that some men grow up to become sexual predators - my own nephew is one. We all have to deal with the fact that we live in a society where a non-negligible minority of men are sexual offenders. (There is pretty solid research - e.g. American criminal psychologist David Lisak - which puts the number of undetected rapists at round about the 5 to 6% level, with an average of 6 rapes each to their names. Think about that one next time you're in a crowd. Incidentally it tallies fairly well with the 1 in 4 women are victims statistic - if there were no repeat rapes 6*6% would be over 1 in 3 women, unfortunately some women have the really shit deal of having been raped more than once).

We can't fix the problem by sticking our fingers in our ears and going "la la la not my Nigel, how dare you demonise teenage boys?" We need to think about what we as parents can do to make sure teenagers know about consent and about treating other human beings properly.

[lostoldlogin2]

But I am NOT sticking my fingers in my ears and saying "lalala not my Nigel" I am educating my son about women's rights all the time - I am saying that if the narrative is constantly almost expecting boys to be like that - if this "protect girls from those awful boys with their sex ideas" stuff goes too far then we will end up causing MORE problems. I am ALSO saying hat having been a teenage girls once myself and worked with teenage girls too it is important to note that they too can be guilty of inappropriate behaviour of this kind and that THAT side of things is routinely brushed under the carpet.

[JellyBelli]

Can anyone provide a single example of this vilification of all teen boys on Mumsnet.

[Sophia1984]

Mothers of teenage boys who have commented that their son hasn't been sexually aggressive- can I ask how can you be so sure?

[CozyAutumn]

Men are (mostly) stronger, if one of my sons sees a woman being molested what should he do? Laugh? Join in? Do something?

He shouldn't laugh or join in no absolutely not.
But you do realise that if he intervenes he potentially risks being hurt himself? That's also not ok.

[SirChenjin]

I can't - in the same way that I can't say for certain that DH hasn't had an affair or DD hasn't sent bitchy messages to another girl on FB and made her life hell. I am as certain as I can be though, which is all we can ever be for anything other than taxes and death.