To want him to make more of an effort to see my friends and family?

[OneTiredMummmyyy]

I relocated 80 miles to be with DP pre children. We now have two DC, aged two and one.

I love it where I am but having my family and friends so far away with two little ones has been quite tough. My family and friends do make the effort to come to see us but I want to visit them more often.

Every time I try to make plans for us to visit my family and friends, DP moans that he is at work all week (I'm a SAHM) and I should just go alone on weekdays without him to go and see them so he can have weekends here to relax. He has a long commute (3 hrs plus a day). I pointed out that a lot of my friends work so I can only really see them evenings and weekends. Plus it is easier generally when he is around as DC2 not walking yet.

We have made arrangements to
go to visit some friends of mine in a few weeks time (Saturday) and he said "I'll just have to write that day off then"

AIBU to expect him to make the effort to see my old friends from time to time given his commuting time? Or should I just go alone? FWIW I always go with him and the kids to see his friends and family on weekends etc.

Shiningexample because I see his parents every weekend? They either come here or we go round to see them
In that case I would refuse to visit or accommodate his family...it all sounds very one sided, give him a taste of his own medicine
actually no, give him a constant diet of his own medicine :o

^^This. Have you maybe tried telling him to pack in the fucking whinging, get off his arse and help out like a proper husband/father?

I don't think your issue is anything to do with visiting family.

Your issue is he thinks you have it easy and owe him for your free ride.

That's what needs sorting - he needs to wake up to reality. Short of you telling him that the next block of leave he has he'll be having a nice easy fun time on his own with the kids and you'll be leaving early each morning and driving to spend the day with your famly and friends (or in the library, or window shopping, or sight seeing, or taking a week long photography/ clock mending/ local history/ Japanese cooking vourse... or anything else you fancy) and you expect the kids bathed and housework done when you come home at 6pm each night (you'll be commuting after all) that is a tall order though.

The issue seems to be that he can't be arsed to watch his kids or make an effort for you. He doesn't sound like much of a catch.

I don't think going to see the inlaws every months is a big ask at all, especially when you see his family every week. Tell him that if he doesn't want to come, that's fine, but he can take the DC to his parents on his own every weekend from now on, because you don't fancy it anymore.

When he inevitably kicks up a fuss, ask why it's okay for him to refuse to see his inlaws, but not okay for you to do the same.

Stop obeying him. Instead of prioritising going to see or hosting his parents every weekend, make arrangements to see friends and family at weekends when you want to. He can see his parents alone or with the children. You can see your parents alone or with the children.

I think the problem I'm having is that he sees the weekend as his "time off".... I regularly point out that I work just as hard. But it was always the way with him - even before DC when we both worked full time he'd claim his job was more "stressful" than mine

In the next few months DC2 should start walking and I will be doing more without him then! At the moment logistically is hard getting in and out of cars as my eldest could potentially run off and my youngest needs carrying. Basically why I want him with me on longer journeys.

Some good advice here x

I just want to point out that his three hour commute affects you too; you, alone, are responsible for the DC during that whole time. It's a long day for you, too.

Andylion yes, I know... at least he gets to put his feet up on the train with the newspaper... I can't do that with the DC

I do the 3 hour commute each day and I understand him not wanting to go to see friends, who are not his friends, at the weekend. I think you should go by yourself. However, the other aspects of his selfishness are unjustifiable. They are his kids, so he needs to get involved in doing baths and the rest.

You say the house is large and you do all the housekeeping. Well, if you don't have spare time, something needs to go. Either he helps or you get external help.

I wouldn't be insisting on it. Go and enjoy yourself

Er... what are his good points?

The weird thing is he asked me to set up the meeting with our friends... then he moaned about it (the travelling) when it got rearranged.

His good points: he tries hard for his family, work wise. He makes me laugh quite a bit. We get on most of the time. It's just sometimes he can be an arse.

Well this is what happens when you make all the sacrifices - for a man.

You moved 80 miles away to be with him - did you not think of future dc/support networks?
You keep doing all the 'wife-work' and let him get away with devaluing your contribution...when he's home the chores/childcare needs to be shared.
Tell him that you are also 'off duty' when he's home so he has no other choice but to share the workload and give you down time.

He doesn't HAVE to be interested in visiting your family....just like you don't have to keep up with this farce of his family being more important, sooo important that every weekend he chooses to spend a day with them....during the precious 'family time' that he doesn't want you using.

what happens when you want to go back to work?
Is he going to support you or make things as difficult as possible?

You're letting him get away with lazy, selfish and rude behaviour, you're letting him manipulate you.
He huffed after the re-arranged meeting with your friends because he wants you to know how much of an inconvenience your needs/wants are compared to his.

Twats normally do this to grind you down over time, so that eventually you start predicting their behaviour, and stop making the effort for visits/socializing because of the fall out.