AIBU to contact his mum??

[RandomName9]

So tonight my son has received a bit of a torrent of abuse via whatsapp from a boy he previously went to school with. It started off with him telling him to "F off", followed by nobody likes you, you have no friends, you are adopted-surprised anyone even took you! Tomorrow I'm going to beat you up, you are so gay etc etc etc.
I was sat next to my son on the sofa so I saw every message come through & the replies he sent back (which were very mature I must say maybe because I was watching! Another boy jumped on the band wagon & joined in the abuse. I could tell my son was really upset, husband done the "manly" bit & said the boy didn't have the guts to beat him up etc etc but I think the damage was already done.

So as not to drip feed; my son has just started secondary school (year 7) in September, he was only 11 in August though. He went to school with the instigator from reception up to year 6 and they were best friends until about March/April of this year..literally in each other's pockets until this point. He made a point of not inviting my son to his party in June but then inviting everybody else & telling him how much fun they had/were having for weeks on end. He pushed my son socially out of all their joint groups & basically made my sons last term at school shit!! So much so, that we celebrated when school finished in July!
Me & my husband believe the boy is jealous because my son passed the 11+ & got the school place they both wanted. I know it sounds ridiculous but his parents were very pushy, he done lots of tuition but ultimately failed very badly, the boy (&his parents) was distraught! The boys didn't have a big row or falling out over anything, it was so bad the school even noticed it. The only thing that ties in time wise is the release of results & school places.

Now as they were such good friends I know his parents & extended family quite well. We have never socialised together though.
They are generally a nice family & I think his mum would be mortified if she knew half of what he's said.. I think the boy can be a bit of a sheep & goes with the flock to "look cool" or "impress" others.

I bit my tongue last term because my husband & son said I would make it worse if I spoke to his mum (& husband thought the boys would get over it & then I'd look like a silly over controlling mum!!!)
Now I am so angry over what's happened this evening, I really want to speak to his mum tomorrow, what should I do??

Unfortunately as they still attend scouts & rugby together simply "blocking" him on social media won't cut it. Would it be unfair to contact her regarding her sons social media use?!

Just as a side note, my son isn't adopted & is generally a really happy confident boy with lots of friends so I think these comments have really hurt him.

I would take it to his mother and his school and mention that if it continues, then the police will be involved. It's illegal and intolerable for your poor boy - no matter what the motivation is.

Equip your child to cope and deal.

...and cope and deal. And cope and deal. And cope. And deal. And then what?

At what point, do you actually step in and say 'enough'?

For me, that would well and truly be now.

This is cyber bullying and is completely unacceptable. It is necessary to equip you son with the skills to deal with this, but equally important to contact the other child's parents. I would be absolutely furious if my dcs had done something like this and would not regard a parent who told me about it to be over protective.
Ds's best friend's sister set up a website several years ago which had nasty comments about my son, another boy and her brother. I took screen shots and passed them to the headmaster at school who called the parents in to deal with it. I don't think the girl really understood the consequences of creating a website and it was made clear to her that her actions were completely unacceptable and could lead to police involvement.

I think I'd do it via the other child's school, not the mum. It is cyber bullying. It is possible that the parents were also fed up with your son getting the place and that is where the son picked up on it from - parents will possibly be defensive.

Speak to the mother. In kind of 'how can we resolve this?' Way.

But also make clear if it continues you will have to involve the police, scouts and rugby.

I know at my kids after school hobby, the leaders would want to know if this was happening between 2 kids.

I would also tell your ds not to engage. It doesn't matter how reasonable the responses are.

My dd was bullied at primary. It was awful and only stopped once the police had become involved. We even moved dd from one school to the next and within 6 months the bully followed her, after being removed from their old school.

We have had one instance since she started a secondary. A girl she blocked used a third parties phone to FaceTime her. Unfortunately for her I was the one that answered and caught her in the act. She managed a few swear words before she realised it wasn't dd. In this case I went to the school since they both attended the same school. It nipped it in the bud.

Your poor child. Kids should not have to put up with this nonsense. Seriously those kids need a serous talking to. I'd be mad if I were you. That is bullying and should be taken seriously. At 11 or any age your child should not have to take its X I am sad for your child. Let your mama bear out and say no. It's not happening to my kid. Be mad and go sort this out for your child. If it happened in work these days the culprit would get in serious trouble. Don't allow your child to deal with it. Do something.

