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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

should we take the kids to church or the park?

65 replies

Sugarmagnolia · 08/02/2007 19:07

My folks are visiting for exactly 7 days. They come once a year because they live very far away. the first day is pretty much killed by jet-lag and 3 days the kids were in school. So that leaves 3 days for them to spend with the kids. And they want to spend an entire morning of one of those precious days going to church. Would the kids like to come, they ask? No, I say, they would like you to take them to the park and help them ride their bikes. They didn't like this answer.

Sooooo, am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
pointydog · 08/02/2007 21:35

Let your kids decide. They might want to go to church.

Mine might as the church would be a novelty.

If the kids want to to, then you;re being unreasonBLE

Aloha · 08/02/2007 21:38

I'm fairly church-allergic, but why is it a problem if they come home in time for lunch after a trip to the park? Have lunch together then go out in the afternoon - bingo, everybody's happy, and you get some time to yourself.

CupidsWineBuyer · 08/02/2007 21:43

I don't see why you see a morning in church as a waste, which you clearly seem to

if they are 'precious days' your parents, as they are obviously religious, may want to thank god for the family they have while they are around them, and to have them share this experience of being in church together

you seem to have other plans which don't involve bike-riding so it's not like you think that they should be constantly in the park

is there no other bike-riding window in the entire week?

MagicGenie · 08/02/2007 22:09

I don't think you're being unreasonable and know exactly how you feel.

If faith/religion isn't important to you or part of your/your children's lives, they shouldn't go.

Judy1234 · 08/02/2007 22:28

You weren't respecting their religious beliefs by the answer, though. Surely it's important the children and you do what you don't want to do sometimes to please the grandparents.

You say it wouldn't hurt them to miss one week but many religions have an obligation to go to church. It's like saying to a strict Muslim lady take off that veil and dance naked on the kitchen table just for once. You can't suddenly change a core belief. If they're Catholics though a 45 minute mass on Saturday night or 8am service is fine and they'll be over by 8.40am.

madamez · 08/02/2007 22:35

I may have missed how old the kids are. But I'd suggest asking them if they are old enough to answer - and abiding by what the kids say. So if they want to go to the church with GPs, send them all off together and either do some housework or have a shag with your DP. If they want to go to the park, arrange to meet the GPs on the way back from church. If kids are not old enough to have any opinions then I'd suggest sending them to church with their GPs just to teach the GPs not to ask again after all Jesus said Suffer (ie, put up with) the little children, didn't he?

Oh, and by the way, if one is not religious, then going to church is a waste of time unless it's for weddings/funerals/similar. Religion's just like any other hobby people have, it's unreasonable to try to deprive them of it, but it's unreasonable of them to insist on you joining in when you'd find it more productive to clean the kitchen/get laid/watch paint dry.

Original poster
Sugarmagnolia · 09/02/2007 07:09

LOL madamez - some of those options are out as DH is away for 2 weeks!

And it is NOT exactly like asking a Muslim lady to dance naked. There are plenty of other "religious obligations" they choose to ignore because they are not convenient to living their lives they way they would like. And when I was growing up we only ever went from time to time. It's like all these things they used to do because they enjoyed them or even becuase they thought it was important have in recent years taken over and dictate everything else. Church, exercise and food (as in only eating exactly the right things) seem to come 1,2 &3 in planning a day/visit/holiday etc. Only once those three have been arranged can we think about anything else. I don't even bother to take them out to eat anymore they're such a nightmare but that's a whole other post!

The kids are 3.5 and almost 6 BTW. What do you think they'll choose? Anyway, neither one of them is very well so I may just stay home with them and let my parents do what they like. (But see, if I asked them to look after the kids instead of going to church they would still say no - even though part of the reason they came to visit was to help me out while DH was away).

OP posts:
Original poster
Sugarmagnolia · 09/02/2007 07:09

LOL madamez - some of those options are out as DH is away for 2 weeks!

And it is NOT exactly like asking a Muslim lady to dance naked. There are plenty of other "religious obligations" they choose to ignore because they are not convenient to living their lives they way they would like. And when I was growing up we only ever went from time to time. It's like all these things they used to do because they enjoyed them or even becuase they thought it was important have in recent years taken over and dictate everything else. Church, exercise and food (as in only eating exactly the right things) seem to come 1,2 &3 in planning a day/visit/holiday etc. Only once those three have been arranged can we think about anything else. I don't even bother to take them out to eat anymore they're such a nightmare but that's a whole other post!

The kids are 3.5 and almost 6 BTW. What do you think they'll choose? Anyway, neither one of them is very well so I may just stay home with them and let my parents do what they like. (But see, if I asked them to look after the kids instead of going to church they would still say no - even though part of the reason they came to visit was to help me out while DH was away).

