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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another MIL one, sorry!

23 replies

Endoftheroad16 · 15/10/2016 22:44

AIBU to think my MIL is being a manipulator and to not acquiesce to her?

She is asking to come and stay for a long weekend next month. DH has said it's not really convenient. Instead of accepting it she started saying " Oh, so you are too busy to let me come and stay?". After a few minutes of saying things like this to my husband without getting the response she wanted she started on my toddler! " Daddy won't let Nanny come and stay!".

This just annoyed me and made me more determined that we wouldn't give in to her.

She was last here just 3 weeks ago and we will be going to her at the end of next month. She seems oblivious to the fact that we do have other people to see, relatives on my side that might like to visit and other stuff going on.

It's quite disruptive when she is here as she has to share a bedroom with our baby and she sleeps in until lunchtime, so I end up creeping around and feeling like I can't go in the room to get things or put the baby down for her nap etc. We don't usually say no to her requests to visit but this time it just feels like she has only just walked out the door.

So AIBU to not call her back and say she can come after all?

OP posts:

Nurszilla · 15/10/2016 22:48

YANBU.

Do not do it! Stay firm, repeat as many times as you need to that you are sorry but it's not convenient. She will give up eventually if you are consistently boundaried.

ummizoomi · 15/10/2016 22:48

Nope. Definitely not AIBU! Sleep in till lunchtime?!!!! If she comes to stay, she should be helping you out not adding more work to your day and causing disruptions in your home esp as u have a baby to look after. Does she think your house is her free hotel? Does she expect cuppa in bed too?

ummizoomi · 15/10/2016 22:50

Ps I would just ignore her and not respond to her passive aggressive manipulating comments. You've said once she can't stay. That's it period. Move on. Pretend you're not listening. Don't let her get to u or take up any more headspace.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/10/2016 22:53

YANBU. And, next time you do have her to stay, don't creep about trying not to wake her. Go about your life as per normal - she fits in or she doesn't come.

Original poster

Endoftheroad16 · 15/10/2016 22:58

Yeah the sleeping in thing is very annoying and was especially so when the baby was very small. I had a screaming baby and crying toddler one morning when trying to get us all dressed to leave the house. She just stayed in bed in the room next door and left me too it. It was 9am so not very early and no way would she not have heard and realised I could have used a hand!

OP posts:

stitchglitched · 15/10/2016 23:00

YANBU. I'm all for welcoming family but I wouldn't have anyone stay at my house whi regularly sleeps in til lunchtime and makes me creep around in my own home!

Original poster

Endoftheroad16 · 15/10/2016 23:20

It would be lovely if she would stay at a hotel but neither her nor DH would hear of it!

OP posts:

HarryPottersMagicWand · 15/10/2016 23:25

YANBU. Do not give in now. If you do, you will get this all the time. Also nip it in the bud wrt to her going through your child. That's disgraceful.

When she does stay, don't tiptoe around. You have a baby and a toddler. It's their home. Don't keep them quiet because she is being g a lazy arse when she is a guest in someones home.

JoJoSM2 · 15/10/2016 23:29

You might not want her next weekend but you've handled the situation exceptionally poorly. It sounds like you're just rejecting her and she's getting upset and saying the nonsense to your toddler (she should know better too). I think it'd be nicer to say that next weekend doesn't work for you but perhaps she could come [give date here]. That way you can manage how often you see her without a repeated no or ignoring her (very poor communication and being mean, frankly). You could also discuss her sleeping patterns and suggest that when she's over, she could set the alarm to 8 or whatever so you don't feel awkward. And have a bit of empathy - you might not be keen on her but she's prolly excited to see her son and grandchild.

Original poster

Endoftheroad16 · 15/10/2016 23:39

She isn't interested in any other dates than the one she has asked for. She pointedly said she couldn't come any other time. This is why I've said I feel she forgets that we have commitments and things we want to do too.

Besides we already have plans to go and see her in a few weeks and she was just here.

She would never set her alarm to get up. She is always a late riser and when staying with us considers herself " on holiday".

OP posts:

Lymmmummy · 15/10/2016 23:43

Sounds awful at least DH supportive

Really really don't let her get away with this - stand firm now or you are storing up problems for yourself later

amysmummy12345 · 15/10/2016 23:44

Next time she undermines you with your toddler of be remitted to reply in the same manner, e.g "aww daddy won't let nanny stay" reply with "that's because nanny is a bone idle Rodney fucker who disrupts the whole house when she stops" 😁

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 15/10/2016 23:44

My god I think we share the same mil!

The complaining to your toddler is an issue though op soon your toddler will be old enough to understand what she is saying and become a tool to her. Ive seen mil emotionally abuse her dgs very subtly do just keep an eye on that.

Original poster

Endoftheroad16 · 15/10/2016 23:46

I think DH would waver if I wasn't standing firm!
She was on speakerphone and after he got off the phone I asked if she was always like that. He said she was! I've always thought she liked a bit of emotional blackmail but I'd not witnessed it first hand before.

OP posts:

Lymmmummy · 15/10/2016 23:46

Also I don't think OP has handled the situation badly at all she has been more than kind

Being all softly softly with overbearing type people tends to just encourage it in them - I agree OP should discuss sleeping habits for her own benefit but I do not think she has handled things badly at all

ImissGrannyW · 15/10/2016 23:46

agree with pps that you shouldn't tip-toe around this. I suggest you pop on your DMs before you go in to the baby (not dear mother. Doc Martins!)

Lilacpink40 · 15/10/2016 23:49

YANBU emotional blackmail is horrible!

WhitePhantom · 15/10/2016 23:50

God definitely don't tip toe around - make more noise than usual, if anything! 😊

TheHubblesWindscreenWipers · 15/10/2016 23:53

"Like we said before that weekend doesn't work for us - we will look forward to seeing you when we visit."

Do NOT tiptoe round your own house! Get up and get on with your day!

hopetobehappy · 16/10/2016 00:15

Sleeps in till lunchtime? I thought only teenagers could do that. I don't know how she manages to get to sleep at night after lying in so long. I'd be going in with the hoover and making loads of noise.

2kids2dogsnosense · 16/10/2016 00:16

Sleeps until lunchtime?

I'd have the idle cow up and running by 9 o'clock!

BlackeyedSusan · 16/10/2016 00:22

is toddler or baby mobile enough but not verbal enough to be sent in to mils room with some cymbals without grassing you up?

Original poster

Endoftheroad16 · 16/10/2016 08:02

Lol the toddler does go in but she manages to sleep through or ignore!

OP posts:

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