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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - Not told dc I'm pregnant but their best friend at school knows

47 replies

ICuntSeeYourPoint · 14/10/2016 09:43

I'm about 7.5 weeks pregnant, I wasn't planning on telling the kids for as long as possible, they are 4 and 6. I've had a scan, seen the heartbeat, everything is fine so far. The problem is, I had a medical appointment when I was babysitting the 6yr old's best friend's baby sibling, so I had to tell the best friend's parents. I made it clear we weren't telling the kids yet and they said they wouldn't say anything but first thing this morning the best friend announced to my dd that I'm going to have a baby!! Dh just said "no" " - but my daddy said..." "NO" so it was shut down this morning but every 6yo loves to know a secret and I'm sure she'll carry on telling dd at school today. So what do I do now? Do I tell the kids I'm pregnant at this stage, or do I carry on denying it for a month for then the best friend to say "I told you so" and my dd wonder why the bf knew and I lied to her so she didn't know!

FFS I haven't got the energy for this tbh. I suppose I'll just have to tell them.

OP posts:

Sparklesilverglitter · 14/10/2016 10:47

I think you have to sit down and tell the children now, don't deny it!

It's a big adjustment for a child to have a sibling and I think denying it isn't going to help.

Yes of course your friend as an adult should of known better than to say anything.

Original poster

ICuntSeeYourPoint · 14/10/2016 10:48

Thank you all, yes I will definitely tell the kids tonight. I have text the best friend's mum and just let her know that I'll be telling the kids tonight and why - just to let her know really, having said the kids don't know. She was apologetic on behalf of the dad but these things happen I suppose. I think 6 is too young to reliably keep a secret!

I'm especially grateful to the people who shared about being told of miscarriages at an early age. You raise a really good point about normalising that.

Now just to prepare for "how did it get in there?" and 7 more months of "is the baby coming yet?"!

OP posts:

pregnantat50 · 14/10/2016 10:48

They were BU to tell their daughter however surely at age 6 a child would know not to pass this on if asked not to? - I guess so, but like mother like daughter in this case, neither could keep it to themselves (adults or child)

Lorelei76 · 14/10/2016 10:52

OP you say these things slip out
No they don't
I'd be furious and I'd say so. Also of all the confidences to betray this is one of the worst.

GreatFuckability · 14/10/2016 10:52

i'd be livid and would say as much to the parents. its not their place to do that. I wouldn't want to be telling anyone, let alone children at this stage.

Lorelei76 · 14/10/2016 10:53

Cross post
Who did you tell when the appointment, the mum or the dad?

YelloDraw · 14/10/2016 10:59

Tell the other parents. They are well out of order for sharing your info with their child after you expressly told them not to.

Scribblegirl · 14/10/2016 11:03

I would be absolutely bloody livid and I think you need to be properly angry at the dad.

(Congratulations, incidentally )

sashh · 14/10/2016 11:06

Could you go for, "I didn't know if I was pregnant and wanted to make sure before I told you and you got all excited about a baby brother or sister"?

ImperialBlether · 14/10/2016 11:10

I would be absolutely furious with the parents. Why on earth would they tell a six year old something like that?

septembersunshine · 14/10/2016 11:15

I am sorry for you op. We didn't tell our 3 other dc till I was about 19 weeks and there was an obvious bump. Tbh waiting another 20 weeks for their brother to arrive was long enough...thats like years to a child! Now your dc have been told I think you have to be honest but explain that the baby is so very tiny and there is a very long time to wait. Tell them that sometimes things can go wrong but hopefully the baby will stay and be born early summer etc.., just in case. Our kids all totally understood this, said in simple terms. I would pull the other parents up on it too. It is very well known lots of couples decide to keep early pregnancy to themselves until after the 12 week scan. Really...what were they thinking?

paxillin · 14/10/2016 11:23

I'd tell the kids as you will. I'd also dump the friends, or at least demote them to acquaintances. They can't be trusted with a secret, they've been told specifically that your kids don't know. That would be a shit friendship from now on, you'd always watch what you say. They are simply not friend-material to me.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 14/10/2016 11:30

YANBU.