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 09/02/2007 08:05

Why can't they take the children ot church whilst you have a lie in? Many grandparents do that every Sunday and I think it's good for chidlren. It's also useful to learn how to sit still and do things you don't like which a lot of children don't get enough of.

colditz · 09/02/2007 08:07

No you are not being unreasonable in that you know your kids don't want to go to church - but if your folks do want to go to church, you should let them, really.

nearlyfourbob · 09/02/2007 08:08

My MIL and FIL always go to church on holiday, but they have been known to go to very early services (which tend to be shorter) if they have something else they need to do - or they go in the evening. They do go every week - but they fit it in with their lives. What's the point of multiple services otherwise?

Compromise is the key here - there is no earthly reason that they can't do church and the park and bikes.

morningpaper · 09/02/2007 08:29

"It's like all these things they used to do because they enjoyed them or even becuase they thought it was important have in recent years taken over and dictate everything else"

I think that's the definition of getting older and retirement, TBH. People really need structure to retirement and ritual, and these things become the bedrock of their daily lives. I think it's actually quite POSITIVE, they have lots of time and are focusing on their spiritual and physical health. There are many worse things they could do!

I would really just let them take the children and have an hour or so to yourself.

ernest · 09/02/2007 08:44

I think you're being unreasonable. Why should they miss going to church if they normally go?

And as others have said, there is no reason why church + park can't work.

You're very lucky to have parents who want to spend any time with them in the first place.

dingdongjustforyoufg · 09/02/2007 08:45

I don't see why you can't indulge your parents' wishes, especially since they only visit once a year and it will give you some time to yourself

Kif · 09/02/2007 08:50

You are being unreasonable - your folks are just sharing something with your kids that important to them. Good for your kids to see that different people find different things important. Better than forcing your folks to always do it your way, and have them be stiff and uncomfortable.

Don't interefere - let them build a relationship on their terms. If the kids don't like it they'll complaim in any case!

Original poster
Sugarmagnolia · 09/02/2007 09:35

You are being unreasonable
You are being unreasonable
You are being unreasonable
You are being unreasonable
You are being unreasonable
You are being unreasonable

LOL -well I asked for it!

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 09/02/2007 10:00

I am biassed because I teach Sunday School during the service at our church and love to see new children turning up. They have great fun doing colouring, drama, singing and learning (at their level) about the Bible.

I would hate to take my children to a service where they had to stay in with the adults the whole time and they would hate it too.

I do think it's not unreasonable for gps to be allowed to take the dc to church, but I really sympathise with you Sugar about their being difficult with food and exercise. No wonder you're not keen to bend to their every desire - they have so many! But this one about church, when you are an occasional churchgoer anyway, seems like a win-win situation, giving you some time to yourself (or to share with secret lover !!!) and perhaps they could take dc to the park afterwards, as others have suggested.

The other issue is getting up and out of the house on time - can be stressful on a Sunday and gps should not leave that all to you.

Original poster
Sugarmagnolia · 09/02/2007 10:49

Nevermind, I've moved on to other issues, now my house smells!

OP posts:
inanidealworld · 09/02/2007 10:52

Let them take kiddies to church, you have a lie in, then all go to the park together. Easy.

pointydog · 09/02/2007 13:47

"It's also useful to learn how to sit still and do things you don't like which a lot of children don't get enough of."

Fantastic quote!

Not sure if I agree with that or not, xenia.

serenity · 09/02/2007 14:00

Can I sit on the fence? I wouldn't send a 3.5 and 6 year old to an unfamiliar place, with strange rules with people they might know, but don't obviously see very often. I would also have the hump that they went BUT I'd keep quiet about it so it doesn't spoil the time they do have with you. I'm not religious so I just don't understand the whole church going thing, but I accept that it is important for other people. Let it go, take the visit as it comes and try not to get too stressed when it doesn't follow the pattern that you'd imagined for it

Judy1234 · 09/02/2007 16:29

I've thought it was very good indeed for small children to do things they don't like. We're not here as people pleasers for our children. It's a wonderful experience as a child to be bored, to sit thinking of how to pick bits off your sleeve, how you're not the centre of the universe to be entertained like some little God-let all the time.

pointydog · 09/02/2007 17:27

I like that thought, xenia

RunForBurritos · 14/01/2020 08:32

It is unreasonable to expect them to skip church if they want to go.
However, your kids absolutely don't have to go.
Discuss it with your DC, if they want to go fair enough, but do not make them go to indulge your parents.

RunForBurritos · 14/01/2020 08:36

Hold on... 3.5 and 6? Nah, don't think the kids should go, especially the younger one. Even 6 is pushing it. I am not religious but I hope that if I were, I wouldn't impose it on my kids.
Just like I have always told them that me being an atheist doesn't mean I know the whole truth.
But unless they actively ask to go to church, it's not happening.