To think that I am a huge failure?

[MarthaMaths]

I am a failure. I had a childhood where I was pretty much ignored and lived on the sidelines of my family. I didn't feel important and hence I have very low self esteem. My dad was very hot tempered and would scream and yell over the smallest of things. I lived in fear of doing or saying anything wrong. Apart from this things were ok.

Fast forward to adult life and I have basically done nothing with my life. I have ended up with low self esteem and social anxiety (most likely as a result of my childhood) which has effected every area of my life. I can't move forward ever as this always holds me back.

I don't have a career and have only been good enough for minimum wage admin jobs. The sad thing was that I was a bright kid at school ( As and Bs) and I even went onto uni to study a course that would have led me to qualify as a healthcare professional. I was petrified with fear about doing the training year and felt I would never be able to do the job. I struggled to secure a placement too. I gave up and did admin jobs instead. It was a relief but people laughed at me for giving up.

I'm not good at anything. I.have no skill that I excel at. Nothing. I've not achieved anything. Ive not done anything with my life.

AIBU to think that I am one huge failure?

You mentioned volunteering and starting C25K, so I wanted to make a suggestion.

Do you live near a park? Most parks these days have a parkrun every Saturday morning. You don't have to run the whole distance if you're not physically up to it yet.

What I was mainly thinking of though was volunteering at parkrun - it's very low commitment, easy to get into, gets you up on a Saturday and if you do have childcare issues, most of the volunteer jobs can be done with a child in tow and that's absolutely fine. Everyone at parkrun loves the volunteers for giving up their Saturday mornings to help the runners - it sounds like this could be a good way for you to get into volunteering?

I could have written your post. I am in my 40s and struggle with esteem and confidence.

I was criticized and never ever given any hugs or kisses. My siblings were, loved, my mother just hated me and was physically violent with me but Never my siblings. I think she was jealous of the attention I got from my father. He was critical all the time so I quickly learned to be quiet and be perfect- no attention was better than criticism. I loved going to the library- back in the day you weren't allowed to speak. I loved it-I was safe.

I asked my father "you always say what I'm not good at- so is there anything I am good at?" There was a long pause, eventually he said "school work" but I was near the bottom of the class so this didnt help!!

Now, I don't see them or my siblings. The last time I saw them they said "we dont need people like you in our lives".

Kind posters on here say try volunteering etc. However, for years I didnt know myself because as a child I was learning to walk on eggshells when I should have been having fun. I also struggled with CBT-I had to find my inner child. But I have never been allowed to be a child so how could I find her?

I cant trust many people, and still have that inner voice that says will people like me when they know me.

I have always attracted selfish people- men and friends- still working on it. Although in a crisis I have nobody to turn to.

I am terrified of asking for help on anything-even in work. People get irritated when I ask and it is rare that I ask.

My manager in work said "why are you so quiet"- I was making a real effort!

I have raised my sons with no help at all- my fear is that I have damaged them in some way or as an adult they will not want me in their life.

I am shocked at what your parents said. If you can take on board one thing it is that they are at fault- they have said some awful stuff. My daughter and my mum are both introverts . They are lovely, relaxing considerate company. I bet you are too.

anchor that sounds really tough. I don't think I need to go NC with my family. They are ok mostly. My parents did the best that they knew. They married young and were naive and didn't have very supportive parents themselves. They came from poverty so giving up a potentially well paid career is just suicide to them and they took it badly. I have learnt to keep my struggles hidden from them though- I deal with things myself and I have my DH for support. This then avoids any unhelpful comments during times I need support. This works well for me.

Wdigin I hear what you're saying- just do it. But I'm too bloody scared! That's my problem - I feel I can't do anything because of my social anxiety and those negative thoughts in my head.

Introverts are fabulous. They always seem MORE confident to me because they don't need constant attention and approbation.
OP, you are fab. Your family, sadly, are not. That's not your fault. They bully you. That's not your fault. I'm sure you could do whatever you set your mind to - IF you reduced contact with the people who clearly take pleasure in eroding your confidence.

Thank you everyone for your very lovely and kind comments. Ive reread the thread a dozen times already!

It's so refreshing to hear from "loud" types like motherfuckerchainsaw that youre actually ok with us quiet types and don't mind us. It's really made me feel a little better and its sort of really sad that this trait of mine has been singled out negatively by my family and others.

I'm going to do a bit of soul searching and ive bought a book on low self esteem and a few others including the Susan Cain one. I'm going to find something I love and be awesome at it. I've got a hell of a lot of work to do on my self starting off with being more kinder to me.

Id love to revisit this thread and let you know how I get on in a years time. Thank you to each and every one of you!

I've got nothing to usefully add but just wanted to say what a lovely response you have had to your post, Martha. I hope you can take heart from it & that things get better for you from now on.

I am also an extrovert but I value quiet & peace above almost anything.

Bon courage & I'd love to hear how things are for you in a years time.

I think all of us would wish for a friend like you!

I wish you were my friend

Your family sound like total arseholes.

Please don't feel like a failure. You absolutely are not

"It really upset me and I felt like I had failed my parents massively."

No OP, they have let you down. I know you say you don't need to go NC, but I would give yourself some space in the short term while you work on your self care.

When you say you struggled to get a placement - is this a workplace position that you have to sort out for yourself as a student? I really think there should be more support for this kind of thing, I struggle hugely with this kind of thing too and it's a huge shame because going out and "selling yourself" simple isn't part of the position you were training for and it's a terrible shame - though understandable - that you dropped out over something like that. Our society places too much emphasis on self-promotion and expects everybody to be able to do this sort of thing, when for some of us it's quite literally a dreadful prospect.

I think some volunteering sounds helpful - lots of companies need admin workers to help run their operations, do you think you could help with that? It's not customer facing and would, I hope, allow you to get working and then move into other areas of the charity if you felt the need, once you know the people and structure.

OP, you sound lovely. Thoughtful, intelligent, reflective, all lovely qualities. Quiet if fine, as they say, still waters run deep.
Now is the time for you to start to get to know and appreciate yourself on your own terms, not on your parents or anyone else's.
What your parents have said to you is cruel and undermining. No wonder your self esteem has taken a blow.
Self help books can be good, so can focussing on the things you love and enjoy. Just be careful not to pile pressure on yourself to excel at something or 'fix yourself'...just take one step at a time. The main thing is every day just be kind to yourself.
Good luck

Should say quiet IS fine.