So they're now at different schools, correct? I don't understand how contacting the school would work.

His old school will have a record of the bullying and this is continuing despite them going to different schools. It's been going on for 6 months so it's long standing and escalating.

Thus far, if the parents were even aware, they have been totally ineffective. I would contact the police.

I'd speak to the mother/father, show the messages and delete and block.

Just because they see each other face to face, it doesn't mean you can't block him. I doubt he'd have the courage to say half the things face to face anyway.

Since you don't see the mother socially, I'd print Whatsapp messages and take a copy to each club that the boys attend together and to school (as pastoral care should be aware he's being bullied even if not by one of their own pupils).

You might want to give his mum a chance to have a copy first but I wonder whether this might make her defensive and antagonise him further.

Contact your community police officer for advice on whether to approach her, first.

I'd tell both his parents! Not just his mum.

Bullying is never acceptable and doing nothing is never an option I'm afraid. It's shit but start with parents and club organizers. Move onto the police if you don't get rapid satisfaction.

I'd speak to the Scout and rugby leaders.
If you feel that speaking to the mum would help then do so but be prepared for the fact that she may have a completely different view of what went on. She can't be oblivious to their falling out and she allowed her son to exclude your's from the party. I wouldn't be convinced that she will react the way you expect or want her to.

Cannot believe that some are dismissing this as silly stuff. It is not. It is cyber bullying and it is v serious.

First your son needs to disengage.
Second, you need to handle this. Not in UK but where I live this would be a police matter and police involvement is very effective so perhaps investigate that.
This is totally unacceptable and your son has the right to feel safe.

Best wishes OP

If my son were being a bullying little shit I'd definitely want to know, so yes tell her.

Speak to his parents but also block him on your sons whatsapp, their is no point in him responding and will probably just make him more anxious about what they will say next.

I think you need a plan to cover all bases. Firstly continue the fantastic job you are doing communicating with your son and reassuring him of his worth and that you are there for him.

Secondly get him to practice a withering stare that says pity and disgust. Accompany that with a sigh and saying "pathetic" or "how sad", then walk away.

Then most definitely get in touch with his mother, send screen shots with a message along the lines of: "sorry to bother you, but in your shoes I would want to know how my son is behaving so I could deal with it. I hope we can work together to put a stop to this. It's such a shame as they used to be good friends, but I think it's best if they have no contact from now on. Hope you are well." 11 is really young and I think the boy will get the shock of his life if this is dealt with by his parents. I don't think he will do it again.

Block on WhatsApp, Facebook, instagram, Snapchat, whatever your son has. He may think it's a big deal to do that, but he will feel so much better once he has.

Speak to all the clubs he attends with this boy and ask them to keep an eye out.

Lastly, have some good family time this weekend if possible. Build him up and have a great time together. Invite a friend so they can have a laugh and forget about this for a while.

Thankyou so much to everyone that has taken the time to read my huge post & reply, I really appreciate the answers. I am feeling allot better about speaking to the parents now, had a little doubt maybe I was being a bit irrational..I suppose we have been lucky never having to deal with any kind of bullying before but don't want this becoming anything worse.

To answer a few points, we did originally think it was just silly boys & they'd make up so we stayed out of it. Everything calmed down over the summer & the boys are now at different schools so it seemed to stop. Daily Mail His school is known to not be very hot on bullying so I doubt they will care, I will mention it to my sons pastoral leader & will speak to Scouts leader when I drop him tonight though.

I think it feels a little different this time, maybe the written word is harsher, I don't know. He only has whatsapp & instagram but we do check them all regularly & I would def want to know if my son was doing something like this to somebody else & would come down on him like a tonne of bricks but I suppose not everyone is the same.

*aplaceonthecouch yes she has def noticed the falling out-she was very cagey when she bumped into me at the school a couple of weeks back. And yes with the party, they have always attended each other's parties, we even moved a party date before because he couldn't make it!!

Stormwhale thanks, I will use your message outline to her this morning & we are working on the grow up, your being pathetic bit