They have proven themselves untrustworthy and I would demote them too. You should be able to trust a friend to keep a basic thing like that quiet from a 6 year old. Of course she was going to go in school and say it! I'd be livid at someone else telling my children before I had chance to myself. These things don't just slip out. The dad obviously told the 6 year old.

cestlavielife · 14/10/2016 11:37

tell your dc - if you do lose the baby they will then understand why you ill and maybe in hospital.

and if all goes well then great

25degrees · 14/10/2016 11:44

OP, so sorry you've had your hand forced in this! What a pain! But I have 7 year old SS who couldn't reliably keep a secret, in fact he finds secrets impossible, he just doesn't understand the concept yet...the 6 year old was probably excited for your DC, i'd be fuming at the parents however. But having said that, I think you've been very diplomatic and level headed!

In terms of telling your DC and any worries you might have, if the worst was to happen and you had to explain, I just wanted to say that I had a MMC in July and I had to tell the children (DSS's 5 and 7). They took it in their stride, I told them unfortunately the baby wasn't very well and had to go to heaven and they accepted it, their only question was 'so there is no baby in your belly anymore?', to which I said 'no not anymore', they nodded and then started talking about their day. They never mentioned it again until last night where DSS7 said 'are you having a baby again yet? I want a sister' - funnily enough I found out yesterday that I am pregnant again, but I kept that to myself as I hadn't even had a minute to tell his dad yet hahaha!

Congratulations though and I'm sure everything will work out perfectly and you DC's will be so excited they'll forget or not care that the friend knew first!

AppleJac · 14/10/2016 12:00

Im 12 weeks pregnant with dc2. We have dd who is 4 and we are not telling anyone until the 20 weeks scan has been done.

I would be really mad if someone told my dd when they knew i hadnt told her but i wouldnt put myself in that position of my secret being a secret in someone else's hands.

If i was minding someones baby and needed to go to a medical appointment i would of just gone, i wouldnt of mentioned it to the parents.

Supertrooperloopthelooper · 14/10/2016 12:05

These things don't slip out - I don't know why you keep saying they do. The dad ignored your request and decided to tell his kids. He has been spectacularly selfish. And you were babysitting their kid to begin with.

I wouldn't trust them again.
Good luck with your pg

MerryMarigold · 14/10/2016 12:15

It is possible that the mum told the dad and forgot to tell him not to tell their dd. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt. If he was told not to say anything, but did anyway, then poo on him. But you know what, it could all work out for the best anyway. I would have told my kids early on, so they know why I'm tired or sick, and won't worry about me. or God forbid something went wrong, they would know why I was sad.

HazelBite · 14/10/2016 12:15

We didn't tell the Ds's that I was pregnant and I sadly miscarried at 14 weeks, I was in hospital for a while becuase I had to have a D&C and a transfusion. My Dsis helped DH with the boys who asked her why was Mummy in hospital (They were 5 and3 at the time) She told them that I had a bay growing in my tummy that had died, it was very sad, and I was a bit poorly and very upset, and the doctors wanted to make sure I was okay before I came back home.
They both accepted what she told them and were very sweet to me when I came home.
I think children should know what's going on re pregnancy etc, and when I was next pregnant I told them straightaway.
Ds1 who was 6 at the time phoned my Dsis to come round as he thought "something was wrong with the baby" as I was crying in the bathroom as I discovered I was bleeding. Both boys were very "mindful" of my condition, and DS1 who is now married was terribly supportive and understanding when his wife lost her baby.

Dontpanicpyke · 14/10/2016 12:20

Glad you sorted it op. Pipe down getting on the ops case ffs! The child may well have overheard the dad talking to mum when they didn't realise. It happens.

Good luck with the baby and put it behind you. (The issue not the baby)

Dontpanicpyke · 14/10/2016 12:21

Hazel what a bitter sweet post

Original poster

ICuntSeeYourPoint · 14/10/2016 20:38

Thank you all, and congratulations to the fellow expectant mums as well. I have told the dc and they are really excited, very happy. The only "interesting" question was "will the baby come out from your bits like me, or will the doctors have to take it out your tummy like [ds]?" I said I don't know yet, we'll ask the dr nearer the time.

I said in my OP "I made it clear..." Well, apparently I didn't! The dad apologised and explained there'd been a misunderstanding. The scan day, when I said we're not telling anyone/don't tell the children yet, he thought I meant not until later that day! So he went home and told his dd the same day. Then his wife got home and translated the usual understanding of "Shhh, we're not telling anyone yet" so he told his dd not to tell anyone as it's a secret. She managed 3 whole days until she spilt the beans which I'm actually impressed with for a 6 yr old! Anyway I said it didn't really matter, and the dc were delighted anyway. If something happens we will deal with whatever situation then. Thanks all.

OP posts:

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